Post # 1
I am currently 9w pregnant with our second child. My husband and I get pregnant if we look at each other (first baby was a honeymoon semi-surprise- we were NTNP) and this one happened on the first try. My sister has been trying to get pregnant off and on for about a year (they took a few months off at one point). I know she was really hoping to have her baby in the spring, as that would be best with her work schedule. I am due at the end of April. We have not announced to our families yet. My sister is my best friend and I know she will be happy for us, but I also know she will be a little bummed about their situation. Any suggestions for how I can break the news to her gently?
Post # 2
Ack, that’s so tough. I’m trying to put myself in her shoes if my sister told me she was pregnant. We’ve been trying for 3 years, so I can understand how she might feel. I would be SO happy if my sister told she was pregnant though, but I think based on our relationship and how I know I would react, I would appreciate her telling me one on one, in person.
Post # 3
I would announce to her privately in some way before you tell the family. In person works, but I have also heard that some long term TTC couples would prefer an e-mail so they can process before they need to respond. While she will be happy for her, she might need a moment or two to be mad or angry or sad. I would make sure that you give her the space to have her reaciton, ie I would tell her at her home instead of in mine or some other space that she has an easy escape route if she wants to deal with her own emotions prior to being happy for you.
Post # 4
I am like your sister — I had a lot of trouble conceiving and ended up needing fertility treatments for my first pregnancy. My sister, on the other hand, can feel when she’s ovulating and always, miraculously, gets pregnant on the very first try, naturally (she has 3 kids).
For me, the worst thing is when people assume that I’m going to be upset by something and go overboard on trying to soften the news. I never wanted to be pitied — I don’t think anyone does. I would just tell her and be happy about it, and continue to support her in an upbeat way — fertility treatments are amazing these days, and trying off and on for 1 year really isn’t that long. She has many, many reasons to be very hopeful.
Post # 5
I think telling her one on one – maybe even first – when no one else is present. She is likely to have a lot of feelings, including happiness, and may feel “on the spot” if told in front of other people. Go out to lunch/dinner/whatever and let her know you are excited to share this news but you also know it might bring up stuff for her and you understand that. I think with this its more about supporting her emotionally even though its your happy news. There will be many other people who will put you first with this news but for telling her I think its best to put her first…just my opinion
Post # 6
I would tell her via text or email…I know it’s impersonal, but it gives her a chance to have her reaction, and not feel guilty, and then respond when she’s ready.
Post # 7
we are having issues TTC and both my SIL and BFF got pregnant quickly and unexpectedly.
both told me privately, which i totally appreciated, but then each one said something:
BFF – “i would have told you sooner, but i didn’t know how to because i knew this would upset you”
SIL – “i know this really sucks for you, i’m so sorry we aren’t pregnant together”
both of them were well-meaning and have hearts of gold, but it actually made the news really upsetting for me, when at first i was just really excited for each of them.
when you tell your sister, my advice would be to do it privately and just tell her and let her be excited for you without feeling pitied.
Post # 8
Maybe it is just me, but I would really not want to be put on the spot alone, in public, in person to be able to muster the appropriate happy face. If my sister was pregnant, I would be thrilled for her, really I would. But after no luck after over a year, my first reaction might not be what I really want her to see. I want the ability to tell her how happy I am for her while still being disappointed that we aren’t having a baby yet. It doesn’t mean I would be any less excited for her, just that I want to be able to get past what I know are my own selfish emotions to be able to express how awesome it is to get to be an aunt. But I also don’t think you have to walk on eggshellbs etither especially if you’re close. A baby is happy news, and should be treated as such.
Post # 9
I am in a similar situation, and they told me over the phone, which was okay, but only because I had an idea the news was coming. I know it’s a little impersonal, I’m with sara_tiara. Text or email might be better to give her some time to process alone.
Post # 10
Thanks for all of the relies so far- very good advice. I definitely don’t want to make too big a deal about their struggles because I don’t want to seem like I am pitying her. She wouldn’t like that. But I also want her to know that I’m fine with her being a little bummed about it or not as excited as she was the first time, just because the timing is not the best. I keep hoping that if I wait long enough, she will announce that she’s pregnant and then we can have so much fun being preggo together!
Post # 11
paperumbrella: I am also like your sister. My sister got pregnant twice by accident, while I have been trying for a year with only a recent ectopic to show for it. My sister made the mistake of basically blurting out to me that she was pregnant while at a family wedding! I cried both from being excited as I love her first daughter so so much and couldn’t wait to meet version 2.0, but I also cried because I was going through a lot and she hit me very suddenly with it. I just couldn’t handle it. Luckily she didn’t really clue in, but I would say to definitely avoid blurting it out around other people. I think the best thing to do is to talk to her privately before the rest of the family, let her know that you know she’s been trying and that you totally get that what you’re about to tell her may be difficult. Let her know you will understand if all her thoughts aren’t rainbows and butterflies, and that that’s okay, and then just tell her. I’m sure she will be a mix of happy and sad, but as long as you are both honest and you let her know it’s okay for her to feel that way, I think things would be fine. I would also avoid any commentary about how easy it was for you to get pregnant. My sister made that kind of comment to me, and you also said it in your original post. That was probably the part that hurt me the most, so I’d avoid it if possible. Good luck and congrats!
Post # 12
As someone struggling with TTC, I would honestly prefer a text/email. That way I can process my feelings before picking up the phone to congratulate her.
Post # 13
Being in her situation, I’d want to find out by text or email. If she told me in person, even one-on-one, there’s a chance I would cry and make the announcement about me, in which case I might not only feel sad, but also like an ass.
Please don’t talk down to her (“you may be bummed, etc.). Tell her the same way you’d tell anyone else, but give her room to process the information privately. It’s also possible that she’ll be excited for you, and you should let that happen and not sell “the moment” short. Just avoid baby-talk with her afterward unless she brings it up. My two cents.
Post # 14
paperumbrella: My SIL got pregnant when they were NTNP and my husband and I had been having issues TTC for awhile. She sent me a text to let me know before she announced to the rest of the family. While that might seem impersonable to some, it was perfect. It allowed me to have the real reaction I had (being annoyed and disappointed that it wasn’t me) without hurting her feelings or having to hid my emotions. I was/am very excited for them but not being face to face allowed me to vent to my husband and have a real conversation and still be able to support her and be excited for a new baby in the family.
Post # 15
paperumbrella: I would tell her by email/text, and not do it in person. We have been trying for over a year with 4 early losses, my younger brother and SIL are expecting their 2nd kid and he told us in person, he knows of our struggles, but he thought it was best to tell us in person. I tried my best to hide my tears, I congratulated him really fast and just left DH to keep talking to him, I just couldn’t take it. I felt like a complete asshole afterwards, but I just couldn’t handle the situation, it was too painful and I’ll be honest at that moment I just felt jealousy and pity for myself. I would have preferred to get an email, process my emotions alone and then I would have either call or visit them to congratulate them. As a PP stated please do not mention anything about how easy it was to conceive. Congratulations on your pregnancy! 🙂