Post # 1
Hey girls. <3 <3 I’m new here, been lurking for a while but decided to finally post… I really need your help and advice… 🙁 🙁
I’ve been in a relationship with my boyfriend for six years now. We got together too young, and became serious way too fast (I’m 22 now). I kind of feel like neither of us ever really got to experience the joys of being young (friends, parties, etc.) because we committed to each other way too quickly. I don’t love him anymore, not at all. I haven’t loved him in a while. We’re just… Used to each other, I think. It’s not like we hate each other’s company… But there is no fire, no love, no passion. We’re pretty miserable, actually. I don’t hate him, I don’t love him… We kind of just… Get by, letting life slip between our fingers.
I really, really want to end this relationship. I think in the long run, we’d both be better off. But I just don’t know how to end it, there are too many physical obstacles. We live together, in a rented three bedroom house, and if he moved out, I’d probably get kicked out – there is no way I could pay for rent and all the bills with just my wage. In a pretty cruel way, I need him, otherwise I wouldn’t have a roof over my head. I have nowhere else to go, either…
The thought of living alone scares me, too, even if I could financially afford it. In a way, his companionship is still better than loneliness. He’s not a bad guy, I just don’t love him. It bugs me how dependent we are on each other. I wish I had broken up with him years ago, before we moved in together, when there was still an easy way out. But now? How do you get out of something like this? I want to be free, and I want us both to be happy. What do I do? Sorry for the rant, I’m crying as I’m typing this. I feel so miserable, and this relationship is loveless, suffocating and depressing. I just don’t know how to get out…
Post # 2
- Wedding: May 2015 - St Peter\'s Church, East Maitland, and Bella Vista, Newcastle
You can live alone without being lonely – I lived by myself for quite a while and it’s pretty liberating. Honestly, I would say you need to talk to him ASAP. Do you think that if you ended it, you could at least move into one of the other bedrooms until you can get a new place sorted out? A share house, if you can’t afford to live alone or really hate the idea of living alone – at 22 it shouldn’t be too difficult to find a share house with like-minded people and it has the advantage of introducing you to new people as well. It sounds like you know you need to get out and the longer you leave it the more difficult it will be. Good luck.
Post # 3
What about getting a roomate to cover half of your living expenses? It’s wrong to keep this dead end relationship going just to keep the bills paid.
It sounds like time for a serious talk in hopes you can end things amicably. A couples’ therapist can also facilitate a healthy ending to a relationship.
You’re in a tough spot, but it sounds as if you know what you need to do.
Post # 4
- Wedding: September 2014 - Merritt Winery
I left my ex Fiance after being togeher for 7 years. We too got together too young. I knew we needed to end but I stayed a lot longer than I should have. I had never really lived alone before. I’d never even taken out my own trash! I found an apartment I could afford and moved out. I relied on friends and family to keep me busy. I was scared. I cried a lot and slept with the lights on for a while. I made it through. I eventually met my now Darling Husband and am so thankful for being brave enough to go out on my own.
Good luck to you. It seems like you already know what you need to do.
Post # 5
natalie0981: get yourself a pet! That’s how I survived being by myself. I had something that still depended on me everyday and needed me. I also focused on myself and made improvements I wanted to without worrying about anything else.
Post # 6
I stayed with my high school sweetheart about two years longer than I should have (and we were together four). The best way to do it is to just sit down and talk with him face-to-face. Then, set a move-out date for him (or you) and either advertise for a roommate or find someone who IS advertising for a roommate to cover half the costs of the apartment.
Post # 7
natalie0981: My older sister ended a relationship of almost 10 years about 6 months ago, and it was the best choice she ever made! Of course, it wasn’t easy, and financially, things were tough for awhile, but she did it and she’s never been happier. Like others have suggested, could you get a roommate or two to help fill up the extra bedrooms in your house? That way, you wouldn’t have to leave, but you’d still be able to afford your bills without extra stress. Or, get a fresh start, move into a studio and embrace living on your own. You can do it!
Post # 8
Congratulate yourself for recognizing the futility of the situation and realizing the mistakes that led to it.
People your age are often very stressed about money and where they will live – for good reason. Think about the small steps you can take. Could you stay until the lease is up, and then move yourself to a one-bedroom apartment?
In the future, go against the conventional wisdom and do not live with someone outside of marriage (or beyond a limited trial period when you have agreed to marry). Living together, as your experience shows, just closes off so many options. It stops you from meeting others. People move in together very casually – they have low standards for whom they choose to live with. Then they can end up marrying the wrong person largely because they have invested so much time and it seems to be the next step.
