Post # 1
Okay so my Maid/Matron of Honor is my good friend of 7 years. Although I didn’t see her for a year before we got engaged this February due to her focusing on her relationship with her boyfriend of 5 years. Fair enough, but I tried numerous times to get in contact with her over that year, and I never got a response from her…well until the day they broke up where I spent so much time with her trying to brighten her up and keep her mind off things, while reassuring her that she made the right choice.
Now, my wedding is in 5 weeks and she has a new boyfriend who she met 6 weeks ago. She has come along with me to many shopping days, but she is never there mentally. I feel pretty silly, as I was so excited to be getting my best friend back after her breakup that I jumped into asking her to be my Maid/Matron of Honor.
I was so sad for her, but knew with my everything that she was better off without him. She knew this too, and nagged me a bit about being my Maid/Matron of Honor.
The reason I feel silly is becuase I’ve realised over the last few months that our friendship is different, we don’t click like we use to. I don’t particularly enjoy her company anymore, and don’t really like the person she has become.
Now, I am thinking of asking her to step down as I don’t feel right having her be my Maid/Matron of Honor. I would rather stand up there alone (we only chose a Maid/Matron of Honor and Best Man) than stand there with someone who is not the friend to me that she once was. I have read quite a few posts on here about this, and most responses say that it should be out of the question to ask an attendant to step down. But in my eyes, this is not unreasonable. We are only having a small wedding of 70 people, and I feel that she might bring my mood down on the day.
Can anyone help with any suggestions on how to have this talk. I made myself physically sick this afternoon just thinking about it. But i know in my heart and my head that she shouldn’t be there with us.
Any help is very much appreciated.
Post # 3
Wow this is a really tough position to be in. If you know in your heart that she shouldn’t be there and that you won’t regret the decision you made when you asked her to step down then I think you should ask her to step down. However, if you are undecided or feel like you might regret her not being there then don’t do it because this will most likely be the end of your friendship. Regardless of your decision I would have a heart to heart with her and be honest about how you feel towards there friendship. If she is apathetic at your shopping trips then I don’t think thats a good sign that she wants to be with you and involved in your wedding.
Post # 4
So why exactly do you feel you should ask her to step down? Is it just because you two aren’t a close as you were, because she doesn’t seem as excited about your wedding as you are, or because she’s preoccupied with her new boyfriend? Honestly, I don’t think any of those are decent reasons to demote her from being a Maid/Matron of Honor (because that would most likely destroy any vestige of friendship you two have).
If it’s because she’s preoccupied with her boyfriend, or she’s not as excited about your wedding as you are, then you really need to wake up and realise that a) she’s got a new boyfriend, of course that will be her focus! and, b) no one will ever be as excited as you are about your wedding.
If it’s because you two are drifting apart as friends, I think your best bet is to try and talk with her about it – she may feel everything is fine, so an out-of-the-blue Maid/Matron of Honor dumping could be really hard and unfair for her.
Post # 5
Reality check for those who want to figure out what YOU did to deserve this…some people are just toxic. They are not good to have around. You do not owe anything to her when it comes to honoring her in your wedding. The stressor though is that letting her go could be painful, for you, her, mutual friends…who knows. So doing what’s right in you heart gets pushed down by duty. So…here’s the helpful ideas i got from other bees when we had less than supportive Maid/Matron of Honor and BestMan…have a second or co-person of honor. This is the route we went. It was scary and stressful and maybe a letdown for our bridal party but we feel more peace about it. No more sleepless nights over it. Ask how they’re feeling about the wedding, duties, etc…is there more specific duties they’d enjoy being a part of? My counselor also helped me process how having less than good friends (who used to be great friends) in our wedding could be a nice way to have closure on those relationships that did mean so much to me. Starting our new life, letting go of relationships we have loved but outgrown.
Post # 6
@icetea: No but she does owe it to her to treat her like a friend and talk to her! Some people are toxic that is true but to blanket a problem with people are toxic is well kind of toxic. People are all different and to only judge them by your standards is not really fair to other people and will leave you mostly disappointed in life and relationships.
People grow apart and change but that doesn’t necessarily mean you need to dump them from your life or end the relationship- maybe you just need to invest more into the relationship and reconnect.
Post # 7
@Blush.Champagne: Thank you. I do have a tiny bit of doubt doing it, because I don’t want to regret it. But I feel pretty strong that our friendship will never be what it was. She has been quite hurtful to me the past two years, and I have just realised in these last few months that it’s not the same nor will it be the same again. I will definitely have a heart to heart with her (this will be the 2nd one), but the first time she just never understood and brushed my feelings aside.
