(Closed) How to ask a Bridesmaid to Step Down

posted 8 years ago in Bridesmaids
  • poll: Would you ask her to step down?
    yes : (67 votes)
    77 %
    no : (20 votes)
    23 %
  • Post # 3
    Member
    5977 posts
    Bee Keeper

    So, when you ask a bridesmaid to step down, you should be prepared to end the friendship as well. It sounds like you’re ok with doing that. I would just be honest with her. Let her know that you can’t keep going with a friend where you’re giving 110% and she’s giving zero. A relationship and friendship is supposed to be a two way street. When you’re doing all the work to keep the friendship going, it’s not really a friendship any longer.

    Good luck and hope things go well.

    Post # 4
    Member
    542 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    this same exact thing is happening to me

    i was prepared to do it today, but feel like i’m going to chicken out!

    i voted yes, since i think ultimately it’s the right thing to do

    pls let us know what happens when you finally decide

    Post # 6
    Member
    5977 posts
    Bee Keeper

    @schnellexo: Yeah, then it sounds like the friendship is totally done and you wouldn’t even be inviting her to the wedding. As long as you haven’t made them get bridesmaid dresses yet or are offering to compensate her if she has, then just tell her that your friendship has run its course and you’re sorry she can’t make time for you anymore.

    Post # 7
    Member
    6661 posts
    Bee Keeper
    • Wedding: May 2010

    While BM’s don’t actually have to run around with you planning your wedding, I understand from what you’re saying that she isn’t showing any support as a Bridesmaid or Best Man or a friend which has been going on for a while. I had a Bridesmaid or Best Man sort of act this way, she never offered to help or respond to my emails/calls etc. I actually almost called her mom to see if she was still alive at one point! She literally resurfaced about an hour before I was going to make the call. But the difference is when I DID talk to her or see her, she acted totally supportive. She just wasn’t into the whole wedding planning thing. So I kept her as a Bridesmaid or Best Man. But I can understand you cutting this one off since she’s not even supportive when you do see her.

    Just tell her that you understand from her actions that she is really busy and not able to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man. Don’t try to make her feel bad, instead try to make her feel good about giving up the responsibility. Just say that you were probably hasty when you asked her to be a Bridesmaid or Best Man and not considering her feelings about marriage or busy lifestyle. And you would be so happy and honored to have her as a guest.

    Post # 9
    Member
    2288 posts
    Buzzing bee
    • Wedding: November 2010

    From what you’ve written here, I have two perspectives to offer. First, I don’t think you necessarily need to ask her to step down. She’s more or less removed herself. If she ever gets back to you or answers your calls, then I’d say have the conversation.

    Second, is there something going on in HER life that’s preventing her from participating? There may be something going on that you’re not aware of and perhaps she needs your help or support.

    Post # 10
    Member
    464 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: June 2011

    I would ask her to step down because it isn’t just about not being there for you as a Bridesmaid or Best Man, she isn’t a good friend either. I recently asked a bridesmaid to step down and she was actually glad to have the opportunity to get out of it. Our friendship stayed fine for a while and I tried really hard to get close again but after having already drifted for so many months I guess drifting more was inevitable and now she doesn’t return my calls/texts and I haven’t seen her in awhile. It sucks losing a friend, but I think in this situation it’s best for you to ask her to step down and save yourself the stress of trying to make sure she’s happy and present on your day. You don’t need that on your plate and I can tell you from my experience that I feel 100X better after dealing with the situation.

    Good luck!

    Post # 11
    Member
    5822 posts
    Bee Keeper

    If she’s that flakey and you are ending the friendship, then just leave a voicemail.  “Hey, don’t know when you’ll come out of your pot-induced haze to get this, but I decided I don’t want you to be in the wedding party because you’re too flakey.  You can call me about it if you want, but I’m not really expecting an answer.” CLICK.

    Post # 13
    Member
    542 posts
    Busy bee
    • Wedding: July 2011

    @schnellexo: only difference b/w your story and mine is replace getting high with “abusive boyfriend”

    best of luck to you and keep us updated

    Post # 14
    Member
    463 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: May 2010

     I agree with MissHelen, that you should probably talk to her and check that there isn’t something happening in her life that your not aware of.  If there happens to be nothing, then you truely know that she is a flaky friend with no excuse.

    If you decide to ask her to step down and end the friendship, i think you should at least do it face to face. I hate it when people cut ties and never actually confront the other person.

    Post # 15
    Member
    8 posts
    Newbee

    First of all, I’m not sure why you would think your friend was high and allow people to accuse her of being a pot head when she has only been high like once in her life. Maybe you should mention the fact that she was uncomfortable hanging around you and your fiance because he was getting high at every possible event. Maybe you should be concerned with his pot smoking…but I guess you wouldn’t want to upset your meal ticket.  

    And the other bridesmaids that were involved were all too stuck up to even know what was going on with her. I mean seriously, they never even called after she left school until they wanted something. For example, emailing her to help host a bridal shower for someone who she has never even had a 1 on 1 meal with.  Maybe it was an awkward position when the girls you were hanging out with constantly kept hitting on her boyfriend and you really didn’t stand up for her- even after she confided in you about it. Maybe she felt like you didn’t really care about anything that she was going through- for example, her job at a start up that was extremely difficult and she had to work 12 hours per day doing not just one job there, but 3. Not all of us get to work from home and have a cozy job that our daddy secured for us. She probably even specifically remembers telling you she is sorry that she is just going through a lot in her personal life. And to blame it on her being high or some BS is completely messed up since you knew exactly what was going on.

    Maybe she was upset about the day she planned a lingerie event for you and you insisted on having it at your house. Then, you didn’t even show up in time to let her and the lingerie lady inside. You were late to your own party because you decided it was a good time to go grocery shopping, and didn’t even apologize for the rudeness. And then to let her spend $300+ on your bridal shower and then not even say thanks at the end of the day, but gave the co-host 100% of the credit. Very typical.

    Let’s not even mention how you “asked” her to be your bridesmaid. 80% of what you say isn’t even what your thinking, so she wasn’t sure if you were just BSing so we could get free stuff when you said to the lady “She is a bridesmaid, she just doesn’t know it yet!” She didn’t think she was really invited to be a bridesmaid. So, there would be no reason to ask her to step down.

    Glad to know what you really feel now though. Glad I got to find it on a website…maybe next time you want to post snarky stuff about someone, you should make a more anonymous name. Thanks for inviting me to lunch a couple of weeks ago. Glad it was real fake. At least I just  don’t do things when I don’t want to instead of faking nice. 

    Post # 16
    Member
    389 posts
    Helper bee
    • Wedding: September 2012

    WHAT?Surprised

    ETA-getting popcorn now…

    The topic ‘How to ask a Bridesmaid to Step Down’ is closed to new replies.

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