Post # 1
My boyfriend and I have been dating for a year now and we have a great relationship but he has never once mentioned a future together. In fact, he has been talking about plans (buying lavish things, a condo, cars) that seem like in no way he is thinking for two. I am not ready to get engaged, I still have a year of school left, but how do I ask him in a casual way whether he sees a future with me? We have never have “serious” talks before so I just want to do it in a subtle way to test whether he is serious about me. In the case that he is not, I willl be open to seeing other people. please help!
Post # 3
Maybe start with “Where do you see yourself five years from now? Ten years?” You might be able to see from that whether he sees you as part of his life then. It might also be a way to find out about his other future goals.
Post # 4
@snowhite: If he’s talking about buying a condo, ask him (in a joking way) if there will be enough room for your stuff, because you *might* want to move in together at some point. You could phrase this in a really innocent and lighthearted way, so that he doesn’t get freaked out. His reaction should tell you what you need to know, and open up a conversation about the future.
If he tells you that there will be plenty of room, then you know he’s thinking about the future and including you in it. You could then discuss a potential timeline, or just broad plans for the future (like marriage, or moving in together, but not a specific date for these things).
In the event that he does freak out, then that’s an indication that he’s not ready for the level of commitment that you are ready for. You can take this opportunity to ask him what he really thinks about the relationship. You can tell him that you understand that he’s not ready at this moment, but you’re hoping he will be in the next year or so. At least he’ll know where you stand, and you can take it from there if he still doesn’t want to move the relationship forward.
I hope this helps!
Post # 5
If he hasn’t really attempted to include you in the “future plans” (condo, cars, etc) you have mentioned, then you may already have your answer. However, sometimes a man needs an idea planted in his head before he can begin thinking on a similar wavelength.
You two have been have been together a year, so you should already feel comfortable bringing up more “serious” topics of conversation. I would bring it up casually but honestly – simply ask him if he sees the two of you going the distance. Adding too much general “fluff” to the question will give him an easy way to slither out of answering you directly.
Post # 6
Maybe when he brings up the condo…maybe ask him if he can see you with him in that new condo?
Or why not just ask him if after the year you two have had together if he sees many more of them in the future?
Post # 7
I don’t know a casual way of asking a guy, “Hey, do you think we’ll get married someday?” If you guys have a good, open relationship where you can talk about stuff, just ask him flat out. You could tell him that you’re in it for the long run, and you want to make sure he is too. It’s really important to be on the same page with him, I totally understand how you don’t want to be with him for x amount of time and find out that he doesn’t want to marry, that could just be wasting your time or missing opportunities. My boyfriend appreciates when I’m straight up with him about things. When we got an apartment together I told him flat out that I wouldn’t move in with him if he wasn’t totally committed to our relationship, and that our moving together meant getting married eventually. He in turn agreed that he was in this for the long run, but explained to me why he doesn’t think getting married now is a good idea. Being open about it is great because we both know what the other wants/expects.
Sorry, my reply got longer than I thought it would be. You just need to be straight forward with your dude about what you expect from the relationship, and find out what he expects from it as well.
Post # 8
thanks for al lthe helpful replies! @MsGolightly and @Miss Co-Pilot I don’t think I should mention whether he has space in the condo for me because I’m not comfortable moving in with a guy unless we’re more seriously committed. I agree with everything that’s said- we should be able to know what the other expects from the relationship. I do think that If we date for another year and he still has not consider me in his future, I will have to leave him. It is just so nerve-wracking to ask a question like this because then I will have to make a decision.
Post # 9
If it’s hard for you to talk to him about it, I may have a solution for you. When my bf and I have an argument and can’t seem to see the others point of view, I take a breather and then write down everything. EVERYTHING. How I feel about it, what I think about it, the point I’m trying to get to him. I hand it to him and tell him to read the entire thing, and then tell me his response. Sometimes while he’s reading what I wrote he will get a piece of paper out and makes notes on what he wants to say in response, just so he won’t forget anything. It works for us because the hard part is verbally communicating exactly what we want said. Keeping it on paper also helps organize your thoughts and stops us from saying something snarky that we don’t really mean (you know how those things pop up in an argument). Eh, just an idea.
Post # 10
I would just come right out and ask him