Post # 1
Member
32 posts
Newbee
Me and my Boyfriend are in position to get married and have kids for couple of years now. But we are NOT ENGAGED and ring shopping/timeline setting is not normal here – so usually a woman doesn’t know when she is going to engaged, and plans for wedding and children are never made (obviously) without getting engaged first. Yes, we discuss timelines but it’s never – we get engaged, married, have kids by then and then. Never. And even if it would, why would I discuss it with anybody without having my man ask my hand first? Why would my man reveal his plans – if he has any – to them? That is a private thing, and I think it’s unreasonable and inappropriate to discuss it with others without having some sort of understanding with each other first.
Yet we are constantly facing these intrusive questions as if we had it all planned and lied down on paper. These are not only colleagues and relatives, but also friends and loved ones. How do I let them know they are being rude without offending them?
It’s specially hard for me because I have been seriously waiting to get engaged for this past two years, and these kind of questions really hurt my feelings.
Post # 2
Member
5471 posts
Bee Keeper
If discussing timelines aren’t normal and a woman isn’t supposed to know when she’s getting engaged then why are you even getting questions asking when you’re getting engaged?
Post # 3
Member
32 posts
Newbee
zzar45 : EXACTLY! It’s ironic, isn’t it? Peter and Suzan wouldn’t know how to answer the question themselves, if they weren’t already married with kids, yet they are hypocritically asking Jonah and Jean. :/
Post # 4
Member
1549 posts
Bumble bee
I’d just say “we’re not in any rush” and steer the conversation elsewhere…
Post # 5
Member
475 posts
Helper bee
pink.lemonade : Agree with this. Yes it’s rude and I’m not sure why people feel entitled to that personal information but it would probably step on some toes for you to point it out. (The hypocrisy, I know but usually people who are bold enough to enquire into your personal life feel as though they have a right to.) Just tell them there’s no rush or that you haven’t decided yet or even better:
“When we know, we’ll tell you.”
Post # 6
Member
1012 posts
Bumble bee
I wouldn’t say friends and close family have a right to know, but I would say they aren’t out of line to bring it up. Discussing personal things is part of being close.
If you are waiting for him to come around then I’d reply with “that’s up to SO” or “you’d have to ask SO.” If you are both not in a rush, then something vague implying you’ll get there when you get there.
The upside to cultures where men held all the cards was that usually dating didn’t go on for years on end. It seems you are getting the worst of both worlds.
Post # 7
Member
886 posts
Busy bee
beejolly : I mean, if you’ve been “seriously waiting” for two years, what is stopping you from asking when it’s going to be?
This whole “it’s not the norm to ask timelines here” is bullshit and tbh a bit naive of you. Just because you are “the woman” doesn’t mean you shouldn’t have a say. That’s pretty insulting!
As for your actual question, just say “we’ll let you know when we know” and move on
Post # 8
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
Why not ask your boyfriend about it? Two years is a long time to be waiting blindly for a proposal. I don’t know where you’re from but it seems to me that in any adult relationship both partners have a right to know what the other is thinking in terms of the future of the relationship.
Post # 9
Member
32 posts
Newbee
tiffanybruiser : What makes you think I didn’t ask? It doesn’t matter for purposes of this post though – people shouldn’t inquire about it whether I know the timeline or not.
Post # 10
Member
44 posts
Newbee
Got this for a solid year before we got engaged. We would just smile and say “No plans yet, we’re just enjoying dating and getting to know each other even better.”
I do think it’s rude, but it’s all about how you react to it. We never made a big deal about it, so it didn’t bother us. Answer quickly and move on to something else.
Post # 11
Member
9154 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
beejolly : “
ring shopping/timeline setting is not normal here – so usually a woman doesn’t know when she is going to engaged” — What country are you in, if you don’t mind sharing. I’m always interested in learning about different cultures.
Post # 12
Member
540 posts
Busy bee
- Wedding: September 2018 - City, State
We have been together for several years but didn’t feel prepared to get married immediately purely for un-romantic logistical reasons (grad school, taxes, crap like that). We knew we were committed to each other so it didn’t matter if people asked … some variation of “When we are good and ready” or playfully “Why, did you bring a gift today?” usually fills the info gap fine. I don’t think most people mean anything by it, it’s just small talk.
Post # 13
Member
32 posts
Newbee
Daisy_Mae : Slovakia! We are slowly progressing from the smalltown mentality towards more western approach, but the tradition and christianity is still deeply rooted – sometimes for the good, sometimes for the bad.
Post # 14
Member
7439 posts
Busy Beekeeper
beejolly : I assumed you didn’t ask because you said timelines are not discussed in your culture and usually a woman has no idea when she’ll be getting engaged. Then you mentioned you’ve been waiting for a proposal for two years, which would drive anyone a bit crazy I think.
I agree that it’s inappropriate for people to ask you this question, but welcome to living I guess. People are always gonna nose into other people’s business. Once you get engaged they’ll want to know when the wedding is. Once you get married, they’ll ask when you’re having kids, and once you have a kid they’ll ask when the next one is coming. Next time someone asks why not just say “great question, why don’t you ask my SO?”
Post # 15
Member
367 posts
Helper bee
beejolly : my go to answers used to be things like “well we are walking not running right now, so who knows when? what’s the rush?” I’d say that one if they were being polite, or “why rush when people get married and unmarried so quickly these days? We are so happy the way we are”. If people got rude or pushy about it sometimes I’d say “we are happily living in sin right now” or “we are happily unmarried right now”.
People can be so incredibly intrusive sometimes, and they don’t realize they are being so rude. Last year before we were engaged, my Fiance surprised me with a week in Hawaii!! I thought we just had a layover there on our way home (from a 2 week trip in Asia) but it was for a week!!! I was so happy I cried when he told me (as our plane was landing in Hawaii! He had bought new clothes for me and hidden them the whole time too). BUT everyone I know kept FBing me or texting me “omg y’all are getting engaged!!??” And it really took away from my joy over the surprise Hawaii trip. Getting engaged hadn’t even been on my mind until people brought it up. All I could thing was “damn people! I’m already on an amazing trip can’t you guys just be happy for me?”
I remember feeling kind of sad one day on the beach in Hawaii, and feeling so angry at the people that were making me feel like I was missing out. Don’t let people make you feel like that Bee. You aren’t, your timeline is yours and as long as the path you’re on makes you happy then it’s right for you.
We wound up getting engaged almost exactly one year later, on another amazing trip.
Basically, figure out a few conversation ending one liners, and ignore it. It’s all you can do. People do not intend to hurt your feelings, but it will keep going and going. Good luck!