How to answer the annoying- "When are you two going to get married?" question

posted 3 years ago in Waiting
  • poll: Do you think it's rude to ask not-yet-engaged couples about their plans regarding wedding/children?

    yes, if a couple didn't make their plans known, it's rude to try to get them to reveal them

    no, it's just a small-talk, there is no harm in being curious

    at least family and closest friends have right to know

  • Post # 31
    2610 posts
    Sugar bee

    I think it’s rude for acquaintances and distant family members to ask. You never know when the timeline is a point of contention for the couple or a soft spot for one or the other. But in my circle it’s pretty commonly discussed with close friends and family members. People who you’re uncomfortable discussing delicate topics with. 

    Not sure why they keep asking you though if it’s not even customary for the female to know. 

    Post # 32
    302 posts
    Helper bee

    I know the feeling. My boyfriend has indicated when (ish) he plans to propose (within the next 10 months) and we’ve set a very rough wedding date (between 14 and 18 months from now), but my grandmother is 100% not pleased with the fact that we haven’t tied the knot and gotten pregnant. To be fair, she is 92 and keeps telling us ‘Two years is a long time when you’re my age!’ but there’s also literally nothing we can do at this point. My boyfriend will propose when he’s ready and I’ll say yes, we’re not intentionally dragging our feet but we’re also not going to rush things!

    Post # 33
    10499 posts
    Sugar Beekeeper

    View original reply
    beejolly :  

    Don’t be one of the women from   round wherever you are who doesn’t know when engagement is ‘going to happen to her ‘ ie  waiting  for him to ‘ask for your hand’ ( really,  ask for your hand ….)  Why, if you are  both of the same mind  , can you not pick a general  timeframe and simply tell people when they ask? You know  , something like ‘maybe a year,  we haven’t decided yet’ or the standard ‘when we are ready we will’ type response if you want to be secretive .  

    Don’t do the ‘when he asks me’  or any version of it, so pathetic, as  if you had no agency over your life  and were content to be some sort of Patient Griselda . Your SO would likely and reasonably  see that as  passive-agggessive  too. 

    To answer your original  implied question,  no I dont think it rude , its just normal , if a tad intrusive. I think people  call it rude when they are feeling overdue for a proposal  and fear others might be thinking the same thing about them .

    Post # 34
    126 posts
    Blushing bee

    Same here! Almost everyone on this forum told me – SET THE TIMLINE SET THE TIMELINE but it’s just not in my culture, I cant do it…struggling with the same questions almost on a weekly basis after our 3rd year anniversay… :(((

    Post # 35
    191 posts
    Blushing bee

    When I began getting asked questions a year or so ago, it was SO HARD for me at first. I would usually get my feelings hurt over it and it would cause me to resent SO because it brought up all these insecurities. For me, it was about finally getting on the same page as SO. Now that we have a rough plan TOGETHER, I don’t feel so bad when someone asks. Typically I brush it off like, “I don’t know, I’m not the one proposing” (sarcastically said, of course).  Honestly, it’s become something that is humorous for SO and me. People ask all the time. It’s just a thing they do when you’ve been together a long time. At first I thought I was the only one getting asked, but apparently my SO gets his own flood of questions too. I do agree it’s intrusive and insensitive, but I don’t think most people mean any harm by asking. They just want to seem interested in your life.

    Post # 36
    1237 posts
    Bumble bee
    • Wedding: August 1983

    Personal questions are rude. Just. Plain. Rude. “Bless your heart” is a good answer. If you wanted them to have that information you would have told them–which is also a good answer.

    Post # 37
    6086 posts
    Bee Keeper

    You could answer then ask an equally personal question back? 

    Post # 38
    2971 posts
    Sugar bee
    • Wedding: January 2021

    I do think it is rude to ask. The last year before we got engaged it was constant.. every time we came back from a trip at least one or two people at work would ask or commet “oh no ring? I thought for sure you’d be coming back with a ring!” How fucking rude is that? Like, I wanted to be engaged at that point, he wanted to wait a bit since we had recently bought a house and he wanted to just enjoy our life for a bit before taking another big step. I was fine with it, but it still felt hurtful wehn people would say stuff like that becuase I’d feel like I had to defend why we weren’t engaged yet, like we were doing something wrong or something. Not cool.

    Post # 39
    2029 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: June 2019

    Seeeeeeeee for meeeeeeeeee……..

    Someone coming up and brazenly asking, “So when are you guys getting married?” is so extreme. Not many people ask that anymore. It’s rude and presumptuous, like you have a reason to know. It’s just as bad as assuming you’re invited to a wedding (haha *cough* people have done that to me). 

    But there are truly polite ways to steer it from brazen presumptuous ridiculousness into actual kind curiosity. Like, “So how are you guys doing? Where are you living? How’s your job? Do you have any plans for the future?” 

    I would be the complete opposite of offended if someone came to me like that. Asking how I am as a human being, how our relationship is going as a romantic relationship, versus just coming up and demanding my marital status. I think it’s okay for family members to be curious about your future plans, but there is a delicate, respectful way to put that question out there. 

    Post # 40
    566 posts
    Busy bee

    I used to always answer NEVER. Then everyone was so surprised when we got engaged and sent out wedding invitations hahha. 

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