(Closed) How should I tell my friend when she’s been TTC for over a year

posted 7 years ago in Babies
Post # 3
Member
7587 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2010

This can be very tough, and although she might be sad, you have to remember that it’s not because she is unhappy for you. I would just call and tell her privatley in a calm, not as exctied manner as you may tell others.  She’s going to feel stressed regardless of how you tell her. 

Post # 4
Member
6661 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2010

I would tell her in a reserved manner. You can still be excited for yourself when you tell her, but just don’t go on and on and on about how happy you are, you know? Make the conversation about YOU, don’t mention her failed attempts. I believe a true friend will get it together enough to be happy for you, like Charlotte in SATC when Miranda got pregnant by accident.

Post # 5
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: February 2010

I had a miscarriage about a year ago, so I know how hard it is to see other people get pregnant when you really want it but can’t have it. But I still wouldn’t expect a good friend to not act excited for her pregnancy. Like mwitter said, she’ll be upset no matter how you tell her. I would just try to be as respectful as possible about it.

Post # 6
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

Tell her in person if possible. I had friends who waere TTC for over a year get pregnant and they didn’t know how to tell me. Finally, the wife called to tell me and, when she did, I told her I was pregnant and a month behind her. It went better than expected, so maybe, just maybe, the same thing will happen. Honestly, I was worried about telling them I was pregnant.

Post # 7
Member
3363 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2009

Whatever you do, don’t mention how quick or easy it was for you.  Seems like common sense, but as someone who has been trying for 15 months (going through intense fertility treatments and miscarried once), you would be amazed at how often people mention that part.  And they often say it in an apologetic almost way.  

Definitely tell her completely privately.  Preferably in person and not in public.  Chances are she will go home and cry, but unfortunately that is the reality for those of us struggling.  We cry and get upset when someone is pregnant, no matter who it is.  Deep down, we truly are very happy for you.  But it is hard to put aside our own feelings. 

Also, don’t go on about your symptoms, plans, etc.  Just keep it short and sweet then change the subject.  Don’t complain about being tired, throwing up, or having sore boobs…as these are symtoms we are begging God for every single day. 

You probably already know by now not to say something like “it will happen for you.”  The reality is, it may not.  My husband and I are struggling to accept that we may never have children or grandchildren.  To hear someone say “oh, no, it WILL happen” just makes the fact that it may not even harder to accept.  Don’t talk about how much fun your children will someday have playing together.

A lot of what I said seems obvious.  But I promise you, this is the stuff we hear from even the most well meaning people.

If you have anymore questions, please ask.  I understand from your friend’s perspective and happy to be able to help.

 

 

 

Post # 8
Member
2872 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: March 2011

@heathaah: 100% completely agree with everything you said.  Great advice.

Post # 9
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

@heathaah: Your advice is so much better than mine because it’s exactly how I felt and, sometimes still feel, when someone says they’re pregnant. Also, I still hate it when people tell me that I’ll have a baby this time because I may not. The same thing can happen.

Post # 10
Member
5977 posts
Bee Keeper

@heathaah: You said it perfectly. I don’t know that I can add anything to that.

I would definitely do it in person and in private.

Post # 11
Member
5496 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2010

I agree with everything heathaah: said, especially not to complain about any symptoms you may have (morning sickness, tired, etc.) because that is super hard to hear from those of us who WANT to go through that so we can finally have a baby.

Post # 12
Member
682 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2009

I agree with everything PP’s have said except for one thing. I would prefer to hear it over the phone and not in person. My BFF called to tell me she was pregnant with an “oops” the same month we had gotten our first BFN with fertility treatments. I am so thankful she called because she couldn’t see the tears streaming down my face. I was able to hide the fact that I was crying (hopefully). She was so excited and I wanted to be excited for her but at that moment it was just too much.

Post # 13
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@heathaah:  wow, thank you for providing such an informative perspective.  This is very helpful and I hope it helps a lot of conversations and friendships.

Post # 14
Member
772 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

@heathaah:  wow, thank you for providing such an informative perspective.  This is very helpful and I hope it helps a lot of conversations and friendships.

Post # 15
Member
3525 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2010

I’d skip the pregnancy details and all that, because as pps have suggested, she probably doesn’t want to hear that. Just tell her you’re pregnant, but please don’t make her sit through an hour-long conversation about it or anything. I think short and sweet is the way to go.

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