How to approach this situation

posted 3 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 2
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

misslioness :  this is so tough, I’ve been the poor bridesmaid and always did everything I could to not show that to everyone. I do think you have no right to judge her for not saving properly because it is her money and you don’t know if she has credit card debt, loans bills, etc. 

This person is your maid of honor so clearly she means/meant something to you or you wouldn’t have asked her, so my question is, would you be more upset to be out $500 for a dress (which yikes that’s pricey!) or if she wasn’t in your wedding. If I were in your position and any one of my bridesmaids dropped this bomb it would mean more to me to have them stand up with me vs. the cost of a dress so I would tell my Maid/Matron of Honor ‘I couldn’t imagine getting married without you. Let me pay for the dress, this will stay between you and I’ and if she is comfortable with that then end the conversation and enjoy your wedding with the person who matter so much so you asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor to begin with 

Post # 3
Member
2793 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

I would ask if she would be comfortable doing her own hair and makeup and offer to pay for the dress. I’m assuming since it is coming from China it’s probably not that expensive. She is also not obligated to pay for a section of a trip if she cannot afford it. It really sucks that she waited so long to tell you but I would rather pay for her stuff than I would not have my best friend stand up with me at my wedding. 

Post # 5
Member
8431 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

misslioness :  Did you discuss costs with her or did you just tell her what the cost was?

Are you requiring professional hair and make up? Because if you are then you should be meeting that cost, not your bridal party.

Did you choose the accommodation or can she stay elsewhere?

Post # 6
Member
1502 posts
Bumble bee

Why are there 5 days of accomodations?  Why is she flying? Is this a destination wedding? 

Post # 7
Member
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

misslioness :  “and she has no credit cards”

Um, what?  What are you suggesting by this?  That she should get a credit card and go into debt for your wedding?

Look bee, it’s understandable that this is upsetting.  It does sound like costs have crept up with your wedding, and I’m also curious whether the hotel, hair and makeup etc. were pitched as compulsory.  In any event, if this girl means so much to you that you asked her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, you should sit her down, tell her how much it would mean to you for her to be there, and brainstorm together how that could happen. 

I would really hesitate to get too caught up in the “but her parents pay for everything” narrative.  Her financial position is her private business and it won’t help at all if you speculate.

Post # 8
Member
1833 posts
Buzzing bee

Sounds like your bridal party is financing your destination wedding. 

Post # 9
Member
2127 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2018

Your update makes you sound like a horrible friend!! 

Post # 10
Member
25 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2018

I don’t know why everyone is coming down so hard on you! 

From your post, it seems that to me, she agreed to all these expenses beforehand which if she did has nothing to do with being a pushy bride or “the bridal party financing your destination wedding”.

IF she accepted all the costs and said they were reasonable and now she changed her mind, I would definitely be pissed! Regardless of the wedding costing her $100 or $1000, if she agreed to pay it, she can’t just do that.

Having said, I’m guessing she’s very important to you since she is the Maid/Matron of Honor. Honestly since you’re out the money already, I would cover the $500 and see if she can make the wedding that way

Post # 11
Member
5806 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: April 2016

Does she have a job? It sounds like she’s still in school…if she isn’t working I’m perplexed as to how she was supposed to be saving anything in the first place…?

What is this 5 night stay for? The wedding itself? Or is this for your bachelorette party? 

When it comes down to it, she simply can’t afford it. It sucks and unfortunately she didn’t tell you sooner but it is what it is. Short of paying for her there’s not really anything to be done. 

Post # 12
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

misslioness :  I dont think i realized it was a destination for her. that is a lot for you to have to dish out, i was thinking it was just dress. I dont think you’re a bad friend, i think you’re just having a hard time dealing with planning a wedding with a flighty friend. You’re frustrasted and upset so you need to just accept she cant be in the wedding and focus on everything else

Post # 13
Member
2735 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

misslioness :  WHOA, 5 NIGHTS?!? this is a freaking vacation, not a wedding. and NO ONE is obligied to pay for an entire vacation to watch you get married.Darling Husband and I are pissed that we have to spend 3 nights on accommodations for a wedding out in LA because his idiot friend is getting married on a Monday. you are just way too demanding.

Post # 14
Member
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

I think a lot hinges on how much of a financial commitment she was making was made clear to her when she agreed to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. If she said, sure, I’d love to fly out to wherever the wedding is, and stay for 5 nights and I will share the costs with the bridal party, and also I want my hair and makeup professionally done so please add me to the contract (if it was HER request to have this done, and not decreed by the bride to do so), then yes, I agree it sucks that she didn’t bother to save up for this and is now pulling out 3 months from the wedding.

 

But if it was never discussed with her what kind of budget she has or what was expected of her, I think the fault lays with you, OP.

Post # 15
Member
248 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Can you offer to split some of the costs with her? Or maybe say, “as a thank you for being my maid of honor, I’d like to cover the 5 night at the house for you. We can keep it between us” 

When I was worried about one of my bridesmaids being to afford everything since she was doing missionary work, my Dad offered to pay for her flights. My friend accepted the offer and it was all good! 

It’s a long list of expenses that your bridesmaids have to pay for, so I understand if she’s freaking out. Why don’t you see how you can help? 

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