How to bring up further intimacy in new dating relationship?

posted 2 years ago in Relationships
Post # 16
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

rachel351 :  

“But being able to snuggle and kiss behind close doors and not in the freezing autumn conditions all the time is fairly important to me! Otherwise it feels like there is zero progression happening. Surely someone can see where I’m coming from?”

I think this is very understandable. I enjoy holding hands and a kiss and a hug here and there in public, but I’d feel uncomfortable if all our making out and snuggling was done in public. Definitely would feel weird for me, and I wouldn’t like it.

I think inviting him over for a movie and dinner is a great place to start. If the two of you are going to carry on dating or hanging out, this is going to be part of the equation anyway. Eventually you will need to spend quieter, more intimate, private time together. And this doesn’t need to be full of pressure. You can just watching a movie and cuddle and see where things go.

I also think you should talk to him. If you’re curious about whether or not he’s comfortable doing something, ask him. Couldn’t be simpler. If you’re wondering how he feels about spending the night cuddling and waking up together, ask him.

I think it’s fair to want some progression in the relationship. But try to accept that it might be small steps, and try not to push things too hard. I also don’t think the fact that he is going for 3 months necessarily means that there will be no progression. There are always phone calls and Skype and texting etc. You can stay in touch and possibly get to know each other on a different level. And as for dating other people, you could always clarify this with him. So much depends on you and how much you want this relationship. How much do you want to give it a decent shot? How much do you want it to work out? If you can answer that you absolutely do want it, without doubt, then I would give it a shot. If you’re iffy about it, then you probably need to be honest with yourself about that too.

Post # 18
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee

I’d be wary of any guy who uses the line, I’m not ready for a relationship, no matter what the context or what he is going through. He said take it slow, those were his own words. I suggest you see if he really meant take it slow or if he meant, I don’t want a relationship but I want to use you for sex. It will be pretty obvious if you respond to his attempts for sex with, I thought we were taking it slow? Protect your feelings, don’t have sex with him and actually hold him to his taking it slow suggestion and see how he reacts to that. 

 

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rachel351 :  

Post # 19
Member
1561 posts
Bumble bee

I’m my experience there is only one reason that a guy tells a woman he doesn’t want a relationship and then after that conversation becomes all attentive and seems Into you. This JUST happened to my good friend. 

She was dating a guy for 6 weeks and told him she would appreciate it if he would text her more often. Next time he saw her he said he wasn’t ready for a relationship and he didn’t want to lead her on. She agreed with him to take it slow and see where it went. He is now being super nice to her and texting her a ton more. She is running over to hanout just like before like that conversation never happened. I told her this and I asked my boyfriend and he said I was 100% right. Your guy and my friends guy think that they just warned you that they don’t want anything. In their mind they have now told you that they arent interested in a relationship with you. By continuing to date them you basically have accepted those terms. They are now being all nice and extra sweet because they think they just scored a sweet deal. The guys now think they can have all the benefits of a relationship without having to commit at all. I have had this happen to me also. When the time comes to actually say, enough what are we it’s been months! I guarantee the guy will turn around and say, I told you I didn’t want a relationship at the start. 

Anytime a guy dates me for 4-6 dates and then pulls any of that crap about not wanting a relationship, taking it slow, not wanting to lead me on, let’s just see where it goes. I’m out. People don’t spell out things that are normal. Two people going on dates at the beginning know they are seeing where it goes, THAT IS THE WHOLE POINT OF DATING LOL. Someone who takes the time to spell it out seemingly out of nowhere is a huge red flag. That is just my experience. 

Yea there are situations where the guy is the exception to the rule, but that is so rare. Act like he isn’t the exception to the rule and you’ll be much more likely to not get F’ed over. 

 

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rachel351 :  

Post # 21
Member
1058 posts
Bumble bee

rachel351 :  

That’s lovely 🙂 Let us know how it goes.

I completely sympathise with not wanting to become too serious and being happy to take it slow… that is completely normal when you have had a traumatic break up or are just not sure what you want yet.

I am more or less in the same boat. I didn’t have a traumatic break up, but I have dated a lot and am a bit drained and weary from the dating process, and with the guy I’m seeing now, we have agreed to take it slowly and that really suits me. I think you are doing absolutely the right thing and that this is probably a good guy for you to be dating at the moment because he is not going to push you for more than you are ready for. Not all women want commitment straight out of the gate – I for one prefer to wait to see who the guy is and get to know him a bit better.

People with Aspergers do not always lack empathy – symptoms of Aspergers are quite varied and differ quite a bit from person to person. He might simply battle a little with opening up and making himself vulnerable. I’d encourage you to get to know him as a person, and yes, see what happens. Don’t get too bogged down in the diagnosis.

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