Post # 9
natalie0981: living alone can be scary after being with someone for so long. However, i think it would be great for you, very liberating. You are so young and have a lot of experiences to look forward to. With that said, i think that you should sit down with your boyfriend and explain exactly how you are feeling and see if you can break your lease and find different living quarters. Can you stay with someone in case you need to? Financialy, living alone can be a little tough but with the right budgeting it can be managed.
i am sorry you are going through this. Goodluck
Post # 10
natalie0981: Have you spoken to your landlord about room mates? That way he can or you can afford to stay in the home at least for a little while until you can take your next steps. You’re going to feel so good once you are finally freed. Being single and living alone (if you an afford it) is such a powerful feeling. If you’re concerned, get a cat. They don’t need much and you and the cat will both get attention and space you need 🙂
You’re lucky you have the mind to know it’s over and you’re ready to make changes for yourself, that’s huge! I dated a guy from hs far too long and it became poisonous and I hated the person I was with him. I went on a family trip for two weeks and met someone else and that’s what it took for me to finally break it off for good. It’s hard pulling back all the shreds of “you” from that life of “us” but god is it worth it.
Best of luck! Enjoy your single and ready to mingle status 😉
Post # 11
Good on your for recognizing the situation!
The obstacles you speak of, aren’t really obstacles. They’re something that frightens EVERYONE getting out of a long term relationship, and something that keep a lot of people (women especially) in bad relationships. But please don’t let it!
It’s a simple matter of logistics.
Talk to your landlord, and/or find roommates. Volunteer to get yourself out of the house, or get a pet. Go to the movies, find Meet Ups, send someone you haven’t seen in a while a message. Do some art, write some songs, read a good book. Love yourself again, being alone doesn’t mean being lonely! Get your identity back, and don’t lose sight of it again!
You just have to believe that these are things you can work through – because you can! I promise.
Post # 12
I ended a 9 year relationship about a year and a half ago. I did still love him, but knew that we were way too different to ever raise kids together or even merge our finances. He was like a best friend/roommate that I had sex with but not a life partner.
I told him on a Sunday night what I was feeling and then I packed a small bag and moved to my parents house for a week. I left that cat there so he wouldn’t be alone, but told him that the cat would end up living with me (he was mine in the first place, so this wasn’t really negotiable). My ex and I got together again on Monday to talk more in detail and then got together at the apartment on Wednesday to actually devide our things. Then on Saturday he had his step dad come over with a moving truck and he moved his stuff out.
The difference was that our place was really my place. My name was on the lease and I paid the rent, so him staying there wasn’t really something that needed to be discussed. The logistics of the breakup were probably easier than most people in a 9 year relationship.
He was very upset at first but has since accepted it and even told some mutual friends that he thinks it is for the best. Over the last year and a half we have talked a few times, basically whenever something big happens we updated each other.
The best piece of advice I can give you is that as difficult and complicated as you think this is going to be, when you come out on the other side you are going to realize that it was actually a lot simplier than you had thought.
Post # 13
Thank you, thank you so much for all your advice and support! It really means the world to me. 🙂 <3 <3
I’ll try and reply in detail to each suggestion… You all speak the truth, and deep in my heart I know you are right… It’s just so hard, you know? It’s not like I hate the guy… It’s not like living with him is hell… It’s okay, he’s a good man, a little flawed, but who isn’t? There is just no love between us. I want so much to just go out there and experience what life has to offer! I know that deep inside, he probably wants the same. I do believe that he has more feelings for me than I do for him, but I don’t know whether it’d call it ‘love’. I care for him, too, but not in a romantic way… Sorry if this seems a little inappropriate, but whenever we kiss, or make love (which is rare these days, I avoid it as much as I can); it just feels so…Awful, empty, you know? I pretend to enjoy it but I just feel nothing. I keep imagining myself in arms of other men, does that make me a bad person? I think I just really miss.. People, hanging out, socialising, flirting, I’m only 22 and I feel like I’m just sitting here, letting my life slip away….
I can’t really get a roommate where I live, because our landlord isn’t a very nice person and he’d most probably just kick me out if he found out my boyfriend is moving out; I’m scared to risk it. I thought maybe I should save up some money for a while, and find a cheaper flat somewhere? Fresh start would be great… <3 <3 And you guys are right about the pet thing! I’d love a cat, or a dog to keep me company. 🙂 Or even a hamster!
Thank you again, reading your stories and all your advice really makes me feel so much better… I’m glad I’m not alone… Thank you so much… <3 <3 I really want to get through this and be happy again… x x
Post # 14
mohbestie: Hmm, I’m not sure whether my boyfriend would be that reasonable… I know him well enough by now to guess that he’d probably just snap, yell and move out to his parents. I think he’d abandon me right away… I wish I could sit down with him and talk properly, like adults, but I’m scared… I did tell him a few times, that i’m not happy with our relationship, that we’re miserable, I even said that I don’t love him anymore once… But he just doesn’t seem to take anything seriously, you know? No matter how open and honest I try to be. He seems to think that it’s just ‘another petty argument’, that will blow over in a day or two… <3
Post # 15
somethingbee: Thank you so much, dear, such inspiring words! I really want this… <3 I want to be happy again, and I want the same for my boyfriend, too; because I know he isn’t really happy with me, either.