How to bring up a timeline without freaking my s/o out?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

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lovelynight :  

How long have you been dating this man? It’s not clear from your post. 

Does he give signs of wanting a lifetime commitment?

Talk is cheap and anyone can make jokes about marriage. 

 

Post # 4
Member
444 posts
Helper bee

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lovelynight :  

I’m glad that you and he had the opportunity to be friends for a long time. That makes everything easier. 

Having said that, there’s no harm in waiting until you have been dating for a year before bringing up marriage. Though you and he have a long history, you have not been dating for a very long time and this is an entirely different type of relationship to a friendship. 

Give it a little more time. There is no need to rush. 

Post # 5
Member
7760 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

So you have been dating about 2-1/2 months and you’re looking for a timeline? 

While knowing someone beforehand helps a bit, eerything is different once you’re dating. You see a side of someone you may have never seen before. Two and a half months isn’t even long enough for the infatuation a person feels in ANY new relationship to wear off.

You do you, but if anyone I had dated for less than three months wanted a timeline, I’d run for the hills.

Post # 7
Member
540 posts
Busy bee

I have known my FH since middle school, I am now 41. It’s honestly too soon to be discussing marriage and a timeline yet. Your smitten and may feel in love but you need more time. Being friends and being in a relationship are 2 different things. 

JMO. 

Post # 8
Member
117 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: November 2018 - San Diego, CA

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lovelynight :  so I I probably have the odd opinion but I think it’s not too early to bring it up. my relationship moved incredibly fast and we moved in together, got married, and are now having a baby after almost  three years of knowing each other. Both have been previously married and were26/28 when we met now 28/30. The fact that your boyfriend has been making concrete plans with you for the future to me just shows that he is ready for commitment and isn’t afraid of it. Who knows if your relationship will get to the point of marriage, but letting him know that “hey this is what I want” is only going to determine if your relationship can go in that direction. at this point you know what you want in your life and I’m sure he does too. you’re not saying you want to get married tomorrow, but you’re saying you want the relationship to go towards marriage and there’s no reason to pretend you don’t think about it. you don’t necessarily need to ask for a timeline but just let him know that youre ready for marriage and want to be in a relationship that has that as an an end goal sooner rather than later. I know how I feel about my husband and we talked about marriage very early on because we just had a connection. I don’t regret bringing it up as early as I did because he was feeling the same way and didn’t want to freak me out lol. 

Anyways good luck!! 

 

Post # 9
Member
399 posts
Helper bee

I was in your exact situation, 

My ex lied to me about marriage and children and broke me, I left him and started seeing my best friend(of many years prior).

6 monyhs in I decided to have ‘the talk’ and was honest about what I want in MY future, and was open about my timeline and all that jazz.

He accepted that full heartedly and has even come back with a shorter timeline than I first put to him. When you’re in a relationship with someone you’ve known for SO many years, it can kind of kick start your relationship a lot faster than meeting someone for the first time and getting to know them from scratch, we moved in together at about 6 months, same time I brought up my goals/timeline.

I would wait a few more months, but there is NO harm in mentioning what you want from life to see if you are on the same page, do you both want marriage? Do you both want kids? Do you have the same core values?

 

GOOD LUCK

Post # 10
Member
1659 posts
Bumble bee

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lovelynight :  Given that you’ve been friends for a decade and he’s already bringing serious long-term plans (suggesting he move for your career prospects) and joking about marriage, I don’t think it would hurt to discuss where the relationship is going next time he mentions it, but I wouldn’t go as far as to try to pin down a timeline. Think about a job interview, where they ask what your 5-10 year goals are. I think relationships are best when everyone’s on the same page. Personally, my time is too valuable to spend a year dating someone without knowing his position on important topics like marriage.

In my case, I communicated early on (in the first few months) that I wanted to be married and wouldn’t be in a relationship that I couldn’t see resulting in marriage. (That didn’t mean I knew him well enough to know he was the one.) I think a guy’s reaction to discussing marriage really speaks to his maturity: If he “runs for the hills”, it’s to your benefit to know now and not later.

This might be a weird analogy, but I think you can compare it to the process of explaining the birds and bees to children: it should be done gradually and over appropriate occasions.

Post # 11
Member
144 posts
Blushing bee

As someone going through the whole non commital partner thing I wouldn’t want to waste any time being with someone who might not want the same things. I don’t think there is any harm maybe in a month or two just bringing up “So, you want to get married right? Kids? ect…” 

You should just find out that your priorities align! If he is the right guy he won’t run! 🙂

Post # 12
Member
5133 posts
Bee Keeper

Given that you’ve known each other for years I don’t think that it’s too early to discuss this. 

Post # 13
Member
1082 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Maybe instead of a timeline discussion you ask his views on marriage in general.  Also, I wouldn’t think it would be awkward to say something like “I’ve always known I wouldn’t wait longer than X amount of time before getting engaged/married, what about you?”

Post # 14
Member
340 posts
Helper bee

I agree with PP, it may be better to bring up marriage in general now instead of timelines. You could talk to him about how important it is to you and that you have always felt like X amount of time was  good amount to wait. See how he reacts and what his response is and go from there?

For me, the timeline talk didn’t really work so well until I actually sat down with my partner and laid out all my expectations for the future e.g. I want to be married by this age, I would like to be around this age when we start TTC, and I know you don’t want to TTC straight away once we are married so I am factoring in time for that etc. That seemed to work and open up a good discussion about it where we both contributed our feelings.

Post # 15
Member
42 posts
Newbee

I definitely think it’s too soon to bring up a timeline. But i think it would be appropriate to discuss what happened in your past relationship. I think that in itself will send a message to him. That’s been my approach in my new relationship of about a year. I made it clear the reason why i left my ex of almost 9 years was he lied about marriage. And to me marriage was so important it ended the relationship (granted there were several other issues, but marriage was the ultimate deal breaker for me to finally leave).

On his own, my new bf has brought up marriage, and what he feels and thinks. And he has expressed he is excited to marry me one day. And we’ve had open and honest discussions stem from that because I have had a chance to explain my past.

I think anything under 6 months to a year is way too soon, regardless of how long you’ve known eachother, but i do think it’s appropriate to discuss deal breakers early on. In this case, just that marriage is a deal breaker. He will take that information and figure out ok, I need to be ready for marriage or a break up. 

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