(Closed) How to bring up money to parents?

posted 6 years ago in Money
Post # 16
Member
46 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: April 2015

I’m gonna disagree with some PPs here, just based on the fact that you say you know he will contribute. I was in a similar situation, know our parents won’t pay for it all but they will pay for certain things. My dad is VERY quiet and won’t offer you a bagel if he has a dozen but if you ask he will give so I knew I’d have to ask. 

I suggest telling him (#1 choice in person, else over the phone) that you are trying to book things in advance/soon and that you want to make a responsible choice with your budget and not commit to something you can’t afford. Did he think he’d be able to help contribute to (venue, catering, dress, whatever)? 

It IS awkward theres no way around it but once its said it’s out there. Worst case scenario he says, I wish we could but I can’t, and it’s at least done then, no more questions.

Also of note, he might not have a lump sum of $$ now he can give you, but giving him notice (if your weddings not for a year, big expenses might not come up for 6 months) might encourage him that he could save.

Good luck!

Post # 17
Member
2890 posts
Sugar bee

c4rr134nn:  I wouldn’t dare to ask my parents or my future in-laws. We will get the wedding we can (and want to) afford, which to us is around 5K. If my parents or his had money to give us, they would have offered immediately, but they didn’t.

I don’t like when people assume their parents are ”well-off”, thus able to contribute. Even if this is true, it still doesn’t entitle them to their wallet. 

Post # 18
Member
2704 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

If your dad has previously offered or mentioned contributing to your wedding, then I don’t see anything wrong with saying “Hey dad, we are working on our budget and I remember you mentioning that you wanted to help.  Is that still the case?  Is there anything you wanted to contribute?”  But he would have had to have offered, say, within the past year or two – not when you were 13.

Otherwise, I agree with PPs that you can’t politely ask for money.  Hopefully, though, your dad will just offer something (they usually do if they plan to contribute).

Post # 19
Member
345 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

Woah,  this is nuts.  I can’t *believe* the number of Bees who think it’s rude to talk to your *PARENTS* about money.  My god.  Does everyone just have really bad relationships with their parents?  I can’t imagine that being rude at all.  To expect or cajole maybe.  But to have a converstation with your PARENTS.. about almost anything does not seem RUDE to me. 

That said, the way we handled it was figuing out what we could afford ourselves, figuring out what the average wedding prices in the area is, and then talked to my parents and his mom (his are divorced, dad estranged) and basically said, “We of course don’t *expect* anything from you and are prepared to do this on our own, but we wanted to ask if it was something that you wanted to contributite to, so that we could plan appropriately.”

I don’t think that’s rude at all.  To a grandparent or aunt or someone maybe, but to your own parents?  I was raised that I could go to them for anything.  They might not be able to help, but I can talk to my mom about anything.

(For anyone who cares, what we ultimately did, which was my mom’s idea, was split ti 3 ways: us, my parents, and his mom and we agreeded on a ceiling budget for that, which I made sure to come in under.  It worked out really nicely for everyone, and allowed us to have the wedding we wanted and still have enough to splurge on our honeymoon!)

Post # 20
Member
1670 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: Disneyland - January 2016

I’m going to play devil’s advocate here and go with that it all depends on your relationship with your parents. Yes, it IS good to budget and plan for a wedding that you guys can afford all by yourself, and that’s essentially what me and my SO are doing. But there’s no denying it would all be so much easier if we just had a little bit of help from our parents, so we are going to ask. I think the way to go about it is not to expect too much, and to possibly have something specific in mind. For me, right now my biggest hurdle is my dress. So that specifically is what I’m going to ask my parents for help with. I won’t ask for them to pay for the entire thing, but I will ask (not expectantly, again, if they say no I will still have another route I can take to pay for it myself) if they would like to contribute toward it.

I know some people find this rude. But different strokes for different folks. I was surprised that in my SO’s culture it’s absolutely expected for his family to contribute financially (or to purchase specific items like unity candles, knives, etc.) to the wedding-his sister’s already offered and we’re not even engaged yet! So it really depends on your circumstances. I have a very close relationship with my parents and I know when I ask for help they aren’t going to view me as some spoiled ungrateful devil child.

 

Post # 22
Member
4242 posts
Honey bee

Eradicatereality:  I have a great relationship with my parents (and my future inlaws). No WAY would I ask them how much that plan to contribute to my wedding- ick.

Sorry, but I feel like if you’re grown up enough to get married and want to have a party, then you should be prepared to pay for it yourself. If your parents want to help and you accept, fine, but asking for someone else to finance or contribute before they offer is kind of rude, no matter how close you are to them.

Post # 23
Member
40 posts
Newbee

 I think all the bees made great points and I respect the comments. But I agree with the bees that say you should not be afraid to openly discuss money.

