(Closed) How soon is too soon to date again?

posted 7 years ago in Relationships
Post # 17
Member
1222 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

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@fancymichelle:  

I think its up to you.

Years ago I was raped, broke up with my bf, and started dating a new guy 2 months later. Our relationship was great (i mean i was still super upset, crying a lot, etc etc) for about a year and then shit hit the fan- I had a complete mental break down and unfortunately ended up treating my then bf like shit 🙁 because I just didn’t know how to deal with the pain I was in. So, do what feels comfortable, but just try to keep your head clear and don’t try to force any quick healing.

Post # 18
Member
12245 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: May 2013

@fancymichelle:  After escaping my abusive relationship, I went on the rebound, started dating, and slept around a little! I feel like it REALLY helped the healing process.

And most importantly, it kept me from going back to him!

Post # 19
Member
278 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2013

1) As long as you are leaggaly separated (or as close as you can get in your state, mine for example doesn’t have a “legal separation” just “divorce from bed and board”) then I don’t see why you can’t start moving on with your life. Especially if there are no children in the picture (working in divorce law as a paralegal I’ve seen too many judges froen on a parent for dating around during the divorce because it looks bad and can even be confusing to the kids).

2) Only you know yourself well enough to know if you’re ready. Several of our clients would wait years to date again because they were enjoying the single time they hadn’t had (married young) or were getting to know the new them and explore their new possibilities.

Post # 20
Member
2052 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: May 2013

I meant most decent men don’t go out on dates with married women – serious or casual.

Maybe you should make some new friends, join an adult sports team or gym and explore new hobbies. Join meetup.com or volunteer at an organization.  There are lots of different options other than dating and sitting at home watching tv!

 

Post # 21
Member
11736 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

@fancymichelle:  whenever you’re ready is the only right time. Good luck and take care of yourself!

Post # 22
Member
2490 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

After I ended my marriage of almost 4 years, I started dating pretty quickly. I didn’t think I would date that fast but after the initial shock of my marriage ending wore off, I got over it surprisingly fast!

Post # 23
Member
186 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2015

Don’t listen to other people. I met my boyfriend when he was not divorced yet. We have had some rocky times due to the divorce proceedings, but all in all he is the most amazing man I have ever known. If I had listened to other people I would have never even met him- and THAT would suck!

Post # 24
Member
5983 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

@fancymichelle:  everyone heals differently. I think that you need to do whatever you need to do to feel better and good about yourselfand move on. If you are not sure, go on a date and see how it goes. I dont think  you should let ppl make you feel guilty about moving on with your life. congrats on getting out of your awful situation. I wish you the best!

Post # 25
Member
11268 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: April 2012

@fancymichelle:  how soon is too soon?  there is no answer beause everyone is different.  some people need more time to heal emotionally and mentally if it was a difficult breakup.  some people are not as emotionally attached to the relationship and feel they can move on quickly.

i started casually dating right away.  my previous relationship was over for years before it ended (if you know what i mean).  i had been emotionally detached from him for a long time so i knew i was ready.  i dated a few different men; just meeting up for a coffee, a movie, a walk in the park, lunch, etc.  casual.  it was good company and a good boost to the self esteem.  it was just nice to spend time with a guy who wasn’t going to yell and end up fighting with me.

i did end up meeting my now dh very shortly afterwards and have never been happier.

i think it’s great that you are starting fresh.  don’t worry about what other people say.  who cares?  you are the only one to judge if you are ready for casual dating.  if you feel ready, then you are. 

Post # 26
Member
8880 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

You will know if you are ready.

 

I think some of your friends may be more concerned that you need some more emotional healing.  Domestic abuse can take a long time to heal.  But kudos to you for getting out! 🙂

Post # 27
Member
412 posts
Helper bee

A rule of thumb I’ve heard, and that’s held pretty true for me, is that it takes about a week for every month you were together to truly get over a relationship. And by that, I mean to move past the shit (whatever it may be), and to recenter yourself. That being said, if you were together for say 8 years, I don’t think it’s reasonable to stay completely single for 2 years, so there’s got to be a cap somewhere. I also think there is healing to be had when you’re interacting with another guy, and you start hitting up against “trigger” points. But you need to be in a decent place first. So if you’re feeling up to hanging out with guys, I would do so as friends, and err on the side of caution before going forward doing anything else. 

That being said – everyone’s different. And  if you are ready, you’re ready. Go out. Have fun. Just be careful that the ex/his family can’t get any usable dirt/leverage against you before the divorce is final.

Post # 28
Member
1078 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

@fancymichelle:  1st of all amazing to be so strong to leave congrats 

 

2nd i am sorry people are reacting badly … the main reason ppl say wait till a divorce is final … and alot of the time its not over till its over ppl have feelings things can be fixed people heal …. if they are hurt or angry … but with you he abused you … YOU CAN NOT let it ever mend you need to be apart 

 

so them saying ur not divorced yet is none issue for your personal past relationship 

 

2ndly the too soon thing … well stright up, u prob been falling out of love with him  for a long time. I am guessing you have been drifting and though finalness of the divorce is not done yet … you are moving on and its heathy for you to meet other ppl 

 

3rd no one can tell you what is write for you only you know that and most important if you feel ready and u meet an amazing man who treats you like you deserve and makes you feel amazing why not be with him seriously after all you have been through you have the right to move on and be happy with a man who treats you like a goddess 

 

Be strong and ignore those ppl they dont understand (i been in abusive relationships my slef not marriages but i kinda understand)

Post # 29
Member
247 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
@fancymichelle:   Thats brilliant, put yourself OUT there and get to know yourself again, trust me, your the BEST friend you’ll ever meet xoxox

Post # 30
Member
4846 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

If you’re ready, you’re ready. It’s no ones business but your own. Im glad you’re out if a bad situation and I hope you get some counselling to help work past the way you’ve been treated. 

Post # 31
Member
782 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Do what you want! Just make sure you are upfront about not being divorced yet. I’m assuming you are not living in the same house as him anymore and you have your on thing on the go.

Also, congratulations on leaving him! Life is too short, find someone who will treat you like gold! I’m sure you deserve it!

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