How to be adult when my 2nd husband is invited to my daughter's wedding?

posted 2 years ago in Guests
Post # 2
Member
5456 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: July 2018

You just need to get over it, to be blunt. This is your daughter’s day and she wants people around her who have been an important part of her life. You brought this man into her life, the least you can do is be gracious on her day.  Whether he was bringing a plus one or not is no reason for you to act any differently, you don’t have to spend time with him but don’t bring any negativity to the day or around your daughter.

I also think it’s pretty sad that you wouldnt put your own relationship baggage aside and would decline to attend if your step son was inviting you to his wedding.

Post # 3
Member
7796 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

He was her stepfather for 12 years. How do you deal with it? You just deal with it, for her, because you want her to be happy on this important day. 

Post # 4
Member
15291 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m not sure I understand the question.  How to be an adult?  You’re an adult, act like one.  Be courteous, don’t create a scene or make a big deal out of it, and let the day be about your daugher.  Surely you can be in the vicinity of the man for a few hours and be courteous? You don’t have to be friendly or even go talk to him, just give him a nod and move on.

Post # 5
Member
1470 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2019

You deal with it by choosing to put your daughter’s happiness over your baggage. You chose to bring him into her life.

Post # 6
Member
2667 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

View original reply
ells :  if you can get your daughters blessing on this I say just show up looking amazing, bring a sassy friend that never liked him as your plus 1 and drink lots of wine, focus on your daughter and just try to have an awesome time.

Post # 7
Member
3056 posts
Sugar bee

View original reply
ells :  I am sure you are looking for more helpful than this and i promise i dont mean to come off rude but… 

You just do. 

You politely say hi (feel it out if this is more of a “smile and nod hello from afar” or “exhange a handshake or hug” type of deal. 

You dont need to sit next to him. You dont need to make small talk. You dont need to run out of the room if he is nearby. You dont make faces or comments when he is nearby.

If he tries to talk to you, you will have a million things to do and people to see as mother of the bride and you can politely excuse yourself. 

I have a ton of respect for my parents who did this for our benefit on multiple occassions. My wedding was last year and I had my dad, my mom, my step dad (who had never before met my father because they live overseas), my dads old girlfriend and her husband (i am still very close with her family). 

Despite all the drama on my day, none of these people had anything to do with it because they are adults. 

Post # 8
Member
13754 posts
Honey Beekeeper

You don’t have to like him or the fact that he’s there. You do have to be civil. Anything else is just a poor reflection on you. 

After two divorces and the death of your daughter’s father, my guess is you’ve been through much worse. You should be able to put a few hours into perspective. The focus will be on your daughter and you’ll have plenty of other guests and distractions. You’ll live.

Post # 9
Member
1189 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2010

View original reply
ells :  i invited my ex-step dad to my wedding. He was my step dad when I was ages 5-13, and I never hardly spoke to him before my wedding (he is also my little brothers dad, so I’d see him at my brother’s events). He was very touched to be invited and we’ve mantained a relationship since then, he’s met my kids and we do Xmas cards. 

My mom never told me if she was uncomfortable w any of it, he is a good man it just didn’t work out between them and I think she’s happy I have him in my life still (I cut my real dad off when I was a teenager).

Post # 10
Member
1165 posts
Bumble bee

This day is about your daughter—not you or your ex, or your messy divorce. Be polite. If he was abusive (hence the reason for divorce) I’m not sure why you or your daughter even entertained the thought of inviting him. In that case, simply avoid him. 

Post # 11
Member
104 posts
Blushing bee

How do you deal with it???  Remember it’s your daughter’s special day and she’s entitled to have the people “she” loves there.  My advice to you is put your feelings aside for your daughter.  It’s only one day, her day.  Be an adult about it and suck it up.

Post # 12
Member
884 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

My ex is a terrible person who lied, cheated, and gaslighted me for 7 years. If he died tomorrow I would breathe a sigh of relief, despite it being a loss for our daughter. I have wished many times for him to die a fiery death in a car accident. (Dramatic I know, but Im sure you can relate) I would never hurt him… but an accident would be fine by me!

But, we have a 9.5 year old together so i have to see him ALL THE TIME. First day of school every year, conferences, sports, drop offs, etc etc etc. I also have to see his fake ass wife who is a lovely person to my daughter but doesnt know her place and tries to pretend we are “best friends….ugh. I wish wish wish I could never have to see either of them again… but I cant

So, I smile, say hello. Im friendly enough, but limit our small talk. In short, I keep it civil so my daughter never has to deal with our baggage- becuase it has nothing to do with her.

I know its hard, trust me I know, but its what you have to do. Smile and be polite and let it go.

Post # 13
Member
1948 posts
Buzzing bee

Well, I can speak to the other side, where my father had a really hard time being at events my mother was at. Had a hard time as in, acted like an idiot or refused to come at all. He didn’t go to his own son’s wedding wedding because of it. And I can tell you that every single person who was at that wedding thought less of him for it. 

Post # 14
Member
3044 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

You just do. If you’re old enough to have a daughter who is getting married, you have decades of experience being polite – at least I’d assume so.

You don’t have to cuddle up and be his BFF for the evening, but say hi when you come across him and if he engages you in casual conversation, politely oblige for a bit and then find an excuse to remove yourself if you begin to feel uncomfortable. 

The biggest thing, of course, is to keep in mind that this day is abour your daughter and her soon to be spouse, so behave accordingly. Keep any conversation you have with him and/or his guest either very casual small talk (oh how old are your kids now? What school are they in? Did you hear about so-and-so’s daughter getting into med school?) or focused on the wedding itself (It’s a beautiful venue, isn’t it? Have you met [daughers partner] before? He’s wonderful!)

Post # 15
Member
2068 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

No one is telling you to stop feeling the way you feel towards your ex.  We are saying for you to put those feelings aside for a few hours and act civil towards a guest at your daughter’s wedding.  You probably won’t have more than a few minutes contact with him the entire time.  I think you should be able to handle that.

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