How to approach this situation

posted 3 months ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 16
5844 posts
Bee Keeper

I think she wasn’t right in being honest about not being able to be in your wedding.  but I think you’re asking too much from her to be in your wedding.

Post # 17
30 posts

“I know she has no loans becasue her parents have paid for her whole college and she has no credit cards, we have discussed it on a couple of occasions and she decided that they weren’t for her. She has no expenses accept spending money since her parents pay for rent, food, and phone bill.”   

This is not okay… Sorry Bee.  You do not get to dictate how she spends whatever money she has.  She sounds like she is not managing her money well and unfortunately, she doesn’t have the funds to spend on your big day.  She did wrong by committing herself to your wedding but she’s also communicating to you that she can’t afford to attend.  Give her the benefit of the doubt.  If she’s backing out now, her financial situation may be a lot worse than you know and she is probably very uncomfortable talking about it.  I’m so sorry you have to deal with this. 

Post # 18
258 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I’d recommend cutting out the cost of hair and makeup, that really isn’t a MUST. That right there should knock it down a little over $100, then maybe consider you paying for her dress part of her gift. Ultimately you have to decide how important she is to you. If you really want her there you have to be willing to budge a little. Also, if her parents pay for all her living expenses I’m assuming that means she doesn’t work… so she has no income…. so you had to have known that this might happen especially since it seems like this is a destination wedding.

Post # 19
4453 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

You don’t get to count her money or dictate how she spends it. She could decide that she wanted to blow her cash on drugs and gigolos rather than your wedding and you don’t get to say anything about it because it’s her money.

On the other hand- it’s sad that her parents are probably trying to help her out by paying her bills and what they may actually be doing is making it take longer for her to learn good money habits. Even if that is the case, you still don’t get to say anything about what she does with her money.

It sounds like it’s a pretty clear no for her to be your Maid/Matron of Honor and if your wedding is a destination event (taking 5 days of everyone’s time to attend) then it’s unlikely that she’ll be able to attend as a guest. Just send her a message and ask her what she’s thinking about things. If your focus is concern for her (rather than your feelings and opionions about her money management and the potential impact on you) then you can approach the discussion with some curiosity and openness and find out how realistic her attendance/participation is in anything.

Post # 20
718 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

Instead of being harsh on the OP why don’t you guys put yourselves in her shoes and stop assuming things?

This is a roast not a QA. 

Bee – don’t listen to those bees, they’re another breed entirely and some people have extremely STRONG jaded bridesmaid opinions. According to some people BM’s just show up and that’s it, asking anything beyond that is OTT.

My wedding party agreed to whatever I asked because I made this all optional for them- I even offered to pay for things if they couldn’t afford it, no one too me up on it however because they simply WANTED to do these things (I even let them pick their dresses). Whoever was happy to help I accepted their help, if they weren’t then tough shit I didn’t care.

If she agreed, and she was aware of the costs surely the two of you can work something out? But honestly I’d be more worried about how she’s supposedly that close to you but suddenly dropped out of her wedding because she obviously can’t control her spending habits. How important are you to her really?

If it were me I’d swallow the money, find another Maid/Matron of Honor and call that friendship finished. If she said yes and then couldn’t be bothered to make the effort, why did she even say yes in the first place?

Focus on this: you are marrying the man you love. In the grand scheme of things that weighs much more important than your dropout Maid/Matron of Honor. THAT is the important part, focus on that, let the $500 go. It’s already done and there’s nothing you can do.

She should pay you back for the dress if she agreed to, but I doubt you’ll ever see that money from your posts.

Post # 21
1191 posts
Bumble bee

misslioness :  So I’m assuming your Maid/Matron of Honor is graduating in May and will not have a job for at least a month?  But she had a “good paying” job before that and should have been able to save?  Geez, I know you’re disappointed but you’re being pretty judgy about your friend.  How much do you think a “good paying” job actually pays a college student?  I’m guessing right around minimum wage (at least that’s what I made when I was in college).  And $500 is a lot for a college student to spend on one wedding. Yikes!

For all you know, maybe her parents are kicking her out after graduation.  Maybe her parents are cutting the gravy train (I say that tongue in cheek as it was very generous of them to pay for her schooling).  You have no idea what goes behind closed doors.  Maybe she thought last November it wouldn’t be a problem.  What if her parents are in financial straights and she’s paying for more than you thought?  There’s a million scenarios that can answer why she hasn’t saved up for your wedding.  And it’s a destination at that?

