(Closed) How to bring up proposal regret to FI

posted 6 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
9824 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

Do you want to marry the man? Complaining about the proposal now would be a bad move. He was probably really nervous. Not every guy’s style is to organize a flash mob under the Eiffel tower. If you’re dissatisfied with other aspects if the relationship address them, but don’t make it about the proposal. 

Post # 4
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Well, if it makes you feel better I think it’s normal to kinda get the blues after getting engaged…..just like some people get the  blues after getting hitched…because you have a picture in your mind of how it will be and it’s kinda hard to live up to. I think once you settle into being engaged you will have no regrets about the way he asked you to marry him. I think it sounds quite sweet actually! 

Maybe you guys should go on a little celebratory trip together or ask your parents or friends if they would be interesting in throwing you an engagement dinner. Traditional or not, everyone wants the experience of getting engaged to feel special. 

It’s probably more likeley your fiance’ didn’t like the cliche’ act of getting on one knee (most girls love it though)…and it really wasn’t him fighting tradition. I love traditoin…but there are some traditions that just give me that oh so cliche’/corny feeling that I dont’ like…like when the couple link arms to drink their champagne…ack! that’s one of mine.  

Sounds like you will need to find a nice balance of tradition and YOU that works for your wedding. You will figure it all out. If you just got engaged, relax…youd on’t have to figure it out right this second. 

Enjoy your engagement. 

 

My advice is not to complain to him about your engagement. I don’t see what good could come of it. I think you should give yourself some time, your feelings are normal. 

Post # 5
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

I would address the other “issues” and maybe discuss what is making you unhappy and what you would like to add to your relationship. However I would not make it about the proposal, it is something that already happened and you cant change the past, maybe he is shy or maybe he thought that thay was the best thing to do since you are not a romanticish couple? 

Re the non traditional wedding, I guess that most guys know that we gals dream about this day alot so maybe he said that because he wanted to make sure that, it is what you really want and you do not regret it in the future? 

Post # 6
Member
1697 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2012

I tend to over share my feelings and emotions, that being said I’ve learned the hard way that not everything needs to be shared or said. I guess it depends on a lot of circumstances, is your Fiance sensitive, would he get butt hurt over it? Proposing is a BIG deal to any guy, though his proposal may be casual there is nothing casual or non chalant about asking someone to spend their life with you. If you must spill your heart out to him about be armed with what you want him to do about it. No matter how close or intimate acouple are, no one is a mind reader. Maybe instead of coming out and saying “it really bothers me that you didn’t get down on one knee, I’m feeling like things are blah right now, say, “I know I said I’m not the type to need romance and big gestures, but babe, I’m feeling all emotional from our proposal and I need a huge romantic gesture to pick me up! In that approach you aren’t potentially hurting him, or sounding wishy washy, you are telling him exactly what you need and want right now. Telling him your are disappointed in your proposal can be very easily Be harsh no matter how gentle you say it. Unless you know he won’t take it the wrong way. If you’re hemming and hawing about it though my guess is he might not take it well. Im just thinking guys like to DO stuff, take action, fix it. Hearing their proposal was a let down may just leave him feeling like he failed. I know my Fiance would be devestated if I told him that. Anyway, not sure it’s goodadvice but I do hope you get your romance!!

Post # 7
Member
914 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Your proposal sounds a lot like mine, but I had to crying kids thrown in the mix. But to me, that was romantic. Because it was spontaneous and it was how we normally live.

I totally agree that no good can come of you telling him you were disappointed in the proposal.

Post # 8
Member
613 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2014 - Historic cinema

How about suggesting to him that you do something romantic to celebrate your engagement? Ask him for ideas of what you could do or try and “steer” him lol

I get what you mean, I’m always suggesting romantic things Manfriend can do for me! He does want to be more romantic so he doesn’t mind…I think!

Post # 9
Member
22 posts
Newbee

It sounds like you guys arn’t really on the same page at all, when it comes to this stuff. 

