How to bring up a timeline without freaking my s/o out?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
Member
1264 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

This is about the time (3 months in) that I brought up marriage in general- just to make sure we were on the same page. Like, I wanted to make sure we were both on the same page that this was something headed towards marriage. I did sort of bring up a timeline too- but that was that I wanted to be dating someone at least 2 years before getting engaged.

It didn’t scare him off any- he actually cites that moment as when he knew he wanted to marry me for sure. He said he would’ve proposed to me at 4 months into our relationship if I hadn’t had my 2 year rule. He ended up making it to 1 week shy of 2 years before proposing. 

All that to say- I definitely wouldn’t bring up a definite “I need to be engaged by x time, married by y time” but I would bring it up just to make sure you were on the same page. It’s still early. 

Post # 17
Member
935 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2019

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echomomm :  Agree

I get that ideally you would like things to happen on a certain timeline but thats not how life works. I met my soulmate at 33. We will marry right before I turn 35 and TTC a baby at 35. I never would have planned it this way and it certainly wasnt my timeline… but thats how it happened. I love him and hes the right one and thats what matters.

We moved quick (engaged after a year, wedding after 17 months)… but you have to give it at least 6-8 months before even bringing that stuff up as far as a timeline. Yes talk generally about future goals but you cant expect a committment 3 months in. You may have known him for 10 years but this relationship is different and brand new. Slow your roll.

Post # 18
Member
3029 posts
Sugar bee

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seacrash :  I totally agree. 

There are so many men and women in today’s dating world that think it’s wrong to ask “do you want to get married” or “do you want kids?” These things are really important to ask and make up the foundation for a healthy relationship. The fear of seeming too desperate or needy has overcome the drive to find what we want in a partner. 

I was the crazy girl that asked on every first date I went on if the person if they wanted to get married and have kids and what their dating intentions were. I don’t like wasting my time.

Post # 19
Member
2134 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: City, State

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sarathemermaid :  That isn’t being the crazy girl at all! I did the same thing, usually on the second date. Most first dates weren’t going to become second dates anyway, so I didn’t bring it up then. But, “So, we’re both obviously doing the online dating thing. How has it been going for you? What are you looking for?” wasn’t something I was shy about asking, ever. 

OP, you’ve known this guy for a long while. It shouldn’t be at all uncomfortable to ask about what he’s looking for long term generally. I wouldn’t jump straight to “What’s your timeline for marrying me?!”, as this is still a very new thing for the two of you. Let the romance build without specifics, but do confirm that you both want the same things out of a relationship. 

Post # 20
Member
850 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2019

To me there is a difference between understanding someone’s intentions and a specific timeline.  I think you can have conversations with someone about what their goals are without pushing for a specific timeline of when you as a couple would get engaged.  Personally given that just a few months ago you posted that you were having feelings for your ex again I wouldn’t rush to fast track things.

Post # 21
Member
940 posts
Busy bee

Hmm, my SO and I dated for merely a few months before he started bringing up marriage talk, with me in specific. He talked about it a lot. that was about a year a few months ago. Now, we are talking about getting married withing 1.5-2 years. So, we may be engaged this year. It all depends. Each couple, and story is different. Only you know what feels right when it does 🙂

Post # 22
Member
785 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2016

I would 100% talk to him about it. Does he know how you got strung along with the marriage talk in your previous relationship? Being open about that and your subsequent nerves and need to be straightforward seems reasonable. It’s not the same thing as setting a timeline, but just asking if marriage is on the table as an end goal should the relationship go well. 

I discussed marriage on the first date with my husband. It was part of my online profile. I was interested in people who were looking for something serious only and was curious about views on marriage and compatability. I don’t think there’s any need to tiptoe around the subject, just keep it direct and not emotionally charged or ridden with expectations.

Post # 23
Member
2145 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2018

I don’t know. I think when the time comes for this kind of conversation, you aren’t scared that it will freak him out or scare him away. Of course, there is nervousness, but I think you might be jumping the gun a bit. Since you are still fairly close to your breakup, why not enjoy getting to know him for a few more months before jumping into talk of engagement?

Post # 24
Member
3149 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: January 2021

I don’t think you’re at the “timeline” stage just yet, but it is absolutely appropriate to begin talking about marriage in general and making sure you’re on the same page about where you see this going. 

Post # 25
Member
2485 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2018

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mimivac :  I agree. 

OP, if you are afraid of freaking your SO out with marriage talks, it’s likely too soon. And yes, I think 3 months is too soon. 

Post # 26
Member
757 posts
Busy bee

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lovelynight :  If you think this kind of specific conversation will freak him out, it’s too soon. Sure, you’ve known him for years, but a relationship is different. It doesn’t seem like the time to talk about a timeline yet.

There’s no harm in asking hypotentically if he wants to get married eventually or if he wants to have kids.

Post # 27
Member
23 posts
Newbee

I have been friends with my Bf for 14/15 years but either of us would have run for the hills if a timeline had been brought up in the first year. We already were aware though from being friends for all that time that we both want marriage and children in our future. And I do think our relationship has changed over the last few years so we’ve seen each other at our worst and our best and we’re now the happiest we’ve ever been. I agree with others that there is nothing wrong with indicating that you want these things at some stage but looking for anything concrete in terms of timeline may scare your other half away

Post # 28
Member
446 posts
Helper bee

View original reply
mel2 :  

I don’t think that you and your husband moved quickly. 

It’s normal to be engaged after at least a year together. 

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