(Closed) how to ask/tell bride can’t afford everything, & dry/no dancing wedding

posted 7 years ago in Bridesmaids
Post # 3
2442 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2011

1.  Honesty is the best policy.  Tell her you just can’t afford more shoes.  Send her pics of the nude shoes you already have.  The ball will be in her court from there.

2.  It is my understanding that people participate or “stand up” in a friend’s wedding to show their support for their friend’s marriage.  Not to get a meal. Not to get a party. Getting a meal, gifts, etc. are not payment for standng up. They are simply thank you gifts, that are not required. IMO, no one should be in someone’s wedding for the “perks”.  If that is the reason someone is in a friend’s wedding, they should graciously decline the offer.  

Post # 4
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

I’d tell her that you can’t afford it.



@2ndtime:  I think the point is that she’s asking for a bunch of money to be spent, and she’s not taking ‘care’ of the bridal party or guests much at all. I see it as a proportions thing.

And that is weird. Brides should take care of their friends, imo!

Post # 7
804 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

I would take a picture of them, or a picture of them with the dress if you have it yet.

I would also ask her if you could do your own makeup because money is tight; it’s my understanding that it’s polite to pay for your bridesmaids’ makeup and hair if you absolutely need them to have those done professionally, but I wouldn’t bring that up to her.  Just ask if you can do your own makeup because you can’t really afford it.

The dry wedding part without a real meal doesn’t really enter into the equation.  Whether she was buying you a meal and drinks as a wedding guest or not, you wouldn’t be able to afford this.  I do understand why you added it, but I think it’s not really relevant.  You’re not being a bad bridesmaid by simply asking if you can do more affordable things; the worst she’s going to say is “No, if you can’t afford it than don’t be in my bridal party.”  Which would suck but if that’s her attitude about it, do you really want to be in her wedding party?

Post # 8
635 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

Honestly, if I’m asking my bridal party to buy $220 long dress, get their hair done, get their makeup done, dictate $75 shoes, etc., well, this had better be a pretty formal affair. A cake and punch reception is not formal. There’s nothing wrong with it at all, but the rest of it is over the top. Simple weddings are perfectly fine, but then it ALL has to be simple. It’s just not fair to the BMs to go all out otherwise.

Even for a very formal wedding, the Bridesmaid or Best Man should only be required to buy a dress in her budget. If the bride wants particular shoes, or wants professional hair and makeup, then its on the bride to buy those things.

Post # 9
9053 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2010

1. I would just explain to her that you’re having trouble financially paying for everything and like you suggested say you have nude heels to wear already.  To my mind, if a bride requires makeup (or really even hair) to be done professionally, she should pay for it, but I know others have other thoughts on that.

2.  I can see there being some issue with the formality of the event being out of sync with what you’re expected to pay for.  Kind of like she’s happy to go all out when it’s on someone else’s dime?  I do have to say that I traveled to Hawaii for a Destination Wedding just recently and the bride advised it was just going to be the ceremony and cake and punch afterwards, and I definitely felt that was a long way and a lot of trouble for just that… so some guests very well might feel the same.

Post # 10
88 posts
Worker bee

Be honest about your financial situation. Even if you did have the money i dont think its necessary to get your make up done. And i think of yor dresses are LONG i dont think the shoes have be identical. If they were short it would be more important but isnt the case! Honesty is the best policy!

Post # 11
1773 posts
Buzzing bee

@SapphireSun: ”   Kind of like she’s happy to go all out when it’s on someone else’s dime? “

That’s exactly my thought. =/

Post # 12
1375 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

Shoes and makeup should be a non-issue.  I think if she is asking you to get your hair done she should also foot the bill, or let you opt out.  If she makes a big deal out of it, she is not that good a friend.  Regardless of your financial situation, things like that are not necessary for bridesmaids.

Post # 13
2849 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I agree that you should say something to her. She is assuming you have money to spend on her wedding, which isn’t fair to do. Just explain that you’re not working and money is tight.

Post # 14
611 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2012

1. Definitely talk to her about the shoes–send her photos of your three styles, and tell her she can choose. The option of you buying the pair she specifies is absolutely not on the table. Insisting you buy a specific pair to wear under a floor-length dress is preposterous.

2. You’re also totally justified in telling her you cannot afford professional hair and makeup; to demand that of your bridesmaids without paying for it is incredibly rude. I agree with the PP who said it sounds like this woman, while budget-conscious for herself, is perfectly happy to run wild spending other people’s money… it’s obnoxious and selfish and it reflects poorly on her.

3. While I don’t see how she could give you girls a meal at the reception if none of her other guests are getting one, I d*mn well think she should feed you during the day-of prep that you will be involved in. There are a lot of things that aren’t “required” but are nonetheless gestures of gratitude and appreciation, and providing a meal for people who have gone out of their way, and considerably out-of-pocket, to be a part of our weddings is the absolute LEAST we brides can do. I have no issue at all with informal, light-refreshment wedding receptions, but for the amount of effort and expense that the OP is going to in order to be a bridesmaid, which I’m assuming will include giving up her full day in advance of the actual wedding in order to help the bride prepare, it would be rude for the bride not to give her a meal as part of her thanks.

Post # 15
424 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

This is so wrong, but I would put on the dress, put on my nude heels and then send her a pic asking if the shoes were ok.  She’ll probably reply she can’t see the shoes.  To which I would respond, “That’s kind of my point.”

I would also tell her that unless she is paying for hair and make up, you can’t afford to get it done and won’t be partaking.  Don’t make it a discussion, just make it a fact.

If you’re lucky, she’ll be a bride who can see the light if you confront her (nicely), but you never know with some brides.

Good luck

Post # 16
4352 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: August 2013

I agree with all PP, pics will help her visualize the look. Maybe she can find shoes that are similar to the ones you own for the other BMs?

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