How soon is too soon to get engaged/married?

posted 4 weeks ago in Engagement
Post # 2
Member
3393 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

What are your reasons for wanting to get married this quickly? 

If you know he’s the right person, that’s great, but there’s generally no harm in waiting a bit and spending more time getting to know one another. 

Post # 3
Member
1575 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - Location

It depends on so many factors…your age, where you’re at in life, career…

For me that’s way too quick. I take a long time to open up to people so one year = I’m just starting to feel comfortable/get to know you. Year 2 is seeing how the person really is under pressure and difficult situations beyond the “honeymoon phase”. I’d also want to live together for a year. So for me, around year 3 is appropriate to take marriage seriously.

But that said I know lots of couples move fast and have a solid relationship. 

Post # 4
Member
658 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: May 2018

My husband and I got engaged on our one year anniversary and married 6 month after that. 

But we were also beyond our mid 30’s and have been living together for a year by that point. 

So I’d say it all depends on your age, how mature you are, your life experiences and future plans. I wouldn’t have considered getting married after a year at an earlier point in my life ever. Or rather I’d never even considered marriage till that point in my life. 

Post # 5
Member
464 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

Like the others have said, it all depends on age/life experience/circumstances. I thought I knew myself well at 22-26, but in hindsight, a year would have been far too soon. There’s a big difference between being 22 in your first or second real relationship and being 32 with 14 years of being (varying levels of) a grownup, with triumphs and mistakes and risks and rewards under your belt. 

I also do think that the reasoning for wanting to get married matters. I sort of get the rush if you’re religious, or if you’re of an age where kids need to happen now or never, or you need health insurance. If none of that is relevant, what’s the rush? There are no risks to waiting another year, and a ton of rewards (namely, lowered divorce risk). There should always be a reason to take the step towards marriage, not just the passive “well we love each other and it’s the next step.”

Anyhow, we were not super young (26 and 36 when we started dating), and 3.5 years was the right amount of time to date prior to engagement. The honeymoon phase was gone, we’d lived together for quite awhile, we were completely aware of the little annoying things the other one does (he steals my food and bites his nails bloody, and I am incapable of cleaning the kitchen or doing laundry in a timely manner), we’d gone through some big and sad life things, etc. The time came where we felt ready to take the public and legal step, wanted the legal benefits, and wanted to start thinking about kid timelines. 

Post # 7
Member
4042 posts
Honey bee

Depends on your age. If you’re 19, one year is too soon. Add ten years to your age and it becomes perfectly reasonable to want to commit to someone after dating for a year.

Post # 8
Member
413 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2019

As others have said, your ages and where you’re at in life will factor into this heavily. 

When I was younger, I had a few relationships that made it past one year, but only one that made it past the two-year mark. And I ended up breaking off all of those, because what typically tends to happen is that people are on their best behavior for the first year. But after that, they start to relax and let their guard down, and you start to see more of their bad habits and get a more realistic feel for their personality. I ended these relationships because I began to see patterns of behavior that I didn’t like and didn’t want to deal with for the rest of my life. As a result, my personal rule was that I would never accept a proposal at less than two years. 

But then I broke that rule with my husband. He brought up marriage very early, and eventually hinted at wanting to propose around one year of dating. I gave it a lot of thought and decided I would be okay with it in this specific instance, due to a few reasons.

For one thing, we had been friends for a couple years prior to dating, so I already knew a bit about his personality and knew he wasn’t putting on an act. We had both been through a fair number of failed relationships and had learned through trial and error what we want in a relationship. It was something we had discussed early on, and I knew we were on the same page. We had compatible values and future goals. Career-wise, we were pretty comfortable and in a position to be financially stable and independent. I was going to be turning 30 soon, and wanted to start thinking about having children. Part of me would have preferred to wait a little longer to make sure, but I also felt like I had sufficient information to make the decision now. This relationship ticked all the boxes for me, and I didn’t think an extra year would present any new information to change my mind, so I felt comfortable making the commitment.

My husband proposed to me for my 30th birthday, after 13 months of dating. We ended up having a longer engagement (20 months), so by the  time we got married we had been together a few months shy of 3 years. That extra time helped give me the reassurance that this was right for me.

But I still wouldn’t apply my specific situation to the general population and say that it’s right for everyone. My one-size-fits-all advice would still be to date 2 or 3 years before engagement and/or marriage. There’s usually no harm in dating a bit longer to make sure you really know someone, whereas there can be a lot of harm in marrying prematurely and ending up in a bad relationship or a messy divorce. What’s most important though is what feels right to you and your significant other (not your friend’s opinion, or anyone else’s). If you’ve discussed it and feel you’re on the same page and that it’s in your best interests to get engaged now, then go for it! 

Post # 9
Member
2507 posts
Sugar bee

We got engaged after a year and married around the 2 year mark. I realize a lot of people consider that quick, but it didn’t feel rushed to us and personally I wouldn’t have wanted to date for years and years before getting engaged. 

Post # 10
Member
231 posts
Helper bee

nyrame :  Not too soon, especially if you are in your late 20s.

Post # 11
Member
1079 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018

nyrame :  Its a bit early on in your relationship to get married, as PP suggested, year 2 is often the most difficult for couples as the honeymoon phase really does last a year or so. Perhaps you could get engaged or begin the process of ring shopping and rather than getting married right away, set a date further out, maybe past your two year anniversary? 

Post # 12
Member
2674 posts
Sugar bee

Every relationship is different, so there is no “too soon.”

Just make sure you see each other at your worst because that is a completely different person than when you are at your best,

Post # 13
Member
306 posts
Helper bee

nyrame :  I will be the person who disagrees with a lot of people who say that age is a big factor (unless you’re like 19-21, then that’s different) because I do *not* believe that age is equivalent to experience or wisdom. I know a lot of younger people who have been through much more in their lives than people who are older than them. I also know a lot of older friends who are less mature than my younger friends. I do however think that your life experience(s) matter as well as if you’ve seen each other in bad scenarios, unpleasant situations and if you’ve thought through the logistics of being married. Logistics means: finances, children, living situation, roles in the house and things of that nature. You want to make sure you’ve discussed any large differences of opinion that may end up being resentment in the future. 

Source: marriage lol

Post # 14
Member
167 posts
Blushing bee

Late 20s is not too soon but I would wait longer in your place.

Post # 15
Member
6442 posts
Bee Keeper

nyrame :  My husband and I got married nearly 14 months after we met.  6 years later still going strong.  Sometimes when you know you know.

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