She had the guts to tell you about her money problems and you’re judging her.  That’s not being a good friend.  I’m sure you look at her differently now (your post is proof of that).  

I don’t get these posts.

Post # 22
1191 posts
Bumble bee

ladyvk :  You have GOT to be kidding me! 

“How important are you to her really?”  <— Sorry, I don’t care if you’re Kate Middleton, as a bridesmaid it is not my obligation to “control my spending” so I can fund your destination wedding vision. $500 is a LOT of money for some people.  We don’t know from the OP if she discussed costs ahead of time.  It’s one thing to say yes to all the bride’s wants (and they are wants, not needs) and to have it sprung on you that it’s $500.

Sorry, you sound ridiculous.  Glad your bridesmaids will do whatever you want them to.

Post # 23
878 posts
Busy bee

Maybe she’s funneling money into savings or a house down payment or her retirement rather than blowing it on a party? Or maybe she doesn’t owe you an explanation. 

A good rule of thumb for weddings and life is to not force someone to pay a cost you can’t cover. You want 5 bridesmaids to wear $200 matching dresses? If you don’t have a spare $1000 to cover in case none of them want to spend the money, let them pick their own. Same for accommodations. 

Offering five days of fun for a wedding is kind of cool, EXPECTING it is nauseating and entitled.

Post # 24
819 posts
Busy bee

She agreed to the costs of being a Maid/Matron of Honor so this is completely the MOH’s fault. As the bride I would be annoyed & offended too. 

Post # 25
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

jessiebear85 :  She agreed to be Maid/Matron of Honor but seemed surprised at OP’s expectation that she pay for her own Maid/Matron of Honor dress. Now, I happen to think that’s a logical assumption (that Maid/Matron of Honor would pay for her own dress), but you’d think if the OP had been clear with the bridal party about their financial costs this confusion would have already been cleared up. Perhaps Maid/Matron of Honor was deliberately playing dumb but it’s also possible that costs were not disclosed to the bridal party prior to arrangements already being made.

Post # 26
1210 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2010

redmango :  The $500 is just for the sunk costs of her dress, hair and makeup (which could potentially be cancelled), and her portion of a 5 day accommdation. She still has to pay for a plane ticket on top of the $500 if she comes. I think OP has said she’s in Hawaii so that is not a cheap ticket.

Post # 27
1191 posts
Bumble bee

Tatum :  Oh, then it sounds like the Maid/Matron of Honor will be spending a LOT more than $500.  Ugh.

Post # 28
805 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2017

I don’t think she wants to be a Maid/Matron of Honor or attend this wedding.

First of all if I found out my so called best friend was discussing my money and how my parents spend theirs on a public forum I would exit out of both that wedding and friendship right away…

If everything you are saying is true though and she does have money… and shes saying she can’t afford it.. then I think the bottom line is your wedding is not what she wants to spend it on.


Sounds like there is a flight plus food frinks etc while there… adds up to a lot she shouldn’t have ever said yes in the first place… if all costs clearly got laid out.. 

Post # 29
876 posts
Busy bee

The kind of wedding you are having may be unreasonable to some, but then to others not at all.

The debate on what a bm should pay for or not pay for is not a easy one. Some are of the opinion that if the Bridesmaid or Best Man doesn’t choose the dress she’s not expected to pay, some think the Bridesmaid or Best Man shouldn’t pay at all.

I don’t think it’s going to do much good to second guess your wedding plans at this point. Sounds like plans are already set, and your Maid/Matron of Honor can’t afford it, and you can’t afford to cover her costs. I don’t see any other realistic option than her dropping out of the wedding party. If it’s not possible, then it’s not possible.

Maybe your friend really did expect you to offer to pay for her dress, maybe she got saddled with financial obligations during your engagement that prevented her from being able to save money like she had hoped.

everyone’s situation is different, to some your wedding may be considered unreaonable, but to others not at all.

Either way, your wedding is in 3 months, so doubtful you can change the wedding plans to be more workable for the would have been Maid/Matron of Honor. What’s done is done, no matter whose fault it may be. I would just do the best you can for your wedding, and to try to preserve the friendship.

Post # 30
3732 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

My attitude to this depends a lot on how she dropped the news. Was it more like ‘hey, can’t come to the wedding, forgot to save lol soz!’ or more like ‘I’m so sorry but I have realised that I have financially over-committed myself. I really wanted to believe I could make it, but looking at my finance now they simply can’t cover it.’ 

The first one is cavalier and insensitive and I would be taken aback. The second is a sad mistake and I would be seeing if there a way to make it work. 

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