How to answer the annoying- "When are you two going to get married?" question

posted 1 year ago in Waiting
  • poll: Do you think it's rude to ask not-yet-engaged couples about their plans regarding wedding/children?
    yes, if a couple didn't make their plans known, it's rude to try to get them to reveal them : (71 votes)
    60 %
    no, it's just a small-talk, there is no harm in being curious : (40 votes)
    34 %
    at least family and closest friends have right to know : (8 votes)
    7 %
  • Post # 2
    Member
    5578 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: July 2018

    If discussing timelines aren’t normal and a woman isn’t supposed to know when she’s getting engaged then why are you even getting questions asking when you’re getting engaged?

    Post # 4
    Member
    1555 posts
    Bumble bee

    I’d just say “we’re not in any rush” and steer the conversation elsewhere…

    Post # 5
    Member
    573 posts
    Busy bee

    pink.lemonade :  Agree with this. Yes it’s rude and I’m not sure why people feel entitled to that personal information but it would probably step on some toes for you to point it out. (The hypocrisy, I know but usually people who are bold enough to enquire into your personal life feel as though they have a right to.) Just tell them there’s no rush or that you haven’t decided yet or even better: 

    “When we know, we’ll tell you.”

    Post # 6
    Member
    1105 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: September 2018

    I wouldn’t say friends and close family have a right to know, but I would say they aren’t out of line to bring it up. Discussing personal things is part of being close. 

    If you are waiting for him to come around then I’d reply with “that’s up to SO” or “you’d have to ask SO.” If you are both not in a rush, then something vague implying you’ll get there when you get there. 

    The upside to cultures where men held all the cards was that usually dating didn’t go on for years on end. It seems you are getting the worst of both worlds. 

    Post # 7
    Member
    878 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: August 2015

    beejolly :  I mean, if you’ve been “seriously waiting” for two years, what is stopping you from asking when it’s going to be? 

    This whole “it’s not the norm to ask timelines here” is bullshit and tbh a bit naive of you. Just because you are “the woman” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a say. That’s pretty insulting!

    As for your actual question, just say “we’ll let you know when we know” and move on

    Post # 8
    Member
    7813 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    Why not ask your boyfriend about it? Two years is a long time to be waiting blindly for a proposal. I don’t know where you’re from but it seems to me that in any adult relationship both partners have a right to know what the other is thinking in terms of the future of the relationship. 

    Post # 10
    Member
    49 posts
    Newbee
    • Wedding: August 2018

    Got this for a solid year before we got engaged. We would just smile and say “No plans yet, we’re just enjoying dating and getting to know each other even better.”

    I do think it’s rude, but it’s all about how you react to it. We never made a big deal about it, so it didn’t bother us. Answer quickly and move on to something else.

    Post # 11
    Member
    8831 posts
    Buzzing Beekeeper

    beejolly :  “ring shopping/timeline setting is not normal here – so usually a woman doesn’t know when she is going to engaged” — What country are you in, if you don’t mind sharing. I’m always interested in learning about different cultures. 

    Post # 12
    Member
    617 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: September 2018 - City, State

    We have been together for several years but didn’t feel prepared to get married immediately purely for un-romantic logistical reasons (grad school, taxes, crap like that). We knew we were committed to each other so it didn’t matter if people asked … some variation of “When we are good and ready” or playfully “Why, did you bring a gift today?” usually fills the info gap fine. I don’t think most people mean anything by it, it’s just small talk. 

    Post # 14
    Member
    7813 posts
    Bumble Beekeeper

    beejolly :  I assumed you didn’t ask because you said timelines are not discussed in your culture and usually a woman has no idea when she’ll be getting engaged. Then you mentioned you’ve been waiting for a proposal for two years, which would drive anyone a bit crazy I think.

    I agree that it’s inappropriate for people to ask you this question, but welcome to living I guess. People are always gonna nose into other people’s business. Once you get engaged they’ll want to know when the wedding is. Once you get married, they’ll ask when you’re having kids, and once you have a kid they’ll ask when the next one is coming. Next time someone asks why not just say “great question, why don’t you ask my SO?”

    Post # 15
    Member
    443 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: April 2019

    beejolly :  my go to answers used to be things like “well we are walking not running right now, so who knows when? what’s the rush?” I’d say that one if they were being polite, or “why rush when people get married and unmarried so quickly these days? We are so happy the way we are”. If people got rude or pushy about it sometimes I’d say “we are happily living in sin right now” or “we are happily unmarried right now”.

    People can be so incredibly intrusive sometimes, and they don’t realize they are being so rude. Last year before we were engaged, my Fiance surprised me with a week in Hawaii!! I thought we just had a layover there on our way home (from a 2 week trip in Asia) but it was for a week!!! I was so happy I cried when he told me (as our plane was landing in Hawaii! He had bought new clothes for me and hidden them the whole time too). BUT everyone I know kept FBing me or texting me “omg y’all are getting engaged!!??” And it really took away from my joy over the surprise Hawaii trip. Getting engaged hadn’t even been on my mind until people brought it up. All I could thing was “damn people! I’m already on an amazing trip can’t you guys just be happy for me?”

    I remember feeling kind of sad one day on the beach in Hawaii, and feeling so angry at the people that were making me feel like I was missing out. Don’t let people make you feel like that Bee. You aren’t, your timeline is yours and as long as the path you’re on makes you happy then it’s right for you.

    We wound up getting engaged almost exactly one year later, on another amazing trip.

    Basically, figure out a few conversation ending one liners, and ignore it. It’s all you can do. People do not intend to hurt your feelings, but it will keep going and going. Good luck!

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