(Closed) How to become more patient with FI?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
899 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

Well,we are the other way around. I’m like your Fiance and you are like my Fiance. Really, just like as soon as you realize and apologize is a lot. A lot of times I run late to things, because I’m off in my own world doing something else, I don’t realize the time. It’s not something done on purpose. I *try* to be mindful because SO likes being early/on-times but sometimes it doesn’t happen. 

And I think the key is apologizing for snapping, not being mad, because we know we’re being late and wrong, so you don’t need to be sory for how you feel.

Post # 3
Member
75 posts
Worker bee

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sosojamie:  One idea would be to identify the triggers/situations where you snap and then kinda mentally prepare yourselves for them. For example, I know that early morning before work is a good time to be extra patient with my husband because he’s not a morning person. Similarly, he knows that if I’m really hungry, I might snap at him, so he is extra patient with me then (or gets me a sandwich!). Kinda sounds like we’re toddlers (lol), but it works for us most of the time.

If that doesn’t work though, then maybe just work on identifying that you’ve snapped, taking a moment to breathe and calm down, and giving a sincere apology. That goes a long way I think!

Post # 4
Member
257 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

Girl I can relate.

I have learned thought to take a second and breathe before reacting. It has saved a lot of fights from breaking out. 

He annoys me, I annoy him. But we love each other bunches!

Post # 5
Member
5890 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: October 2010

Expectations. They will always cause snappishness. Change your expectations. 

My DH is a really, really, really slow eater. Like I’m done and he’s not even 1/3 of the way through. So I’ve learned how to bite my tongue and just sit there while he takes FOREVER to finish eating. (and don’t get me starte about when Father-In-Law joins us–neither of them will talk. So imagine a really long dinner in SILENCE.) Drive me insane. But I’ve changed my expectation. I know it will take forever, so I just accept it.

What is more important to you, getting there on time and letting your DH know how it displeases you to get there late OR the goodwill and love of your FI?

Post # 6
Member
322 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2015

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sosojamie:  I can relate. when we were dating DH was always late for things and I’m kinda anal about that.

what helped me was thinking through it – is it going to really be a disaster if we arrive late? Is it worth ruining half the night by snapping at him? What will be accomplished by me snapping at him?

Post # 7
Member
1361 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

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sosojamie:  Ugh I’m the same way and I’m really trying to stop lately, it’s hard though. I know what you’re saying. You’re SOOOO annoyed, but then you feel like a bitch for being mean.

I’m pretty sure I have “Misophonia” which is a phobia of louding eating sounds and breathing. I know EVERYONE and their mother says they have this but I swear I do and its bad. I can hear breathing out of people’s noses, every single sound when they eat and it drives me bonkers. Couple this with the fact that I’m 90% sure FH has a deviated septum +allergies. I can hear every breath, chew, sniffle etc.

Sometimes I honestly can’t take it, and I have like dagger eyes, and the poor guy goes “am I breathing wrong again??”

 

NO BUT YES…..

 

I’m trying to work on my rage lol. 

Post # 8
Member
32 posts
Newbee

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sosojamie:  Sometimes we snap at people we love because we are feeling frustrated and they can be easy targets. I think you should start paying attention to those times you are feeling irritated and see if there is a pattern. Recognize the signs and be aware of your mood. It could also be something you talk to your Fiance about. When I am feeling irritable, I sometimes say to my Fiance “I’m feeling irritable today and I don’t know why”. He will start asking me questions to ‘solve’ this problem with me. He’ll ask if something happened, what I’m feeling stressed about most, if I recently talked to someone that rubbed me the wrong way. It can even be from doing a difficult task earlier and I’m still wound up from it. By talking it out with Fiance, I am able to find out what’s bothering me. “I am irritable because I haven’t slept well last night”. Then we will find solutions together. Maybe that night he gives me a back rub 🙂

I think it takes practice to catch ourselves lashing out at those we love. We don’t mean to do it, but we are only making it worse by not confronting it. Hope that helps! 

Post # 9
Member
1027 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I get this. Started birth control recently and have a wedding soon. He is SLOW at hints and lists ( I need help). It is frustrating. :/

Post # 10
Member
66 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

Leaving the house “on time” used to be one of our biggest issues.  We reduced frustration by agreeing on the time to leave the house rather than the time to get somewhere.  For example, if we’re going to an event at 10 we’ll decide if that means we leave at 9:15 or 9:30.  DH almost always thinks the later but by compromising upfront we have less stress in the moment.

Post # 11
Member
28 posts
Newbee

Im sure you should learn to accept things you cant control. Why waste your nerves on things you cant change? it’s like being furious that it’s raining outside. 

Post # 12
Member
514 posts
Busy bee

Totally relate, my Fiance is always late, our first Christmas together (we weren’t living together at the time) he was 3 hours late to xmas dinner round his fathers, I was on time…awkward. His phone was on silent and he got ‘caught up’ watching discovery channel. He does this all the time (apart from with work, which I suppose is a good sign!) 

I think being late is just rude and unecassary (without good reason) but he is very laid back, I am trying to snap less by taking long breaths and sitting in the bathroom while he is spending 20 minutes faffing in the bedroom making sure he has his keys! 

Post # 13
Member
4 posts
Wannabee
  • Wedding: October 2015

What helps me be most patient with my Fiance is just remembering that we are on the same team- that it’s not me against him, or even me trying to change him, but us working together in life. Even though that doesn’t change the fact that he’s running late or messes up, it reminds me that his intentions towards me are good and it keeps positivity in our relationship by pulling us together rather than letting our negative traits pull the two of us apart. 🙂 

Post # 14
Member
620 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

Are we twins?!  Oh man.  Well I’m right –>there<— with you!  I have to make a conscious effort to think before I speak.  And, I’ve been doing a workbook on how to be better at relationships.  As some of the PP stated – you have to make it a habit to be patient… because for so many years you’ve had the freedom to say and do what comes to mind — whether it’s brash or nice.  So – make a conscious effort to be nice — in your responses and the try to not focus on the small stuff — you remember the old saying “don’t sweat the small stuff”… yes – I’ve been practicing and doing a lot of self reflection… 

You can do it!  

Post # 15
Member
514 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

If you feel yourself about to snap, take five deep breaths and really try to consider if snapping will enhance or reck your day. Often that initial indulgent snippy remark will feel less tempting if you’ve had a few seconds to cool off.

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