I had a very “boring” proposal too – after we spent a few weeks picking out a ring, it was ordered, and he even told me the day it arrived at the jewler. A few days later, when sitting on the bed at home, he asked me. But.. to be honest, it was perfect for “US”.

You need to be on the same page when it comes to romance, and you both need to be putting in the effort to meet each other’s expectations. If you have different expectations,  but don’t communicate them, then you’ll just continue to be dissappointed. Figure out what really matters to you *and tell him*.

To answer your question: If you think you should site your proposal as an example of this Effort/Romance lacking or your expectations, then yes, you do need to tell him. If you can communicate your feelings without using it as an example, that’s probably better.

Good Luck!

Post # 10
Member
9955 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: December 2012

Your proposal sounds a lot like mine… there was no big scene, and in fact Hubby-2-B didn’t really ask, he just said “Maybe we should do that” when he saw a Bride & Groom on our vacation in Myrtle Beach… I said “Really” and he said “Ya… you should look into it”

I never really saw him as the Get Down On One Knee kind of guy… but I do admit, that I might have liked something well a bit more “romantic”

We pick up my ring this weekend from the Jewellers, and I’m going to hint that we should perhaps do something special to celebrate the occasion.

Not sure WHAT or WHEN, but I feel that will make it more special…

Honestly you could do something the same… talk to him about finding a way to celebrate this monumental occasion in your life… “Agreeing to spend the rest of your lives together”

Can really happen anytime up to when you get married.

Thinking that I might want to do an Engagement Photo shoot as well… seeing as we don’t have many pictures with both of us together in them

 

Post # 12
Member
49 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: September 2012

There is no constructive way to tell him, so I wouldn’t if I were you… but if you’re like me (semi passive aggressive) you may end up blurting it out to him during your next argument.

My fiance’s proposal wasn’t very impressive either and for some reason I felt the need to email this to him during a fight.  It really hurt him and there was nothing he could do to go back and fix it.  I can’t go back on what I said to him either.

Edit: I just read your follow up and there is way more going on here than romance and the proposal.  I would leave the proposal in the past and work on what is going on now before you get married (easier said than done).
 

Post # 13
Member
102 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: September 2012

@futuremrste:  

I The criticism seems more troubling than just a lackof gestures. Not everyone does Romance. My Fiance doesn’t. But getting married is about being on the same page and declaring to the world that henceforth, you’ll put us over me. If you feel undermined by him now, that’s a bit worrying. Can you talk to him about what’s going on? Maybe he just feels stressed about the planning.

Post # 14
Member
332 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

I wouldn’t tell him you’re disappointed in the proposal. You should talk to him about you’re other feelings. As the pp said make suggestions and maybe plan something romantic to celebrate.

Post # 15
Member
2125 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

Sorry, I can see what’s really going on here is that chronic critisism has made it’s way into your relationship….critisism KILLS relationships, you two are going to have to learn how to communicate better, stop the critisizing and nagging and be more of a positive force than someone you are constantly trying to please or trying to win with.

Relationships obviously aren’t about doing everything your told, exactly they way you are told, and having them done exactly when you need them done. I think we all experience this at one point or another and yes, it’s INFURIATING…when your partner  has such demands and so little appreciation for your efforts. 

I think maybe you guys are just going through a rough patch  but I’d suggest counseling before moving forward with the wedding. 

Post # 16
Member
1431 posts
Bumble bee

Since there is no re-doing a proposal I wouldn’t dwell on that but it sounds like you do need to communicate better with him on what you want. Guys will never read our minds. ” I don’t need big romantic gestures” translates to ” she does not need big romantic gestures.” If you feel like your at a point in your relationship where you need more thoughtfulness and romance you can voice it or, or better yet show it? Instead of hurting his feelings about the proposal start doing thoughtful sweet things for him and maybe it will rub off on him, or after you do something thoughtful mention how you feel like sweet romantic things is something you think will be important in your marriage so why not start now? You can bring it up in a way without critisizing. I know it’s way easier said than done.. I just blurt out how I am feeling but if you keep stuff inside maybe thats a better route for you.

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