Post # 1
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
I posted recently about a guy I’ve been dating for a month – we’ve been on 6 dates. On the 4th, we went back to my house & became intimate – but he struggled with having actual sex, I assumed due to nervousness. He also admitted he was a virgin at 23, which surprised me, but he is shy.
Following this, he wanted to discuss some things in person. He said he is currently in therapy because he can’t remember what happened for 6 years of his childhood. Which sounds little potential abuse to me? But I didn’t query it further. He also said he doesn’t feel best placed for a relationship right now, but could we keep seeing each other and take it slow? So I said yes. A slowish pace suits me as I came out of a serious relationship 7 month ago & am working through it/finally getting back to myself.
Since that conversation he calls every day and we’ve been on 2 more dates. He initiates lots of hand-holding, kissing & snuggling if we are in a venue where we can snuggle! But last time we were together things started getting heated & I asked him to stop because hello – public place! Because he wants to take things slow, I assume he doesn’t want to think about sex again for the moment. But I want to share a private space with him again, away from prying eyes, and am not sure how to suggest this without pressuring him. I basically have no idea what type of intimacy he does or doesn’t want now or in the future.
Any advice?
Post # 2
Member
41 posts
Newbee
- Wedding: April 2020 - City, State
rachel351 :
Definitely talk to him! He seems like he is very open about what is going on with him and respects you enough to have shared that information. He is the best person to answer that question. I would bring it up in conversation that you would be okay having a more intimate relationship, but want to respect where he is at this time and ask him what he would consider an appropriate level of intimacy at this time.
It can very intricate in how to deal with someone who has been sexually abused– they have to take their time and make sure they are in a good place to have an intimate relationship. Therapy will definitely help in aiding him finding good coping mechanisms since sex could cause him to feel a lot of anxiety. Just remember if he feels uncomfortable, this is not your fault! It takes a while to work through these issues.
Suggestion: Maybe suggest a stay-in date– maybe a movie marathron plus take out? For more privacy and additional snuggle time without the pressures of sex?
Post # 3
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
Thanks alafolie. So on our date last night, he said ‘let’s meet up again soon 
‘ as we parted ways. Do you think I should wait until our next in-person date to broach the topic or just suggest it as a next date? As in, I’ll cook & we can watch some movies. It just feels a bit awkward adding ‘but nothing has to happen!’. I just want to make it sound like a great suggestion while making it clear I respect his boundaries.
Post # 4
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
a friend also suggested that because he said he doesn’t feel equipped to have a relationship right now, he might have no intention of sleeping with me at all or coming home with me again etc. Hence why he is intimate in public, but not asking me back etc. What do you reckon?
Post # 5
Member
13655 posts
Honey Beekeeper
rachel351 : Based on what he’s told you, you don’t. He’s already made it quite clear he doesn’t want a committed, physical relationship anytime soon, maybe at all, and that he needs to work on his issues. I’m not sure what part was unclear.
Meanwhile he enjoys the comraderie and the affection on his own terms, which is really not fair to you. You feel as if you are getting mixed signals, when in reality nothing has changed.
I would certainly not close the door to dating others.
Post # 6
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
weddingmaven : I feel unclear because his actions are different. As I said he calls every day, behaves like an affectionate boyfriend in public
and things tend to get hot and heavy.
Lastly on our date last night he asked me to accompany him to an event with his friends today. I decided not to due to other plans, but also the fact I am not his girlfriend and it feels like it would be slipping into that territory. I do honestly really enjoy the dates very much and the intimacy. I’ve dated two guys at once in the past, but it did get a bit confusing. I’m not closing the door on that at all, I just don’t feel I meet people I really want to date that often. Maybe I should make an effort to get out and meet new people more often than I have been.
Post # 7
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
rachel351 : I think you should invite him for dinner and a movie at your place and sit down and have a chat with him. It sounds like you enjoy his company and are happy to go at whatever pace he sets but you are confused by the hot and heavy sessions in public. Ask him to clarify the situation for you in more defined terms for you. He’s been pretty forthcoming with you so I think he’d be the kind of person who’d be open to answering reasonable questions that you may have especially when it impacts you.
I think once you know some answers you can then work out if the situation truly suits you or if it doesn’t.
Post # 8
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
Thanks cmsgirl. Yeah, I am happy to go at a slow pace because I am enjoying the intimacy in general. I had my heart broken in a serious relationship earlier this year, which is why I think it works for me.
But obviously, I am very attracted to him and would like to be intimate with him again at some point. I think I will do what you suggest over the next week or so, and if he balks at spending time together indoors, I will talk to him. If he is basically not comfortable with further intimacy I think I will probably suggest we become friends instead. I feel like the best version of myself when we spend time together and we are both very happy in the other’s company. But my overall desires are important too – he has stated his, after all.
