- 8 years ago
- Wedding: June 2012
I’m 31 and the last of most of my friends to get married. I was there watching it all happen around me, feeling annoyed with the shenanigans, and frustrated with my own relationships. Later I concluded that being married or single didn’t matter and just focused on other things for a while. Then I met my now fiance randomly playing in a band, and three years later we got engaged!
Neither of us wanted to have a wedding, just a small civil service. Our families kind of insisted that we did a big wedding, so we’ve been trying to roll with it and have fun. One of the reasons I did not want a wedding was because I knew it I would get sucked into it, and I might become annoying about it. I didn’t want to alienate any friends. If i need to vent about the wedding, i find a married friend to talk to.
There is a girl I am close to, but not one that i’ve known long, maybe about a year. We’ve both been in multi-year cohabitation relationships, both have health problems, both are interested in many of the same things. We’ve leaned on each other during some hard times, often when no one else understands.
She really wants her guy to propose and have a big white wedding. She even picked out her dress 4 years ago! He has bad anxiety that makes the idea of standing up in front of tons of people terrifying so he doesn’t want a wedding. I can relate to her boyfriend more than her, because I have bad anxiety too and never wanted a wedding, yet I’m having one. I still empathize with her desire for a wedding though, and I hope she does get to do it someday. I’m afraid she thinks this is unfair, but what can I do? I want her to know that weddings don’t define you as a person, but she’ll just think “easy for you to say.”
We’ve always been buds since day one, calling and texting daily. (She lives 45 minutes away from me.) Now I can’t get her to respond to my texts, calls, emails. She’s become gradually harder to get together with. I’m torn up inside because I’m worried she sees me the way I saw my wedding obsessed friends in my 20s, and I’ve tried so hard not to be like that.
Recently I sent out an email to my aunts, my mom, another friend, and her asking (begging!) for help with the dress finding mission. I’m not good at being girly and I was really frustrated with the shopping process. I haven’t really heard from her since that email. I’m worried I annoyed her. I think sometimes I’m overly critical of the wedding process, when she loves it. I try to keep my opinions to myself as much as possible but maybe I fucked up somehow.
I always wondered why people in couples were only friends with other couples. I thought it was discrimination against singles. Now I see that the singles can be just as much to blame by alienating themselves even when couples WANT to be friends. I don’t care if anyone gives a crap about my wedding. I want to maintain the friendship, still talk about and do things totally unrelated to the wedding. Why is this so all-consumming?
How can I avoid perpetuating the bullshit stereotype that if you’re not married then you’ve failed? How can I prevent jealousy? I’ve done everything I can to downplay this wedding to her or not mention it at all. I even explained to her that I’m not having any bridesmaids, so she doesn’t think I left her out. Sigh. I miss her and I hate that a happy time in my life is causing so much trouble.