Post # 1
So my maid of honor just dropped the bomb on me that she doesn’t know if she can attend my wedding. Her reason, she hasn’t saved any money to attend my wedding. She has known the date for over a year, is living at home and hasn’t had to pay for room and board, or for any of her college and knew she would be without a job for about a month after graduating but worked a good paying job while in college. I wish she would have said something when we agreed on and ordered the bridesmaid dresses in November or when I double checked with everyone if they wanted hair and/or makeup done or not in January.
She also acted surpirsed when I dropped off her bridesmaid dress that she had to pay me back for it, in a group message the girls decided that the best course of action to make sure all the dresses where in the same dye lot was to have me order the dresses in one order and that they would all pay me back (the dresses where coming from China), I did remind her of the group message and her response was well I can’t pay you back right now wouldn’t discuss it further with me.
I am upset now that she has waited so long to say anything, becasue of the reason she can’t stand up at the alter with me, and since I could be out $500 between her portion of the rental house for the weekend (I won’t let the costs me transfered to the rest of the bridal party), her dress, and her hair and make up.
So my question is how do I approach this situation? I need to have a definate answer from her on whether or not she will be attending my wedding by the end of next week, but don’t know how to put it into words without it sounding kinda mean if you know what I mean. I was also thinking of just asking her to step down as the maid of honor if she can’t give me an answer before I need to remove her from the hair and make up contract so I can reoffer the option for hair and make up to the bridesmaid I ask to step up to maid of honor and I will just be removing her from the hair and make up contract at that point, I can change the numbers up to 90days in advance. This would give her time to figure out if she can make it or not. How do I reapproach the issue with the money for the dress?
Post # 2
misslioness : this is so tough, I’ve been the poor bridesmaid and always did everything I could to not show that to everyone. I do think you have no right to judge her for not saving properly because it is her money and you don’t know if she has credit card debt, loans bills, etc.
This person is your maid of honor so clearly she means/meant something to you or you wouldn’t have asked her, so my question is, would you be more upset to be out $500 for a dress (which yikes that’s pricey!) or if she wasn’t in your wedding. If I were in your position and any one of my bridesmaids dropped this bomb it would mean more to me to have them stand up with me vs. the cost of a dress so I would tell my Maid/Matron of Honor ‘I couldn’t imagine getting married without you. Let me pay for the dress, this will stay between you and I’ and if she is comfortable with that then end the conversation and enjoy your wedding with the person who matter so much so you asked her to be Maid/Matron of Honor to begin with
Post # 3
I would ask if she would be comfortable doing her own hair and makeup and offer to pay for the dress. I’m assuming since it is coming from China it’s probably not that expensive. She is also not obligated to pay for a section of a trip if she cannot afford it. It really sucks that she waited so long to tell you but I would rather pay for her stuff than I would not have my best friend stand up with me at my wedding.
Post # 4
winewithwedding : The $500 is for the dress, accomodations for 5 nights and for her hair and make up. I know she has no loans becasue her parents have paid for her whole college and she has no credit cards, we have discussed it on a couple of occasions and she decided that they weren’t for her. She has no expenses accept spending money since her parents pay for rent, food, and phone bill.
For her to come I would have to pay for her flight too which I can’t afford to pay for on top of everything else. She means a lot to me but I can’t afford to pay for her to come adn feel slighted since she seems to have made no effort or is willing to put in an effort to try and come.
I have a bridesmaid whos whole life blow up in her face and she is still making an effort to come to the wedding unlike my maid of honor.
Post # 5
misslioness : Did you discuss costs with her or did you just tell her what the cost was?
Are you requiring professional hair and make up? Because if you are then you should be meeting that cost, not your bridal party.
Did you choose the accommodation or can she stay elsewhere?
Post # 6
Why are there 5 days of accomodations? Why is she flying? Is this a destination wedding?
Post # 7
misslioness : “and she has no credit cards”
Um, what? What are you suggesting by this? That she should get a credit card and go into debt for your wedding?
Look bee, it’s understandable that this is upsetting. It does sound like costs have crept up with your wedding, and I’m also curious whether the hotel, hair and makeup etc. were pitched as compulsory. In any event, if this girl means so much to you that you asked her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor, you should sit her down, tell her how much it would mean to you for her to be there, and brainstorm together how that could happen.
I would really hesitate to get too caught up in the “but her parents pay for everything” narrative. Her financial position is her private business and it won’t help at all if you speculate.
Post # 8
Sounds like your bridal party is financing your destination wedding.
Post # 9
Your update makes you sound like a horrible friend!!
Post # 10
I don’t know why everyone is coming down so hard on you!
From your post, it seems that to me, she agreed to all these expenses beforehand which if she did has nothing to do with being a pushy bride or “the bridal party financing your destination wedding”.
IF she accepted all the costs and said they were reasonable and now she changed her mind, I would definitely be pissed! Regardless of the wedding costing her $100 or $1000, if she agreed to pay it, she can’t just do that.
Having said, I’m guessing she’s very important to you since she is the Maid/Matron of Honor. Honestly since you’re out the money already, I would cover the $500 and see if she can make the wedding that way
Post # 11
Does she have a job? It sounds like she’s still in school…if she isn’t working I’m perplexed as to how she was supposed to be saving anything in the first place…?
What is this 5 night stay for? The wedding itself? Or is this for your bachelorette party?
When it comes down to it, she simply can’t afford it. It sucks and unfortunately she didn’t tell you sooner but it is what it is. Short of paying for her there’s not really anything to be done.
Post # 12
misslioness : I dont think i realized it was a destination for her. that is a lot for you to have to dish out, i was thinking it was just dress. I dont think you’re a bad friend, i think you’re just having a hard time dealing with planning a wedding with a flighty friend. You’re frustrasted and upset so you need to just accept she cant be in the wedding and focus on everything else
Post # 13
misslioness : WHOA, 5 NIGHTS?!? this is a freaking vacation, not a wedding. and NO ONE is obligied to pay for an entire vacation to watch you get married.Darling Husband and I are pissed that we have to spend 3 nights on accommodations for a wedding out in LA because his idiot friend is getting married on a Monday. you are just way too demanding.
Post # 14
I think a lot hinges on how much of a financial commitment she was making was made clear to her when she agreed to be your Maid/Matron of Honor. If she said, sure, I’d love to fly out to wherever the wedding is, and stay for 5 nights and I will share the costs with the bridal party, and also I want my hair and makeup professionally done so please add me to the contract (if it was HER request to have this done, and not decreed by the bride to do so), then yes, I agree it sucks that she didn’t bother to save up for this and is now pulling out 3 months from the wedding.
But if it was never discussed with her what kind of budget she has or what was expected of her, I think the fault lays with you, OP.
Post # 15
Can you offer to split some of the costs with her? Or maybe say, “as a thank you for being my maid of honor, I’d like to cover the 5 night at the house for you. We can keep it between us”
When I was worried about one of my bridesmaids being to afford everything since she was doing missionary work, my Dad offered to pay for her flights. My friend accepted the offer and it was all good!
It’s a long list of expenses that your bridesmaids have to pay for, so I understand if she’s freaking out. Why don’t you see how you can help?