Post # 9
Member
6165 posts
Bee Keeper
Whats the rush? You’ve only been dating a month, you enjoy each other’s company but he is not ready for sex or taking things further. You’ve told him you’re fine with a slower pace but seem to want to pressure him into intimacy again. Slow down. It may take him 6 months, a year, or even longer (if ever) to be ready for sex and intimacy. If you can’t cool your jets and be more patient then he is definitively not a good fit for you and you should look to date others. GL.
Post # 10
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
I don’t want to pressure him into sex or sexual intimacy. But the things we do when we’re out in public – cuddling & kissing etc – I would prefer to do that indoors sometimes. I don’t think it bothers him so much, but I prefer the privacy. On our date yesterday someone walked past us and shouted ‘Love is alive!!’ but people have also shouted, er, other things lol. I hate attention being on me like that, but also don’t want to stop the intimacy.
I think theres a few things going on:-
– We have already been intimate, so I’ve had a taste of it and I suppose crave it more. Even just sleeping together spooning & waking up next to each other. I have just never been in a situation where the guy has asked to slow things down and am not used to it.
– He’s leaving the country in 3 months for a period. If things continue to move at a snail’s pace, the dating relationship won’t progress at all. I am not sure yet if I am happy for things to stay static like this for several months. My impression is that he would be very jealous/a little upset if I dated someone else. On yesterday’s date he actually showed me a poem he wrote based on one of our dates! A poem!
He has never had a really serious relationship at 23. He had a short-lived one before she broke it off. Perhaps he wants to be in love first. It certainly feels like we are falling in love, which isn’t ideal given the circumstances. But it’s better to have loved and lost, after all…
Post # 11
Member
201 posts
Helper bee
rachel351 : he expressed his needs to you openly and honestly. Do the same to him: you can respect his need to stick to just kissing and cuddling, but you don’t feel comfortable doing that publicly.
Plenty of people don’t like PDA.. that’s perfectly fine. Just tell him what your needs are.
Post # 12
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
If your past issues with communication are any indication, telling someone how you feel is normally what you should do. Being frozen in fear of doing/saying the wrong thing doesn’t help anything.
But probably first and foremost decide what you want out of this, as he’s going away. Talk to him about whether you’re exclusive and how seriously he feels because if you anticipate he’ll be upset about you dating others while he’s gone, does that mean he won’t be dating others, either? Get through the basics of even just knowing what you can expect from each other.
Post # 13
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
hungrymeow : What past issues with communication? Sorry if I’ve over-looked some failing of mine but I’m generally very good with communication. My ex wouldn’t communicate with me about anything – this guy is the opposite which is great.
We’ve been dating just over a month, so I feel it’s maybe a little early to have the exclusive chat? This is a conversation I would usually have about 2 months in, not that there are rules! When I asked him ‘what will happen when you leave?’ his response was ‘let’s cross that bridge when we come to it.’ He also didn’t seem keen on breaking up when he leaves (I suggested a short relationship that ends when he goes), but I am afraid of being in another LDR. My only other LDR ended earlier this year when the guy cheated and left me for someone closer to home. I think overall I would rather be with someone who I can wake up next to. But at the same time, I don’t want to say for sure because this is a pretty special connection either way.
Post # 14
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
rachel351 : it looks like you have a lot of what-should-I-do threads, which is how I came to the communication issue. But if that was based on another person, then pardon my assumption.
I think it isn’t early to talk about this if he’s going to be pissy if you date after him. You said exclusivity also would help you determine how you’d feel about having sex with him, so that’s where I think a lot of this uncertainty could be solved by knowing these things. But I guess if he doesn’t even know how he feels, you have to wait for him.
I’m generally not someone who waits in getting these answers, though. If my questions scare a guy away, he’s not the one for me. Lol Same for expressing how I feel. I used to wait weeks to sort through my thoughts and come up with exactly what I wanted to say, but it just takes too long and people have bad memories for feelings that are more than a week old if they aren’t the ones with a problem.
Post # 15
Member
160 posts
Blushing bee
You make a good point. I think this might be partly because my last ex was terrible at communication & would never open up to me. This guy IS different because he came to me first to talk about things and I find him very transparent in general. Need to remember that.
I have thought about it more over the weekend – and made peace with the fact that it may take him a while/he may not get there at this time in his life. For the moment, we are going on a mid-week date and I am going to bring up indoors intimacy in the next couple of weeks. If he isn’t open to coming over to watch a movie/eat some food/cuddle then I think I will throw in the towel as far as dating is concerned.
Again, I feel NO need to jump into sex right now. But being able to snuggle and kiss behind close doors and not in the freezing autumn conditions all the time is fairly important to me! Otherwise it feels like there is zero progression happening. Surely someone can see where I’m coming from?