Post # 16
I wouldn’t have your boyfriend meet your dad. No reason to subject him to an abusive person. As for telling him about your dad, do it face to face. It’ll be a raw, emotional conversation but you don’t have to be embarrassed or ashamed. Your boyfriend cares about you and I’m sure will be there for you. I bet the two of you will feel closer after having that conversation.
Post # 17
I don’t understand why you would rekindle a relationship with an abusive person (father be damned)? It sounds like you are much happier without him in your life, so I would not open myself back up to his abuse.
Your father’s abusive behavior and hoarding are no reflection on you. It will be okay. Your fiance loves you for you.
Post # 18
Your father’s problems are no reflection on you. My parents are both as dysfunctional as can be. My husband has met both of them and he hasn’t run for the hills. You are your own person. Rather than feeling embarrassed, maybe focus on being proud of yourself for your resilience and your ability to be your own person.
Post # 19
- Wedding: February 2018 - UK
My husband has never met my father, and hopefully never will. I told him the details of what a terrible person my biological father is, and he didn’t judge me for it at all, because I’m not my father. I’m sure your boyfriend won’t think any less of you because of the actions of your father. He loves you, he’ll support you.
Lots of us have dysfunctional families, it doesn’t have to define us x
In terms of how to tell him, I’d just sit down with him and start with something like “I’d like to talk to you about my dad. I know I’ve mentioned some things about him before, but the truth is, as well as being mentally abusive, he’s also a compulsive hoarder. He has ruined the home which once was beautiful, and I feel some shame about this, even though it’s not something I have control over”. I strongly suspect that once the conversation is started, your boyfriend will be supportive x
Post # 20
kittycatcat : I’d like to talk to you about my dad. I know I’ve mentioned some things about him before, but the truth is, as well as being mentally abusive, he’s also a compulsive hoarder. He has ruined the home which once was beautiful, and I feel some shame about this, even though it’s not something I have control over”.
I might have to write this down and recite it. Thank you!
Post # 21
browneyedgirl24 : it’s comforting to hear someone with a similar story, thank you for sharing yours 🙂 <3
Post # 22
Thank you all Bees! I texted him today that I want to talk more in depth about my relationship with my father when we get home from work. I’ll keep you all updated.
Post # 23
zl27 : I think it’s difficult for me because I truly feel bad for my father and his upbringing, that’s not to say that it’s an excuse for his actions. My father is one who will help me when I really need it and has been there but can also turn and be so cruel. I also have my brother who lives with him (he also feels bad for him) so there will always be that connection, but living 300 miles away helps with boundaries.
Post # 24
OP, don’t text. Talk to him in person and tell him what you tell us. If he loves you, he’ll still love you despite a hoarding, emotionally abusive father. My SO still remains despite my deteriorating mental health and an emotionally-abusive mother who was at times physically abusive when I was young, and has caused me great sorrows leading to my current mental health state. I know he loves me.
Post # 25
OP, as a guy who is 15 years married let me tell you something important. I married my wife and not her parents. My parents have flaws and her parents have flaws, but I fully understands she loves her parents the same way I love mine. So if your boyfriend can’t accept your dad then he will be a poor husband and if he is a good future husband he will support your relationship with your dad. Of course there are boundaries, parents should not interfere with the marriage. So don’t be afraid, be honest and sit down with your boyfriend face to face and tell him the truth, if he loves you he will appreciate your honesty.
Post # 26
Sorry for the late update, I left my laptop at work over the weekend. I told him and he seem totally unfazed about it. For reference, my boyfriend is almost always laid back. I’m happy to have finally got that weight off my shoulders. I waited a while to see if he would act weird or differently the next few days after I dropped the news and he’s been perfectly normal. Thanks for all your advice bees!
Post # 27
What makes it right that your SO meet your father?
Your bf loves you. How much contact does he want with someone who mistreats the woman he adores?
It seems as if you have this thing flipped on its head. The guilt and shame belong 100% to your father, not you. So, he was emotionally abused himself. So what? A lot of us were and we don’t use that as an excuse to abuse others.
Sansa85 is right, the big issue here is the way you are carrying all of the guilt and shame for your entire family. Your reference to yourself as damaged goods is so telling and so heartbreaking, Bee. It doesn’t have to be this way. There are therapists who specialize in trauma recovery.
Maybe it’s time you talked to your bf. Not just about your horrible father; but, really opened up and talked to him. Share the realities of your awful childhood. Let him support you, Bee. Let him love you.