How to act around ex BFF

posted 5 days ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
698 posts
Busy bee

Please stop trying to be friends with this dreadful woman. She does not think anything of you and she probably enjoys you being upset and trying desperately to reconnect with her. 

I would just completely ignore her at this party, she has done nothing to deserve you speaking to her or acknowledging her presence. Cut her out of your life completely. 

Post # 17
Member
321 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Bee you shouldn’t feel pathetic!! I think for some people friend breakups are just as devastating (or more) as breaking up with a partner. When people go through breakups or see exes we all know they can be a little irrational- but the same acceptance isn’t always given when you were “just friends”

I do want to say this – I completely ghosted a friend when I was about 23, a very good friend, we had been roommates etc. It had nothing to do with her and it is my biggest regret, ever. This doesn’t mean I’d pick up the friendship now, or I would expect her to reciprocate if I tried, but I know I handled things badly and the whine thing makes me sad.

Post # 19
Member
118 posts
Blushing bee

She seems like a jerk. 

Post # 20
Member
2263 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2020

Agree with PP to treat her politely as an acquaintance. 

Post # 21
Member
4287 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

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@jcasa:  this similarly happened to me about 10 years ago with my very best friend. We were so close, we used to do everything together, talked to each other all day long, even got matching tattoos. She was 4 years older than me and I think she always held that over my head somehow.

She suddenly ghosted me, stopped answering my calls and texts and wouldn’t explain anything. I finally emailed her (of all things to do) to just say my peace and tell her how I felt. I didn’t think she would respond but she did and it was so fucking mean!

She said some the same things your exBF did, like we were in two different places in our lives, I “changed” as a person, I went to college and she didn’t and she has a full time job and I don’t know what that’s like (even though I worked 30 hours a week while taking 19 credits a semester, but I digress!) for some reason that means we can’t be friends.

Then she started saying weird shit like “oh and your mom buys you things and mine doesn’t.” And that was just the last straw for me. I emailed her back and just told her that it was a shitty thing of her to do but I let her go. Looking back I realized that our friendship was one sided for awhile and I didn’t really want to see it.

We both have a mutual friend (my roommate in college who she met through me) and I see her from time to time. It took us awhile to be at a “good” place but we are now.

We share the same bday and will text one another now, she cii congratulated me on my wedding  and I reached out to her when her father passed and she did the same for me when my sister died. We’re okay now. We’re not friends in any way shape or form but at least we can be in the same room and there’s no friction.

We’ve said multiple times we will always have love for the other person and I truly do wish her the best but it’s just better off the way it is now, and I have been okay with that for a long time. I know you will get to that place too and accept it for what it is, even if it does take some time. Good luck Bee. 

Post # 22
Member
1939 posts
Buzzing bee

Sounds like you need  some new friends!

I don’t think you’d be dwelling on this as much if you had some good new friends to do things with. Don’t fall for the sunk cost fallacy- it’s hard to let friendships end but she’s made it pretty clear and I think you’re better off. I get it’s hard- been there, done that. 

Time to start making new memories with better people. She sounds like a bitch tbh. Treat her like you would an ex- cordial but distant 

Post # 23
Member
971 posts
Busy bee

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@jcasa:  

I have occasionally in the past ended friendships with people who wanted to be friends with me much more than I wanted to be friends with them, but I always did it in a kind, tactful way. When it comes to friendship, I tend to feel that the slow fade is the kindest way to end it, unless there is bad behaviour – in which case it probably needs to be called out first.

Your friend had every right to end the friendship, but I may say she did it in what sounds like a particularly callous and selfish way. This should comfort you when you feel sad about losing her – realise that someone who would hurt you in that way is no great loss to you. Furthermore, you must wrap your mind around the idea that someone who does not want to be in your life is, by definition, not the right person for you and should not be mourned.

Please use these ideas to get over the idea of wanting to rekindle a friendship with her. She told you in the bluntest possible terms that she doesn’t want that. No more invitations to lunch, no more wondering whether you pushed her away, no more secretly hoping to be friends with her. She’s not your person because she doesn’t want to be. I promise you your self-esteem will start soaring once you choose to only associate with people who are excited to be with you.