@icetea: Good point about mutual friends. My brother was also close friends with her. They still get along quite well, but she doesn’t make much of an effort with him either. I like your point about it being some sort of closure, and letting them go. I think it’s best to let this go. I am not a person who makes big decisions like this without thinking it through properly, and this has been going on for months.
Post # 8
Asking her to step down is probably the deal-breaker in your friendship. Once you do it, there’s no going back and you may do some irreparable damage to this friendship. Are you prepared for that?
I do believe it’s not appropriate to ask someone in the bridal party to step down once you’ve asked and they’ve agreed to take part in the day. I think it’s more inappropriate with your September 2012 wedding, meaning, she’s probably shelled out a pretty penny for a dress, accessory, shower, and gift.
Post # 9
@abbie017: I understand, I wouldn’t do this if I wasn’t sure. And no, we have paid for everything.
Post # 10
Why do brides ask people who they are not close to to be their bridesmaid then come on here and ask for advice as to how they can get rid of that bridesmaid?? My mind boggles lol.
Post # 11
@Irish-bride: Why bother writing a comment so rude? You’re not helping in anway, you’re just asking for trouble. Read the post before making a nasty, unhelpful comment.
Post # 12
Well Irish Bride is sort of right in that you shouldn’t ask someone to be part of your wedding when you havent been close with them and they just pop back into your life after a break-up. I would chalk that up to you being too nice. That being said, people keep saying that letting her go will be a dealbreaker for the friendship, but considering that you don’t like her company anymore I would think that doesn’t really matter. Someone ditching me for their boyfriend would be a dealbreaker for me 🙂
I can’t stand the idea of any type of obligation. Don’t let people tell you that you are being selfish or rude. It’s your wedding! If things are not working out you can just tell her that things haven’t turned out like you expected and you have decided not to have a Maid/Matron of Honor. It doesn’t sound like she is excited about it anyway. Good luck!
Post # 13
I know this is kind of tough and a really awkwared position you are in. I think things like this happen for a variety of reasons. I know when I got engaged I felt a change within myself – a growing up, a progression towards being completely adult. In this process I’ve seen people in a slightly different light, I’ve found some people really immature, it’s been difficult to relate to some of my old friends in the same way as I used to with ther single dramas, going out to get leathered drunk and one night stands.
That being said you are really close to the day to cut someone out now. Do you think a girly night at yours with a take away and a bottle of wine would help? Perhaps you need to take some time to re-connect. I would tell her your friendship needs work and ask her if she feels the same. be straight with her.
Often people get absorbed in their wee bubble and forget that other people have things going on too. Maybe that goes both ways.
Either way I wish you all the luck and love in the world what ever you decide
Post # 14
@louiseW: That wasn’t me being rude, that was just me asking a question. If my friend only ever wanted to spend time with me between boyfriends I’m sorry but I wouldn’t regard her as my best friend and I certainly wouldn’t ask her to be a bridesmaid. Common sense! So I’m a little confused as to why brides do this then moan that she’s not doing this or she doesn’t think the wedding is important or whatever. If you think I’m going to apologise for asking a question your having a pop at the wrong person. And that’s not being rude either, that’s me just stating a fact.
Post # 15
I can’t imagine anything more insulting. Only do this if you do not want this person to attend your wedding, and never want to speak to her again.
Post # 16
@louiseW: Why bother writing a comment so rude? You’re not helping in anway, you’re just asking for trouble. Read the post before making a nasty, unhelpful comment.
Not at all rude. Its true. Now whats rude is you making her step down. I asked my Darling Husband sister to be my Maid/Matron of Honor and it was the wrong choice. I only did it cause it was his sister and I really didnt have anyone else to ask. As much as I had regret it and was wishing she would tell me she didnt want to do it I couldnt ask her to give up the role and move along. Thats mean. Knowing that she would become my SIL and have to look at her and feel sorry everytime better leave her to be the Maid/Matron of Honor. My wedding only had 70 ppl and her being there was not at all that bad. Did it hurt me she didnt show up at the house the day of the wedding like the other girls? YES but did I let it ruin my day nope. Did I want to slap the shit out of her for being at the church before me and without me? Yes but I just kept thinking after today I dont have to bother with this. Even if she hasnt been the bestest of friend lately dont ask her to step down.