(Closed) How thorougly have you discussed family/in-law issues?

posted 6 years ago in Family
  • poll: How much have you discussed in-law/family topics before marriage?
    Not that much, but we get along with each others' families so it should be fine : (18 votes)
    21 %
    Not that much, and we have had conflict over our families : (6 votes)
    7 %
    Some, but not a lot : (19 votes)
    22 %
    Tons, even though there aren't any issues right now : (20 votes)
    23 %
    Tons, because there have been issues we needed to resolve : (24 votes)
    28 %
  • Post # 3
    246 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2012

    I love my in-laws, and Darling Husband loves my family, so we’re good 🙂

    The biggest issue that I’ve heard about is religion- which religion to raise the kids, getting married in which Church (or Mosque or Synagogue, etc.), who goes where on holy days, etc.

    Post # 4
    1399 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: July 2013

    When my fiance said “I want your mother to live with us and take care of our children when we have them,” I was BEYOND thrilled. I hadn’t even brought it up, but he adores her. :oD Mostly I adore his family. There are a few little issues, but we’ve talked about and agreed upon them.

    Post # 5
    1284 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: October 2012

    My situation sounds exactly like yours, OP. My husband is totally laid back and I overthink everything — haha. That having been said, we absolutely discussed these issues before we got married. For us, there were things that would happen here and there that would require conversation/compromise and that would bring up other hypotheticals that we would discuss. I think it’s really important to have an idea about how each other feels about these things before marriage.

    Post # 6
    1114 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: November 2013

    We’ve actually discussed pretty much all of these things:

    – Where you will spend holidays: conveiently enough, FI’s family has decided that they’re going to do a Christmas Eve dinner then a Boxing day dinner, which frees me up to spend Christmas Day dinner with my family. We’re going to alternate Christmas morning with each family. On years where we spend Christmas morning with my family, we’ll go there early, do breakfast and presents, then head to his family’s before dinner with my family so we see them on Christmas day. Fortunately we live 10-15 minutes from his parents, and his parents are 5-10 minutes from my parents!

    – Where you’ll live in proximity to family: We live pretty close already. I can’t see us moving too far away from where we live right now, if anything we’d move closer to my parents or his parents, not to be closer to them, but because the area we want to live in is closer to them.

    – Senior care (nursing home vs. parents moving in with you): We both agree that we would not want our parents living with us. Again we are lucky that we live close to our parents and if needed they’d go into homes in the area so we can visit often. While we love our parents, we both feel that we wouldn’t want the responsibility of being the primary care providers to an elderly parent.

    – Loaning or giving family money: this is about the only thing we haven’t discussed in detail. We’ve briefly said that if our parents REALLY needed it and we had extra money to give them, we’d do it and not expect to be paid back. Fortunately both our sets of parents are fiscally conservative so probably would never need a loan.

    – Who will be allowed to be there at the birth of any children: Fiance has said this is entirely up to me. If I want a ton of people there, he’ll support me. If I don’t want anyone there, he’ll support me. He doesn’t really feel super comfortable having either set of parents there, and I DO NOT want anyone there except Fiance. The fewer people seeing me like that the better!

    – Who will/will not watch any possible children: again, since we live close to both sets of parents, we would just kind of ask if either set would be available, and try to alternate it as much as possible. The kids would be in daycare during the day, but if we are going away for a period of time we’ll ask our parents to watch the kids. Of course this will depend on how our parents are at that point. Growing up, my grandmother on my mom’s side was the only one who ever watched us, but that was because my grandmother on my dad’s side was in a home and not capable of watching us at all.

    – How much input parents or family members get on your lives: very little. We’ll listen to their advice, but won’t necessarily follow it. Our parents are both pretty laid back so we should be fine there.

    About my only in-law concern right now is the fact that my parents are adamant that they are not ready to be grandparents while his parents want to be grandparents yesterday. And I am soooo not ready to have kids. His mother has already said a few times that she wants grandkids and that we better get on that PDQ. It kind of bothers me, but it isn’t so bad yet that I need to say anything to her. I’ve told Fiance that it makes me uncomfortable, and he says if it gets too bad, he’ll talk to her. We’re planning on waiting awhile to have kids because there’s too many things we want to do first, and I can see this causing problems with his parents, or at least his mother…

    Post # 7
    873 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: April 2013

    hmm… need to read that book! Thanks!

    Post # 8
    1669 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 2014

    We’ve discussed it a lot – mostly because they live in another country. It is comforting to talk everything out ahead of time so you don’t have to worry about surprises down the road.

    Religion and children has been a big part of it, but also where to spend holidays, what to do as our parents age, etc.

    Post # 9
    2105 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    We discussed my in-laws a lot because there were always issues and probably always will be issues. The biggest and most important foundation we laid before we got married was defining what was and wasn’t acceptable behavior and how we must always approach them with a united front. No matter what happens, I’m always the bad guy to his mother and I’ve had to come to terms with the fact that we will never be friends. We set realistic goals with his parents and it has been night and day since the first conflict. 

    We have also had to compromise a lot. His family is at ther worst (seasonal depression?) around the holidays, so seeing them then is asking for trouble. We have agreed to see them once “for the holidays” instead of thanksgiving, Christmas, Jewish holidays, etc because it seems to be less triggering. 

    Post # 10
    458 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    I think all couples should discuss this more….

    We get along great with all of our families, but holidays, visiting and how much time to spend with each family has been a point of contention as newlyweds (we didn’t think it would be!). It’s also incredibly hard to not see your own family throughout the christmas holidays…

    Both of our families are long distance, but my family travels with us (his doesn’t travel), so we spend more time with my family traveling, but I want equal time at holidays and his family doesn’t think this is fair.

    Post # 11
    11747 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper
    • Wedding: November 1999

    We talk about those types of things a lot – not in any serious let’s sit down and have a discussion about it, but they come up in general conversation, usually as a reaction to a situation we saw/heard about.  I think we’re on the same page even though we didn’t have any “official” conversations about them.

    Post # 12
    1543 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: June 2013

    I don’t see how that conversation could ever be avoided. It just comes up naturally when we’re talking about our future. More recently so because of our families involvement/ lack of involvement in the wedding. 

    Post # 13
    2781 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: October 2013

    We haven’t run into any issues yet with the in-laws. I get along great with his family, and would never have considered marrying someone who’s family didn’t like me.

    We already live 5 minutes away from his parents, although we may or may not stay in the area for good. 

    Christmas morning is the only time we have to even consider alternating, my family doesn’t celebrate the other holidays or really do any celebrating for birthdays. 

    Post # 15
    5956 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: April 2018

    We didn’t really discuss any of it, because:

    A.  Mr. 99 was actually raised by wolves.

    B.  We figured that you could discuss and plan all you want, you just never know what your going to do until your staring down the barrel at a holiday fraught with emotional peril.

    We just promised each other to never make the holidays into some sort of campaign trail public relations event, and spend the time with the people we wanted to, no guilt allowed.

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