How to accept my mom?

posted 3 years ago in Emotional
Post # 2
2775 posts
Sugar bee

Hugs, bee, this is rough. Have you considered seeing a therapist to work on how to establish boundaries with your mom? (And work on your own depression/anxiety and fear of turning into her?)

Post # 3
2785 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

At this point, Bee, I think you’re going to have to accept your mom for who she is and deal with that accordingly. I know it’s a lot easier said than done, and I can sense even through written words how frustrated and sad you are. 

I agree with PP, it may be time that you change/control who and what you can: yourself and your actions. Have you worked with a professional on this issue? They can help you with coping, managing your reactions to her behavior, limiting your exposure in an appropriate way, etc. 

Post # 4
1029 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: February 2020

I am sending so many virtual hugs to you, Bee. I know how it feels to have a difficult parent and all those complex emotions that are attached with it. I wanted to stress this though: no one (decent) will judge you or alter their opinion on you for her behavior. They just won’t. So while having her around may make things uncomfortable, please don’t feel responsible for her actions as no one else expects you to be. This is something I have to tell myself often as well and it does help. They are adults and they can behave how they want. Who are we to tell them how to act? If your mom wants to be negative and embarrass herself, that’s her right. Nothing you can do!

I know it’s easier said than done. Like I said, I have to repeat this to myself too. But just know you are NOT alone, and as other bees mentioned, it definitely wouldn’t hurt to seek advice from a professional to wrap your head around this relationship and learn what you can and can’t control (as well as boundaries).

Post # 6
30400 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

View original reply
sailorluna :  Accepting her for who and what she is, is probably the very best thing you could do for your own mental health. You are in no way accountable for, nor responsible for, your mother’s choices or her behavior.

Live your own best life and let her own her own issues.

Post # 7
253 posts
Helper bee

Okay so this is pretty much a mirror situation to mine, except the problem is with my father. My longtime boyfriend and I want to get married but of course I want him to meet my dad. Problem is my dad is seriously depressed and a hoarder. He has a very short fuse and acts erratic. He always had a temper but it seriously manifested itself after my mom died. As PPs said you need to enforce boundaries- which I understand can be hard because of your mom saying things like “if it wasn’t for you I’d commit suicide”. Do you live close? Can you go to joint therapy? Honestly your mom sounds depressed but even therapy and meds won’t help her unless she wants to change. Sometimes people love being the victim and being pitied. I’m in the middle of this problem too; sometimes it makes you wish your parents could just be normal- not perfect, just normal. 

For now, keep your boundaries. Have you told your SO and his family about your mother’s mood and general disposition? It might make things easier and they can understand why she is at least saying the things she does. Wishing you luck Bee!

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