Post # 1
I feel pathetic for even asking this but I’m just feeling kind of nervous and would love some support. I’ll keep it as short as possible. I had a falling out with my best friend four years ago when she told me we couldn’t be friends anymore because we were at different places in our lives and she was buying a house and had a career while I was still figuring out what I wanted to do with my life. She said she didn’t want to hang out and even if she did she wouldn’t know what we would talk about. This was my very best friend of 10 years.
im still not over it and miss her terribly. I know I shouldn’t but I do. I tried reaching out in March to go for lunch and she declined as she had a work thing but asked when I was in the city next. I told her, and she didn’t respond. Then the pandemic happened so obviously nothing came of it. She has always texted me on my birthday, every year even the last four years that we haven’t spoken. But this year she didn’t and I can’t help feel as though my asking her to go for lunch drove her even further away.
I have to see her tomorrow at a mutual friends birthday and I’m not sure how to act. I want to be open and my normal self around her but afraid my wanting to rekindle the friendship might come off too strong. I also don’t want to give her the satisfaction of knowing I want to be friends, although I’m sure she does, and come off as pathetic. But I also don’t want to flat out ignore her, but I also don’t want to be hurt. My feelings are all over the place clearly. This seems so weird to ask but I’ve been depressed about losing her for months and I don’t know what to do. At first I was happy we weren’t friends because I knew I deserved better. But now that so many years have passed and I don’t have close friends I feel like a mistake was made and I want to make up.
Post # 2
Don’t blame the pandemic for not getting together, you haven’t been friends in four years. And she made it very clear she doesn’t want to be friends with you.
You gave her the opportunity to reconnect in March when you reached out. If she had wanted to make a plan to get together she would have. Her response would have been, “I can’t on such and such day but I would like to get together. How about blank, and offered another suggestion.” She made it even more clear that she is not interested in being friends by not texting you on your birthday.
Just treat her like a normal acquaintance. How do you treat anyone else at the birthday party that you aren’t particularly friends with? You treat them like a fellow human that’s friends with your friend and move on with your life.
Post # 3
She doesn’t want to be friends. She has made that abundantly clear. You don’t have to ignore her, but you should treat her like you would any other aquaintance (because that is what she is) yo uh haven’t seen in a while. A nod and a smile or a simple “hi, good to see you” is fine. I wouldn’t try and strike up a personal conversation or rekindle your friendship at this get together. Keep the conversation light.
Post # 4
Just be cordial with her. No need to ignore her but I wouldn’t go OTT on the friendliness either.
I know it is very sad to lose a friendship of 10 years, but people grow and can change over that period, and frankly your ‘friend’ doesn’t seem to have grown into a very nice person.
I don’t mean to sound bigheaded but I did pretty well for myself quite early on – I bought my first house at 22 and qualified as a lawyer at 24. I would not dream of cutting off any of my old friends for not being in the same ‘place’ as me.
On the contrary one of my best friends was hitting rock bottom (living with parents/unemployed/boyfriend very tragically died) around the same time I was doing so well and honestly I just felt guilty about my ‘success’ at that time as I knew full well she was comparing our lives. I didn’t think for one second “Oh I know what to do, I’ll stop talking to her and tell her we’re not friends anymore!!”. Um, no.
TLDR: Your ex-friend doesn’t sound very nice, please value yourself more highly and find better friends.
Post # 5
- Wedding: April 2017 - City, State
Don’t try to rekindle the friendship. She’s made it pretty clear that she is no longer interested in the type of friendship you want.
Just be cordial and pleasant, they way you would be with someone you had seen at previous events of mutual friends but don’t really know and don’t talk much with. I know it hurts, but you can’t make someone want to be friends with you. And you are right that you deserve to have the a true friendship, and she isn’t going to offer that.
I’m sure there will be other people at the party to hang out with. Say hello to her and then continue to mingle with everyone else. You might even strike up a friendship with a new person.
Post # 6
Hon she told you quite clearly that she wanted to end the friendship and she told you why. It was the most shallow, superficial reason I’ve ever heard and In My Humble Opinion you are much better off without her in your life. For the life of me, I don’t know why you are begging for a relationship with a person who clearly doesn’t want you in her life. This feels no different than a romantic relationship in that your self esteem is so low that you want a relationship with someone who doesn’t value you and has judged you as undesirable and treated you as such.
#1 Respect that she doesn’t want to know you anymore.
#2 Treat her like the stranger she wants to be to you. That mean cordial but at arms length.
#3 Start valuing yourself and make new friends. Actual friends who support you no matter what you’re doing with your life.
#4 Google the meaning of the word “friend”. What you find should look similar to what’s in #3.
Get thee into therapy if you can’t get over this. Friendships end all the time and obviously you invested a hell of a lot more into it than she ever did.
If its really bad simply send respects and a gift to the friend and stay home. No one’s got a gun to your head.