As to how you act around her – be polite and neutral. How are you, hope you’re well, that’s nice, kind of thing. Keep it short. Then smile and excuse yourself and go and talk to someone else. Cool, calm, and collected.

Post # 25
Member
78 posts
Worker bee

This is an awful reason to stop being friends with someone. Friends should support each other no matter where they are in their lives.

. That is what is so special about friends you’ve had for life; the friendships were established upon a genuine connection and not out of convenience (your kids play on the same soccer team, you work together, or you live on the same block etc) which is how most adult friendships are made. It’s hard to put into the effort to become friends with someone at a different place in their life, but when the friendship has already been established, there effort doesn’t need to be made. The friendship is already there. 

I’m recently engaged and have friends that have been married for years and mvoed to the suburbs, friends around the same stage of their lives as me, and single friends. We all support each other. I go to the kids birthday parties of my married friends and watch their kids grow, I listen to them complain about the value of their house and the cost of repairs, giving laughable unsolicited advice here and there. I laugh with my single friends about their awful bumble dates and offer them a shoulder to cry on when a guy is an asshole.  I trade wedding planning advice and tips with friends in a similar situation as me. The friendships may have changed and we may not see each other as often as we used to, but I know I can count on any of my friends to support me when I need someone. Where they are in their lives shouldn’t dictate that. 

I personally would not want to be friends with this person that doesn’t seem to understand what being a good friend means. I would say hello and be cordial to her, but otherwise just focus on the people that have opted to support you through whatever growths you’ve made in the past few years.

Good luck. 

Post # 26
Member
971 posts
Busy bee

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@jcasa:  

Something I have learned for sure over the years is that unfulfilling relationships take a lot of time and energy from us, and that is time and energy we are not spending on the right people, the people who are good for us.

The answer is not to try and keep making the bad, unfulfilling friendships work. It’s to recognise them for what they are and cut your losses sooner so that you can go and look for people who are a better fit.

The good friends cannot find you if you are pouring your energy into a bad friendship. The time you are spending running after this friend who doesn’t want to be your friend any more is time you could be spending meeting new people, doing new activities, having new conversations, nurturing friendships that are happier and more satisfying. Strong, healthy, mature, kind people are not going to be beating down your door to spend time with you when you are pining away after a friend who is treating you with contempt. They are drawn to other strong, healthy, mature, kind people who know their own worth.

I promise you that when you cut off a toxic person, better people come out of the woodwork to fill their place. There are nearly 8 billion people in the world. Millions of them would make better friends than this ex-BFF of yours.

But even if you don’t make new friends right away, learning to love and value yourself and enjoy your own company is 100 times better than being with someone who doesn’t value you.

Post # 27
Member
9658 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

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@jcasa:  

l think 

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@indigobee:  said it all. I hope you can follow her advice in the long term and in the short term , as pps have said, be cordial and polite if you have to meet. Do not ask her about herself, nothing, not anything , do not share anything with her in the unlikely event of being asked. No need to obviously ignore, but do not initiate anything at all. A pleasant slight smile and hi is all you need . 

Post # 29
Member
172 posts
Blushing bee

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@jcasa:  please don’t reach out to these girls, get yourself into therapy ASAP. You are mourning people who are very mean to you and you need to get to the root of it. I know it is hard making friends as adults but you will find people that will be there no matter what, these people were nothing but cruel to you for ridiculous reasons. Please have self respect and know theyy do not want you!! Would you chase a man after the dumped you and made it clear he wants nothing to do with you? I reckon not as you’re married and hope you see what a healthy relationship is supposed to be like. 

Post # 30
Member
6986 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

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@jcasa:  The thing to do now is the same as it was before- stop reaching out to them to try to get them to be your friends. Look for other people who are actually going to be a friend to you.

Newsflash- when you’re in a mixed group, it’s not at all thoughtful, considerate or kind to talk about activities that only one person has been left out of.

I’m glad that the evening was pleasant overall and I’m sorry that it’s left you in this challenging and distressed place. I agree with PP that you may want to look into getting support from a therapist to helpyou through this. Losing a friend (or multiple friends) of such long duration can cause grief like the death of a loved one.

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