My parents and I are extremely close so I was not hesitant to bring finances up. Looking back on it now, I think I could have waited until they brought it up, but I was getting overwhelmed very quickly because I had no idea where to begin or what kind of budget we were going to have. My parents know me very well and I don’t think they thought I was rude…if it was anyone else besides my parents then yes I would agree that it is rude to bring it up. But for parents, I think they know you and know your not a rude person and not to mention most parents probably expect that when a wedding comes up, that so will these kind of questions regarding finances.

Good Luck with your planning and CONGRATS on the engagement!!!!!

 

Post # 24
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

Speaking as a 50 year old parent of two kids in their late twenties, I can tell you that kids tend to think they are the apple of mommy and daddy’s eye and can do no wrong but the fact is, that just isn’t true. You might think your parents didn’t find your requests for money rude but, just because they didn’t tell you it was rude, doesn’t mean they didn’t think it was rude. Or that they didn’t discuss amongst themselves that it was rude.

And there is no world in which saying “How much money can you give me?” isn’t rude. You might have the kind of relationship where you have given yourself permission to be that rude or where you don’t call each other out on being so incredibly presumptuous and rude. But that doesn’t make it not-rude. So posters who are saying *I have the kind of open, honest relationship with my parents were I can ask them for money and specifically ask how much money they are going to give me* what you’re really saying is *I have the kind of relationship where this level of rudeness is accepted*.

I shudder when I hear kids say “Are you going to buy me something?” or “Will you buy me something?” or “What did you get me?” or “Did you get me something?” or “Can I have some money?”. When I hear a grown person say that, I go beyond shuddering and straight into jawdropping. It is spoiled behavior and is truly distasteful. But of course, a person who engages in that behavior does not want to see themselves that way, despite all the overwhelming evidence that it is, indeed, distastful, spoiled, greedy behavior.

Post # 25
Member
6431 posts
Bee Keeper

interchangeable:  this 10000+

i have a great relationship with my mom and I tell her everything but would I ask her to pay for my wedding? No. she insisted on paying for the reception. I kept saying no it was too much and that she had given us enough but she pushed and pushed to at least pay for this. Which we greatly appreciated. But I never asked her once expecting her to pay for it. 

Post # 26
Member
2108 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: September 2015

I think it depends on your relationship with them. I will not be asking my family for money, but if they offer great. My budget is planned without any other contributions than my SO and I. If you and your family are close i would just mention you are trying to set up a budget and see what they say.

Post # 27
Member
722 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: January 2014

I have always thought discussing budget and expecting any type of help at all for the wedding budget is out of line.  Why would I expect my parents to pay for what equals to a big party?  I know the wedding industry wants everyone to believe otherwise.  And I know this is a wedding site.  But, my parents are not rich.  For example – even asking my parents to drop $500 dollars on flowers would be out of line in my book.  I know how long it takes my father to make $500 dollars.  What I truly feel is that if someone can’t swing the wedding budget on their own then don’t do it.  Money is hard to make and hard to come by.

Post # 28
Member
964 posts
Busy bee

I hear this so often now, people mid-twenties who say things like *my parents spoil me rotten* and *my parents want me to have this-that-or-the-other* or *I can ask my parents for just about anything and they will do it/get it for me*. It’s astounding. Just because someone will do it for you doesn’t mean you should take advantage of that and suck that well dry. Yeesh. Ugh. How are people so completely oblivious to how unattractive that is?? Oh yeah. Becasue they’re too busy preening about how they’re *totally worth it* to recognize how incredibly selfish it is.

To keep using ones parents as a personal bank account and never-empty wallet past 18 years of age just smacks of *your only purpose on this earth is to fund me and make me happy*. How someone can treat another human being as nothing but a funding source – with absolutely zero care or concern about what it takes for that human to earn those funds – is self-absorbed beyond comprehension. To expect one’s parents to do it and have the attitude of *they like doing it for me. It makes them happy* is delusions of grandeur at its finest. How unbelievably full of oneself can you get??

 

ETA: in other words, to be aware that one’s parents will do anything for them and to then use that to one’s personal gain and advantage? Ick. If you do this, you are an icky icky spoiled selfish icky person.

Post # 29
Member
466 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: October 2015

We plan to fund our wedding on our own. However, both my FI’s family and my grandmother have offered financial help. And my mother is completely insisting that she contribute. She also is pushing me to ask my father about his contribution. They’re divorced and this has always been a topic….ugh! I’m so uncomfortable with the concept but I do plan to say to him “Dad, nothing will change based on your answer….but Mom, Grandma, and FI’s parents want to contribute to the cost of our wedding. I need to at least ask you if you have any intention of helping, since everyone else seems so intent on it.”<br /><br />I don’t care what the status quo is, or if I’ll be judged, or if tradition says my family pays for everything….what works for me might not work for others. If my father gives me a $5 bill and tells me to eff off, it won’t kill our relationship. lol

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