How to bring up further intimacy in new dating relationship?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 2
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2020 - City, State

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rachel351 :  

Definitely talk to him! He seems like he is very open about what is going on with him and respects you enough to have shared that information. He is the best person to answer that question. I would bring it up in conversation that you would be okay having a more intimate relationship, but want to respect where he is at this time and ask him what he would consider an appropriate level of intimacy at this time.

It can very intricate in how to deal with someone who has been sexually abused– they have to take their time and make sure they are in a good place to have an intimate relationship. Therapy will definitely help in aiding him finding good coping mechanisms since sex could cause him to feel a lot of anxiety. Just remember if he feels uncomfortable, this is not your fault! It takes a while to work through these issues. 

Suggestion: Maybe suggest a stay-in date– maybe a movie marathron plus take out? For more privacy and additional snuggle time without the pressures of sex?

 

 

Post # 5
Member
13655 posts
Honey Beekeeper

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rachel351 :  Based on what he’s told you, you don’t. He’s already made it quite clear he doesn’t want a committed, physical relationship anytime soon, maybe at all, and that he needs to work on his issues. I’m not sure what part was unclear. 

Meanwhile he enjoys the comraderie and the affection on his own terms, which is really not fair to you. You feel as if you are getting mixed signals, when in reality nothing has changed. 

I would certainly not close the door to dating others. 

Post # 7
Member
4854 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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rachel351 :  I think you should invite him for dinner and a movie at your place and sit down and have a chat with him.  It sounds like you enjoy his company and are happy to go at whatever pace he sets but you are confused by the hot and heavy sessions in public. Ask him to clarify the situation for you in more defined terms for you. He’s been pretty forthcoming with you so I think he’d be the kind of person who’d be open to answering reasonable questions that you may have especially  when it impacts you.

I think once you know some answers you can then work out if the situation truly suits you or if it doesn’t. 

Post # 9
Member
6165 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2017

Whats the rush? You’ve only been dating a month, you enjoy each other’s company but he is not ready for sex or taking things further. You’ve told him you’re fine with a slower pace but seem to want to pressure him into intimacy again. Slow down.  It may take him 6 months, a year, or even longer (if ever) to be ready for sex and intimacy. If you can’t cool your jets and be more patient then he is definitively not a good fit for you and you should look to date others.  GL.

Post # 11
Member
201 posts
Helper bee

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rachel351 :  he expressed his needs to you openly and honestly. Do the same to him: you can respect his need to stick to just kissing and cuddling, but you don’t feel comfortable doing that publicly. 

Plenty of people don’t like PDA.. that’s perfectly fine. Just tell him what your needs are.

Post # 12
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

If your past issues with communication are any indication, telling someone how you feel is normally what you should do. Being frozen in fear of doing/saying the wrong thing doesn’t help anything.

But probably first and foremost decide what you want out of this, as he’s going away. Talk to him about whether you’re exclusive and how seriously he feels because if you anticipate he’ll be upset about you dating others while he’s gone, does that mean he won’t be dating others, either? Get through the basics of even just knowing what you can expect from each other.

Post # 14
Member
1069 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2018 - -

rachel351 :  it looks like you have a lot of what-should-I-do threads, which is how I came to the communication issue. But if that was based on another person, then pardon my assumption.

I think it isn’t early to talk about this if he’s going to be pissy if you date after him. You said exclusivity also would help you determine how you’d feel about having sex with him, so that’s where I think a lot of this uncertainty could be solved by knowing these things. But I guess if he doesn’t even know how he feels, you have to wait for him.

I’m generally not someone who waits in getting these answers, though. If my questions scare a guy away, he’s not the one for me. Lol Same for expressing how I feel. I used to wait weeks to sort through my thoughts and come up with exactly what I wanted to say, but it just takes too long and people have bad memories for feelings that are more than a week old if they aren’t the ones with a problem.

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