How to act around ex BFF

posted 2 months ago in Relationships
Post # 31
Member
651 posts
Busy bee

Please don’t reach out to them, they sound awful and it seems like they didn’t take your thoughts into consideration at all 

Post # 32
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

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@jcasa:  

I agree with 

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@TwilightRarity:  that the evening was not as wonderful as you would like to think it was and that you are giving these girls too much credit.

Leaving aside for the minute that they invited you to a gathering which they must have known would be awkward for you – we’ll give them the benefit of the doubt there because maybe the birthday girl really did want you there – to openly discuss events and plans in which you were not included is actually really unkind and mean.

I would even go so far as to say the hot and cold behaviour of your ex-BFF (telling you one moment that she doesn’t want to be friends with you any more and the next moment chatting and laughing as though nothing has happened) is unkind as well – particularly because she knows perfectly well that she will go back to ignoring you when the evening is over. How is that supposed to make you feel?

The bottom line is that this ex-BFF of yours doesn’t care.

Have some boundaries with her (and with these other friends of yours). Don’t allow them to make you feel like crap, and put some distance between yourself and them. Who the hell are they to make you feel like the odd one out in their little clique? Screw them! That’s how I would feel.

 

Post # 33
Member
4332 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

I want to comment on this and echo PPs,

I explained in a previous comment that things ended similarly with my ex BF and I was in a similar boat where I was still close with another girl let’s call her L, who the ex BF became close to as well. I was invited to L’s small intimate wedding shortly after the ex BF and I had the falling out. I knew I would see her there but I was completely blindsided when I found out she was L’s Maid/Matron of Honor. And ex BF made toasts and speeches to her as though they were like sisters and it hurt so bad. That night gave me clarity and I realized I had to distance myself from L as much as I cared for her because the whole thing felt cruel. I was the only other friend there who was not in their tiny wedding party and I felt so stupid for being there and so left out. Distancing myself from L was hard too but I had to do it for my own sanity. I still hung out with her alone or without ex BF but I made a conscious effort to not be around ex BF for awhile until it didn’t hurt so much anymore and I could be civil. I was also honest with L and told her that I wouldn’t be coming to small get togethers with ex BF and that it didn’t have anything to do with L I just wanted her to know that it was pointless to invite me. I would advise you to do the same. Good luck. 

Post # 34
Member
2449 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

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@jcasa:  Something I didn’t mention in the original post is that all four of us used to be BFFs. I made up with one friend (the birthday girl) a couple of years ago, but the three of them are still super close so now I am the odd one out.

 

OK, so this sounds more like you were basically ejected from the group, not just that your former BFF was actually a stone cold bitch. What happened, OP? Did you have a separate falling out with the other two (you mention you made up with the birthday girl), or did they just freeze you out since your former BFF no longer wanted to be friends?

 

If it’s the latter, OP, this group sounds incredibly cruel. And I wouldn’t be so inclined to assume they were all three just completely thoughtless, rambling on about their vacations in front of you knowing you were the only one not invited- I’d start thinking it was pointed reminders that you were an outsider.

 

It’s easy to look back on times with nostalgia and remember things better than what they really were, so be honest OP- was the friendship really that strong? Were your former friends truly kind people who supported you, or was this kind of behavior par for the course?

Post # 36
Member
706 posts
Busy bee

Please dont text her or communicate with her at all.

It will not create a spark on her side. More than likely she will ignore it leaving you upset she ignored you. 

You need to cut this woman off completely. Clean break. When she sees you have moved on she will probably try give the impression of making an effort and maybe contact you again but this will just be game playing. Once she has your hopes up she’ll drop you again.

She is playing a very nasty game with you and messing with your head. Please just get her out of your life.

 

Post # 37
Member
1023 posts
Bumble bee

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@jcasa:  

The reason that you are resistant to letting this go and moving on is that bad relationships (whether they are friendships, work relationships, family relationship, romantic relationships etc.) create a toxic dynamic where you feel that you need this person’s love and approval to be ok.

You become addicted to the process of trying to win some positive attention and affirmation from them. Each time they cut you down, it makes you want to work that much harder to get them to like you again. It’s a mild form of trauma bonding, which is what makes me think that this friendship was probably not that great from the start and that you’ve probably had other friendships like this.

This is sooo damaging for your self-esteem, which is why the bees here have advised you to work on self-esteem and self-worth. Each time you chase a person who cannot care for you the way you need them to and they disappoint you, you are simply affirming to yourself that that is all you deserve. You are actively sending yourself the message that you deserve to be treated that way, so of course you just feel worse about yourself and depressed, which is why you are finding this hole difficult to climb out of.

That is why it is so essential to take hold of yourself and say “No! I do not deserve someone who doesn’t want to be friends with me and treats me coldly and ignores my messages.”

You need to validate yourself and walk away from such a person and actively look for better people and situations, because that will reinforce to yourself that you are actually worthy of love and caring, and then you will start to feel better 🙂

Post # 38
Member
45 posts
Newbee

She very clearly doesn’t want to be your friend, so just drop it and act civil at the party, then forget her. I actually admire her for having the balls to tell you in the face, as opposed to half ghosting or backing out of arranged meeting with lame excuses. She was as clear as she could be – doesn’t want to be friends. I would be fuming if someone kept trying to be friends with me when I clearly said I didn’t want to. It’s probably even not your fault, but she has her reasons. 

Post # 39
Member
124 posts
Blushing bee

Don’t reach out to them, you don’t need ‘friends’ in your life that make you feel rejected and crappy about yourself. Even if they did want to hang out occasionally, you would be constantly reminded of the rejection and lack of investment in the friendship. You deserve better!

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