Post # 16
Member
43 posts
Newbee
I Know it’s really hard for some people to talk about things that are important, especially topics that have a ton of emotions attached but it’s better to just jump in and start talking. Be prepared to be disappointed and also be prepared to keep talking about it in a calm way. If it’s important to you, you might have to be the one to bring up the subject multiple times. You both will have to make compromises if you aren’t on the same page. It may not have crossed his mind yet so it’s better to get that thought process going sooner rather than later. It can take some people a while to warm up to “new” ideas, especially when it comes to kids.
Post # 17
Member
7449 posts
Busy Beekeeper
giaf1: Do not “play the waiting game” with this. He is your husband, you should be able to have conversations about this kind of stuff.
Just say “hey, you mentioned wanting kids before you turned 30. You’re turning 30 soon so maybe it’s time we start trying?” You might end up being disappointed by his answer but how much more disappointed are you going to be if at this time next year you still haven’t talked about it?
Post # 18
Member
5161 posts
Bee Keeper
Well, this is definitely a conversation that needed to be had BEFORE marriage. Having children/parenthood should not be assumed, and not everyone wants kids, or wants to have them right after marriage, and so on. Too late for that now, but I do disagree with your implication that people should go ahead and have kids even if not ready as “no one is ever ready”. Plenty of people have good reason not to be ready for, and not to even want kids. And this might include your husband.
My husband and I talked about the kid issue while first dating. Then when we were serious. Then when engaged. Then when married. Several times I am sure. But in our case it was different as I went from “uncertain about kids” to “being certain about not wanting kids EVER”, still, we kept the lines of communication open. I don’t think one of us brought it up all the time, it was just part of our natural conversation (though I do know when I was SURE I did not want them I initiated that “final” conversation).
That you think “playing the waiting game” is a good idea just tells me your communication in your relationship sucks…..badlly. You should be able to bring it up, and thinking he would choke or lose his appetite because you want to talk about something important to you only further affirms either your communication sucks (and I am not just saying you, he is part of that too), or he has indicated somehow he does not want children at all and you are just hoping he has changed his mind. He is your husband, and your life partner: even tough things should be things you can talk about.
Post # 19
Member
579 posts
Busy bee
Why are so many posters think it’s strange you want help on how to approach this topic? FYI this website was created to help us in variety of topics of life and relationships! Giaf1, ask your husband if you guys can talk and tell him what has been on your mind lately. Tell him you think it’s time to lay out a time line on when to start planning on having kids! Good luck
Post # 20
Member
1480 posts
Bumble bee
giaf1: In another thread you said that your Darling Husband “freaks out” any time having babies is brought up…I think that’s a sign that he REALLY isn’t ready, and you can take that as he’s already given you an answer. It doesn’t matter if you both previously stated that you didn’t want kids in your 30’s and he’s reaching that milestone next year, he’s just not ready. If you want to find out why that is and when he thinks he’ll be ready, you’ll have to talk to him.
Post # 21
Member
1229 posts
Bumble bee
giaf1: I don’t think it is a good idea to wait until you are very frustrated. You’ll be building up a lot of resentment and your Darling Husband could be completely oblivious: so when you finally “blow”, he would be totally blindsided. You definitely want this conversation to happen when you are both calm and level-headed: not in the heat of an angry or emotional moment.
I’d personally just catch him at a quiet moment and tell him you want to have a serious conversation about something that has been on your mind. And then tell him all the points you’ve made above (him turning 30 soon, you changing your mind about your living arrangements) and ask how he feels. However if you think it would be too hard to have the conversation face to face, maybe write him a note/email? Sometimes its easier to say exactly what you mean on paper – I know my words can sometimes get stuck in my throat when I feel strongly (happy OR sad) about something.
Prepare yourself to hear a response you may not like, but try to understand where your husband is coming from as well. If you guys have completely opposing positions though, this is definitely something you want to know sooner rather than later..
Post # 22
Member
2063 posts
Buzzing bee
I don’t think there is really any way to bring this up other than being direct. With my fiance we had touched on having kids earlier in our relationship. Then one day I just sat him down and said here is my next pack of bcp, what I would like to do is not take them and start charting my cycle, use condoms, prevent until after our wedding but I want to get a feel for if I ovulate and I want to start trying when we get married. We discussed that even if we started trying then it would be at least 10 months before a baby actually existed, probably longer. This was in May, 3 months before our wedding. He was nervous and said he hadn’t really thought about our ages or about trying right away but he understood what I was saying and felt okay with it. I think it would be best to talk to your husband ASAP b/c he probably isn’t on the same page now but might be able to get there with a few months warning. Or, you might get your feelings hurt but I think you will be closer to having a baby if you start honestly bringing it up and getting him more used to the idea.
Post # 23
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
Thank you ladies. It’s wierd because we communicate really great with each other and tell each other everything with the exception of this and the marriage thing. I think anything that’s life changing for either of us is difficult to bring up. We talk about buying a house, where we will live, and all those etc scenarios all the time but for some reason I guess because I made the mistake of not bringing it up in the beginning it’s hard to do it now. Also we dated for 4 years before I had to pressure him into me meeting his family for the first time (even though we were very young at the time). He has a difficult time making big steps and I have a difficult time bringing things up until I’m frustrated about it. I guess it’s not the best situation. he freaks out when I kid around and bring up babies/kids for myself but yet he goes out of his way to point out how cute a baby across the restaurant is. It doesn’t make sense.
Post # 24
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
giaf1: pointing out cute babies and wanting them for yourself are two different things. It could be a good sign, but you really won’t know for sure until you guys have the convo.
Post # 25
Member
4062 posts
Honey bee
I think panda bears are cute. But I don’t want one as a pet.
Honestly, if you can’t have this conversatio then you aren’t ready to have kids. Because the conversations get a lot harder when you need fertility treatments, or if your child has health issues, etc.
Post # 26
Member
337 posts
Helper bee
Next time he points out a cute baby, just say “Just wait until you meet ours next year!”
THAT will get the conversation started…….
Post # 27
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
He’s mentioned before how his health insurance doesn’t cover infertility testing or treatments so maybe he’s scared to talk about it and scared to try because if we need fertility treatments it’ll cost a lot and be a disappointment. Maybe to avoid the disappointment he’s avoiding the issue
Post # 28
Member
5889 posts
Bee Keeper
beatlesluvr: hahahha. Winner.
Post # 29
Member
328 posts
Helper bee
I tried starting to bring it up by saying how lonely and quiet our home is with just the 2 of us since we got married and moved from our parents house but still no feedback. I know guys aren’t mind readers and maybe I’m hoping he is so he speaks up and alleviates my pressure to bring it up, but wouldn’t he think it would be applicable to mention it then at that point
Post # 30
Member
2018 posts
Buzzing bee
I think you can just say ‘hey, maybe our apartment has room for a crib after all? When do You want to start trying to get pregnant?’
Member