(Closed) How to be married without being a stereotype?

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
6 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: August 2012

Hey there,

I think it sounds like you’ve done everything humanly possible to be low key about your wedding. It’s unfortunate that despite all those efforts, your friend is still being difficult.

I never wanted a big wedding, so (whew!) we’re having a small one, but as I’ve discovered even a small one can make people who desperately want to be engaged/married feel bad. There’s nothing you can do to stop others feeling bad about their own lives short of stopping progress in your own life — and that’s both impossible and undesirable.

Can you take her aside and have it out straight with her? “Hey, I’ve been trying to be low key. Please don’t project your dissatisfaction with your own situation on me, and look it at from my perspective, I’m nervous about dresses and terrified about XYZ, your time will come, in the meantime, can you be there for me?” When you say you “want her to know that weddings don’t define you as a person” I think that is the key message to get across. These are events often shaped by the two families as much as anything else! What defines you as a person is how you live your life once the rice has been thrown and thank you cards have gone out.

If you can’t sit with her and have it out, I am not sure what you can do other than give her a little time and space. If she is willing to continue to hold resentment for you simply living your life normally, eventually you have to call into question her integrity in your friendship.

Good luck!

 

Post # 4
Member
3692 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: December 2011

Don’t know what you can do.  One of my single friends hasn’t spoken to me since I got married.  

Unfortunately, she has unhealthy views on marriage, like that it fixes everything wrong in your life, and that everything would be ok if she had a family of her own.  I fear that since she couldn’t even manage to congratulate me, she’s angry that I got married when she’s single.

Post # 5
Member
2126 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

@thebetafemale:  Tell me about it…all of my bridesmaids are 30 and not in a relationship. They all stay things like “dang your the only one of us who has it together” etc, etc. I don’t want them to thing I’ve accomplished something so great, just by getting married. I actually don’t think marriage is this great achievement that women tend to make it out to be. It’s great if it makes you happy obviously…and it warrants a celebration, but I don’t think I deserve to be on some pedestal, some new high social standing or some crap. So, I just tell themt hat…this is just the way my life went..everyone’s relationship has a different dynamic. Me and my Fiance have known eachother for 10 years…we’ve been engaged for two…..you think I haven’t seen tons of couples get engaged and married over the years? heck yeah I have….I know people who were single when I got engaged and got married before me. I tell my GF’s that they can’t predict the future..they should be happy with their accomplishments in educlation, work, etc..and that 30 is young….and if marriage is what they covet..then it’s time to stop wasting time with the dirt bags….honestly. =)

Post # 6
Member
1448 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2013

Honestly, when you get married your life changes quite a bit, and some of the stereotypes are true (it doesn’t make it a bad thing!).

I’ve had friends stop talking to me once they got married before, so it can be either side.  On the other hand I’ve seen some couples have many single friends as well.

I don’t think you can really prevent jealous feelings in someone else.  You can’t control other people’s reactions.  Your friend might actually feel bad or left out when you don’t share details with her.  If it bothers you so much you can bring it up with her and see if she would be open to hearing about your wedding details or not.

After you get married, make a point to have a girls’ night every now and then.  It will be good for you, your marriage, and your girlfriends.

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