Post # 7
Thanks so much everyone. Your responses truly helped me and I’m going to cordial but keep my distance tomorrow. My husband and I are the odd ones out in this group because of this ex best friend so it’ll be tense and awkward all around but I’ll just hang with my husband that’s what he’s there for 😂 THANK YOU!!
Post # 8
I suspect it was always about more than being in “different places.” For whatever reason she felt she outgrew the friendship or that you were no longer compatible. The onus should have been on her to apologize. In your place I wouldn’t have reached out to her once let alone twice. It’s clear she only wanted a Facebook birthday relationship with you.
When you see her, I’d be civil and pleasant, but no more. Greet her, say a few pleasantries, then move on.
Post # 9
Wow, that was freaking harsh. Yeah, sometimes you just grow apart and spending time together is no longer enjoyable, but that was an extremely hurtful reason to ditch someone. There are nicer ways to explain it than how she chose to do so.
But it’s ultimately irrelevant. Agree she wanted to be a casual acquaintance so just treat her like one.
Post # 10
I think as time as passed you somehow started to remember only the good times with her. But in reality she is an awful person. Who ditches a friend of 10 years because you aren’t in the same place in life? You need to remember how cruel she was in ending the friendship. She isn’t trust worthy, she doesn’t care about you, and you are better off without her.
Sounds like you need to get serious about finding some good friendships for yourself so you aren’t vulnerable to shitty people like her. If you had some good friendships of your own you wouldn’t even be thinking of her. I know it’s hard but you can do it.
as far as the party goes, don’t give her the satisfaction of thinking your upset about her. Treat her like an acquaintance. And things are only as awkward as you let them be. If you show up with your husband and have a bright and cheery attitude and make an effort to talk to people you will do fine. Things will only be awkward if you have an awkward attitude or hide in a corner etc. if you don’t think you can handle it than don’t go.
Post # 11
I think you have gotten great advice here on how to behave around her. She sounds really awful actually and I would encourage you to look into why you are still not over this relationship. Think of it as romantic one- if an ex broke up with you because you weren’t successful and important, I hope you would move on and tell him to kindly F Off. I also don’t think you have to feel like the odd person out only because of her in a group setting. She should be ashamed of the person she has become and you can take the high road, be cordial, and enjoy the company of others and show how awesome you are. Leave the past in the past.
Post # 12
Why do you want to be friends with someone who treats you like shit? I don’t care how nice she was in the past who she is today is not a nice person.
Post # 13
This “friend” sounds like an ass, OP. And I wouldn’t be surprised if your missing her has as much to do with the fact that you haven’t found another friendship to replace this one as with an actual longing for her, specifically.
I’m glad you’re planning to keep your distance at this event. If you drink, I would also say not to have enough to relax too much tomorrow. If you haven’t already, you should delete/block her number or, if you’re not ready for that, then change her name to “Fuck this Bitch” in your phone. (So the next time you get the urge to reach out, you don’t).
Don’t contact her anymore. You deserve much better than the treatment she has shown you. Like many pp’s, I’ve had relationships where I was “more advanced” than others and times where others were “more advanced” than me and NO ONE ever said “I don’t want to be friends anymore because I have a house and a job and you do not.”
What a cruel thing to say. Come back and tell us how it went!
Post # 14
This happened to me with my best friend of 15 years – out of the blue, she stopped wanting to spend time together and eventually she just stopped returning my calls all together. I was confused and heartbroken since I didn’t know what had happened to explain the sudden coldness. A few months after her disappearing act, she did reach out to officially ‘break up’ with me by saying she was moving to a new city (an hour away) for university and no longer wanted to be friends with me or any of our other friends. She cut us all out of her life, including her own step-sister who was also part of our friend group.
I was devastated. I missed her and thought about her often, but that was the last I heard from her until she showed up at my mother’s funeral two years later. We sat down to chat for a few minutes and she proceeded to go on and on about how much she hates her dad (her parents divorced when we were 10) and generally talk about herself and her life. I didn’t have the mental energy at that time to point out how tone deaf the conversation was so I wished her well and went on my way.
It took that reunion for me to reflect back on our friendship with a more critical eye to realize she had never really been a good friend to me and as sad as I was, I wasn’t really missing out on a quality friend in her. I do have many fond memories, but when I really thought about it, the friendship was often one-sided with me putting in far more energy and not getting much in return.
All this to say, if someone will go through the the trouble of actually ending a friendship with you, don’t waste your time trying to rekindle what you thought you had. That person probably isn’t a great friend at the end of the day and you deserve to surround yourself with people who are.
Post # 15
OP really ask yourself why you want to resume a friendship with an asshole. Do you make a habit of allowing yourself to be treated with disrespect by those you are close to? This person is not the last woman on earth to be friends with. Life moves on, you can’t live in the present by yearning for what’s past.