Post # 1
So I have a friend who keeps running to me for advice about a guy, and I’m running out of things to say. I’m wondering what your thoughts are, and if anyone can help me out. Here’s a summary of it all.
So she met this guy a couple months ago. Things went pretty fast and they were “official” in like a week or two of the first date. He was really nice and good to her at the start. Then he started to get flakey and he wanted to hang out less and less, showing up super late then getting mad at her if she was upset that he wasn’t doing what he said he would. It all came to a head a couple weeks ago, she found an online dating profile and that he’d been lying to her about some other things. He apologizes, they decide to take things slower. Thing is though, a couple weeks later and he’s still being shady! “forgetting” to call/ hang out when they agree on it, being kinda mean half the time they do hang out. He’ll always apologize and will be nice for a few days, just to be a jerk again. (she always fills me in when things aren’t going well, ugh). I was talking to her today while he was 3 hours late for V-day, no gifts for her, no plans, asking if she still wanted to do anything???
I feel bad because she’s head over heels for this guy, but I don’t know what to tell her. I’ve met him a couple times and I get a bad vibe from him. Honestly I wonder if he’s even dating her exclusively (which they have agreed to do). DH treated me ridiculously well when we were dating, so its hard for me to like guys who treat my friends poorly. When she asks me for advice though, she gets upset/ doesn’t listen if I raise any of my concerns. She just wants to make it work for some reason. So… what kind of things should I do/ say? Just continue to be supportive and listen even though I think they should break up?
Post # 3
You need to state your concerns firmly and clearly, making sure she is really listening. Perhaps take her to dinner when things aren’t so bad with him and give a letter for her to read. The written word can make more of an impact and she can’t tune you out.
Once you have done this, you can’t harp on. If she decides to stay with this drop kick then you have no real choice but to stay quite and supportive otherwise you will loose her as a friend. Even if she does eventually realise that she’s better off without him it will be hard to go back to you because there will be the “I told you so” hanging over her head. I lost a friend this way.
If you say nothing then risk the situation of many years later, her turning around and saying “why didn’t you tell me he was no good? I wasted my time”.
Say it once, loud and clear and then just be supporitive. I know that this is a really, really tought situation to be in. *hugs*
Post # 4
Do you and I have the same friend?
Anyways, after 18 long months I had to draw the line and tell my friend (just this evening) that unfortunately at this point, I’ve said all I can say, and I cannot talk to her about the situation anymore. She knows what she needs to do or what she should do, and continues to not do it. He, like your friend’s boyfriend, had us tricked (I say “us” because he was my friend from work before they met) into thinking he was a nice guy and then he flipped the switch. Luckily I was able to get out of that situation (much easier to do when you’re not emotionally attached, and have a dominant personality), but she was not. I’ve given her advice time and time again, listened to her pitifully gripe about her situation, and I had to tell her this evening enough was enough.
In these situations you can be there for her, but that doesn’t mean that you have to support her decisions, or even talk to her about her situation. In the end, she is the only one who can make the decision for herself. My besty knows that I love her and want her to be happy, but she also knows that I do not condone any contact with him on any level. The straw that broke the camel’s back happened yesterday when I deleted and blocked this guy on my Facebook without so much as a warning after months of no contact, and had text messages in my phone from him within the hour cursing me out. Sadly, the only way he would have known or have any reason to say anything to me is if my friend had been telling him what I told her what I think she should do, instead of taking our conversations as advice, and acting on what she thought was best for her.
If you choose to not be apart of that part of her life like I did, let her know how you feel, give her your advice, and let it go. Sadly, that’s all you can do.