(Closed) How to ask a bridesmaid to step down :( im torn

posted 6 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
Member
1832 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: January 2013

There is no simple answer, just tell her that you no longer want her as a bridesmaid for the following reasons you just gave, tell her its not that you don’t love and care for her, but that you have had enough of her lack of interest and that maybe its to much pressure on her, plus its a big expense that most likely she can not afford.

Ask her to perform another role at your wedding, like an usher, or give the prayer before dinner service?

Post # 4
Member
1071 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I think its a bit much to ask your bridesmaids to show up for multiple fittings.  IMO it is VERY rude to ask a bridesmaid to step down.  She hasn’t done anything wrong.

Post # 5
Member
7736 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: November 1999

Why should she go to your dress fittings? It’s nice if she does, but not essential. My feeling is that you only demote a Bridesmaid or Best Man if she refuses to do the essentials (i.e. get and wear the Bridesmaid or Best Man dress you choose), or for friendship-ending behaviour. If she repeatedly refuses to get fitted for her own dress, that’s different, but I don’t think you can demote her for not going to your dress fittings.

Post # 6
Member
7692 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I didn’t realize all the bridesmaids were supposed to go to the bride’s fittings. I sure didn’t go when I was a bridesmaid — I wasn’t asked, don’t know if any of the others were, and it never occurred to me to wonder about it. I don’t understand why that would be necessary. Their own fittings, sure, of course. But why do they have to go to the bride’s fittings? I’d give her a pass on this. Did your “notices” specifically say “please show up” or something like that? If they just said “I’ve got a fitting next week” she is probably wondering why the heck you’re telling her about it, with no inkling that you’re asking her to come.

Post # 7
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

When I was 19 improbably wouldn’t have wanted to go to a dress fitting, either :-/ 

In my opinion and experience, bridesmaids don’t have to prove anything or earn their spot before the wedding – the bride should choose people she loves to be with her next to her during the ceremony. If you’re using her interest in your dress fittings as a gauge for her support for your wedding, I suggest you speak with her first about how she feels about supporting you as a member of the wedding party.

Post # 8
Member
1828 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: December 2013

I don’t understand why she would be showing up for your dress fittings. Your wedding day is one of the most important days in YOUR life…everyone else may enjoy the day but they don’t have the same emotional investment as you do. To expect a 19 year old to be so involved as to come to a bride’s dress fittings is a little extreme…especially when it sounds like you only asked because she was family. She probably knows this as well.

Post # 9
Member
194 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

@paula1248:  +1

@Mrs.babycat:  +1

My sentiments exactly. You cannot expect someone to go to YOUR dress fittings. (Seriously, dress fittings are SOOOOOOO boring!) Honestly, they aren’t a big deal to anyone but you, except maybe the mothers. It is terribly rude to ask a Bridesmaid or Best Man to step down, and asking them to step down for the reasons you’ve given seems very petty and immature. The only thing she really needs to do is get a dress and show up for the wedding. That is ALL she and your other BMs should be expected to do. Do not expect them to throw you parties, to help you DIY stuff, to do anything except get the dress and show up for the wedding. It is NICE if they do this stuff with you, but just because they DON’T doesn’t mean they don’t love you or that they don’t care about your wedding.

If you’re HONESTLY not wanting her to be a bridesmaid because she didn’t go to your dress fittings and didn’t respond to your texts well… I feel sorry for HER. You are being extremely selfish, petty, and bratty.

Post # 10
Member
449 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

@MissMissy:  um…I didn’t think it was customary for the BMs to show up to dress fittings for the Bride…their own dress fittings, yes…but not MINE…the only people I would expect to come with me (maybe) would be my mom, grandma, and possibly Maid/Matron of Honor…I think you may be asking a little too much of her…you have to remember that although your wedding is important to them, they still have other things in life that they consider more important…there’s nothing wrong with that 🙂

Post # 11
Member
506 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MissMissy:  have you expressed to her what you expect from a BM? I would never expect my Bridesmaid or Best Man to come to my dress fittings so she may think its optional. I don’t think what she is doing warrants kicking her out,but it is your wedding so to answer your question. Be upfront with her and say that you think she would be better suited as a different role in your wedding.

Post # 12
Member
3686 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

You want her to make time in her schedule to watch you try on your dress? Why on earth would she need to be present for that? What exactly did you expect she would do at your dress fitting?

Post # 13
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

I think you expecting a bridesmaid to go to your dress fitting is too much.  

Post # 14
Member
1318 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

My grandmother and one of my bridesmaids went to my fittings. It’s way too complicated with tons of people in the alterations area. She only went because I needed someone to learn to bustle my dress. Only one of my other bridesmaids went when I picked out the dress. You only want people super close to you there for that special moment. It is really early to consider asking her to step down and as family, you are in a very hard position to do so even if you were justified. 

Post # 15
Member
533 posts
Busy bee

You are asking too her too much. Asking her to step down over not going to your dress fittings comes across as crazy.

Post # 16
Member
2335 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2018

Why does she need to go to your dress fittings?

My mom is going with me. I’ve invited my best friend/MOH because she *asked* to go. But she’s a student, and if she can’t make it, it’s not a big deal. None of my other bridesmaids are coming.

I think you’re overreacting a bit and expecting a bit much.

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