Post # 1
So I am very recently engaged!! I am starting to already get overwhelmed with everything. I am hoping for my wedding to be around this time next year… which means I really need to get a grip on booking the larger venues. My FI is VERY concerned with money and wants to have everything planned out before we make any moves toward booking something. I need to sit down with my dad to see how much he will be contributing (I know he wont be paying for everything but he will definetely help out). Should I try to set something up to discuss this or should I wait for him to bring it up. (My dad and I aren’t super close, we usually only talk or visit once a month or so). I dont want to be rude but I already feel behind on planning. Any Ideas on how to go about this?
Post # 2
Plan based on what you can afford. Asking people for money is rude, and there is no polite way to ask your parents to pay for your event. If they offer, that’s opens the door for your discussion.
Post # 3
Simple answer: You don’t.
You sit down with your parents, discuss the date you were looking at and if they want to offer to help with the cost of the wedding, then they will offer.
Post # 4
IMHO, you don’t ask for money. Either they offer it unsolicted, or you pay for your own wedding.
Post # 5
- Wedding: October 2014 - Our Backyard/Steakhouse
c4rr134nn: You don’t.
Plan the wedding you can afford, if parents decided to chip in then consider that a bonus but it’s rude to assume or imply that someone else should be paying for your party.
Post # 6
Thank your for the comments. You are all right. I would never be comfortable asking for money from him. I just read on a couple of the wedding timeline planning things that right after you get engaged to sit down with parents to discuss budget. Maybe that was okay many years ago but it just doesnt feel right to straight up ask for money. Thanks!
Post # 7
I would just sit down to discuss the date you were thinking and tell him youre trying to figure out the budget so you can start planning and see what he says. If he says “yeah good luck with that!” Or stays mum on the topic that’s your answer!
Post # 8
If you can’t afford something, don’t book it. If someone wants to contribute, they will let you know.
Post # 9
I agree with many of the PPs. I would never bring up money with my parents, nor would my SO. Plan a budget based on what you can afford, and if they offer to help during the process, it makes things easier on your pocket!
Post # 10
I think you do this through the guest list, and I would not book anything without hammering out your guest list! Let your father know he’s been allocated X amount of guests to invite. If he wants to invite more, tell him it’s not in your current budget. He’s then welcome to suggest contributing.
Post # 11
Agreed – I would never ask my side of the family to help but some have already offered to either make a dish or help plan/decorate. My FMIL offered money as soon as we got engaged!
If your fam wants to help, they will let you know! We are still working with a budget for what we want to spend and then any extra we get from family will just be taken off of our budget, not added on! This also prevents you from not getting everything promised
I’ve had a few people who’s families retracted their offer after they had budgeted for what they were promised so they had to take a few things out of their wedding last minute. Not saying your family would ever do this intentionally but you never know how life is going to work out
Post # 12
- Wedding: May 2015 - The Fairmont, SF
Unlike some bees, I see no problem with discussing your budget with your parents. After I told my mom that I would be getting married, I sent her links to our venues and some dresses that I liked. She asked some questions and then immediately offered to cover certain things, such as my dress, the church, flowers, and the DJ. I hadn’t expected that and thanked her. Later, because she hadn’t given me any firm figures, I asked if she still felt comfortable paying for those things and what I should budget towards each category. She gave me firm figures at that point and said to call her when X needs booking/purchasing.
Maybe some bees will find it rude that I asked so directly but I have a really open relationship with my mom. We’ve always been able to talk about money freely because of how close we are but perhaps if you don’t have that kind of connection, it’d be better to wait for him to offer. It also is wise to plan what you can afford so you don’t have to worry later. (Even if my mom backed out, our wedding would still be covered, for instance.)
Post # 13
c4rr134nn: OK, I kind of know what you mean. I knew my parents would definitely contribute something, but had no idea how much. The way I handled it was by working out what we could afford, and then beginning looking at venues on-line on that basis. We would have been able to spend around £12k in total on the wedding and honeymoon, and rings, and so we were looking at about £8k to spend on the wedding itself. With this budget we were able to get exclusive use of a selection of lovely pubs with nice grounds and settings as well as food.
I then spoke to my parents (I little easier as I live with them so we talk daily anyway) about what I’d found (and I was actually quite excited BTW; this wasn’t me trying to double-bluff them by offering something I felt they would hate, I thought they’d be pleased with what I found). They basically vetoed the whole pub idea and I said that’s fine, but that’s all we can afford. They then said they wanted to contribute and asked me to look at venues that they considered more ‘appropriate’ and get prices. Once I’d shortlisted a few we could see we were looking at around £10-12k for the venue, food, drink and flowers, then likely another £5k for other basics (photography, cake, music and outfits) and they were happy to go ahead on that basis.
Their contribution ended up being around £25k, with ours standing at £10k (we paid for the honeymoon, rings, OH’s outfit, part of my outfit, bridal party gifts, and some of the stationery).
So, my advice would be to do as we did; work out what you and your OH can comfortably afford, and proceed on that basis. Then meet with your parents to show them your ideas (the big things I’d cover would be venue, and guest list, as these will be the biggest deciding factors in terms of cost). They may well decide to offer you something at that point (and if they do, do ask that they’re specific otherwise you can’t really plan); if they don’t, I would assume that they aren’t going to contribute and would proceed based on that assumption. If then they offer you money down the line, you can always use that to ‘upgrade’ certain things/buy extras that aren’t in your current budget.
Post # 14
- Wedding: October 2011 - Bed & Breakfast
You don’t. You plan a wedding that you can afford to pay for all by yourselves. If anyone offers any money or to pay for a particular element, then it’s a bonus. But if they don’t, you know that you are having a wedding you can comfortably afford. That way, even if that promised money never appears (a situation we’ve seen far too often on this forum), you are still okay and not in a complete panic.
Post # 15
Like PP stated. Plan a wedding that YOU can afford. Even if your parents offer money, still plan like you don’t have it… Bc it could always fall through