(Closed) How to bring up when to have kids / TTC conversation to husband?

posted 4 years ago in TTC
Post # 34
Member
337 posts
Helper bee

giaf1:  Definitely say “Yeah let me know how cute ours is when we have one next year” and then if he doesn’t say anything (which I am sure he will say something cuz how could he not) just say “Well you said you wanted one by 30 so time’s tickin’  get to stickin’.”  😉

Post # 35
Member
1230 posts
Bumble bee

giaf1:  I agree a joke is the easiest way to start the topic but please don’t assume joking about it – even if he jokes back in a positive way (“haha if they look like me, they will be really cute!”) – counts as a serious commitment to having kids in the timeframe you want.

Post # 36
Member
3040 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

Honestly, I feel like if you guys were able to get married…having these discussions are something you both should be very capable of. It’s not wise to wait for him to bring it up (he’s not going to judging from his things have played out already). Just bring it up in a comfortable setting (at home) and be frank. Talk about it…

If you can’t talk with your partner then there’s bigger issues.

Post # 37
Member
492 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: December 2014

I find it odd that this is a conversation you don’t know how to bring up. This is a standard (and major) marital talking point. It’s not like your broaching some wild and crazy subject like moving to Costa Rica to pursue alpaca farming or bringing a second husband into the relationship. Can’t you just say, “hey Darling Husband, when do you think we should start trying to conceive? I was thinking in the next year because xyz, what are your thoughts?”

Post # 38
Member
455 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2016 - Hunting Hill Mansion

When you say that you “never brought it up before the wedding” do you mean you never brought up having children at all or you never brought up the timeline? Because those are two totally different things. My Fiance and I have discussed the idea of having children but definitley not a timeline because it’s impossible to predict exactly where we will be after I finish school. But so long as you’ve had the general “we want kids” talk, I don’t see what’s stopping you from swigging a glass of wine down at dinner and saying hey, dude, when are we doing this?

Post # 39
Member
3169 posts
Sugar bee

Yeah I don’t think joking about it is enough. My husband and I talk about our future kid – we even have a name for her- but have absolutely no solid plans to have one an may not have any kids ever. So he may participate in the banter but it may not mean what you think it means. 

since you said he might lose his appetite at dinner etc and it may be awkward I would approach it like this. One night soon, over say a glass of wine while we’re watching tv* I would say “hey I’ve been thinking. We’ve spoken about having kids when you’re in you’re 30s and with your birthday coming up, I would like to talk seriously about a timeframe which works for both of us. what were your thoughts on timing?”. If he asked me questions I would be crystal clear on my wants. If he was uncomfortable answering I wokld say “it’s a big decision. Why don’t you take a couple of days to think about it and we can chat some more on <day>?”. 

I just think this is a pretty serious topic and shouldn’t be put off hoping it’ll all work out because it may not. But then, I don’t agree with anyone being hounded to the point that it becomes something yucky to think about – it should be an exciting next step you plan together 

* apparently uncomfortable conversations are easier to have when you’re both facing forward, as opposed to sitting opposite each other 🙂 

Post # 41
Member
6674 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

I tend to agree with PP that this is something that should really be discussed before marriage. That’s not to say that people cannot change; they can, and circumstances can change, etc. But most people want to have a grip on whether their future spouse wants children, how many they had in mind, when/timeline, and possibly even how to educate and rear said children. That is a huge component of getting married for many people, and it’s a conversation that is crucial.

So, I wouldn’t joke and hope it opens up a serious discussion; I’d approach him directly. Tell him that you had been considering expanding the family, and wanted to know how he felt about that. If he isn’t ready or lists reasons he is not ready, discuss those reasons and then propose a timeline. I think this is a discussion you should have sooner rather than later, and you should not wait until you are frustrated to blind-side him with the idea. Bring it up calmly and rationally and see what kind of real decisions the two of you can make.

Post # 42
Member
5159 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

Mrs. Meowerson:  This. One of my coworkers loves young babies. She adores them and will seek them out to hold and cuddle and so on. She also does not want kids EVER. 

giaf1:  You seem to do a LOT of assuming or guessing as to why he may not want to talk about it, or why he might be nervous. Stop doing this and just talk to him. Let him tell you what he is thinking. No, he is not a mind reader, and neither are you, and neither are we. 

Post # 43
Member
5159 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

giaf1:  “But not being ready to try now is fine it’s just that if he’s not ready to try he isn’t the type to be ready for the conversation”

Huh? Just because he is not ready to try now does not mean he can’t be ready to talk about when he might be ready, and it does not mean you should just avoid the topic altogether. People have conversations about future plans and goals, and desires, ALL the time. And again, you are assuming something based on something that might have been a joke, or might not have been. 

This dynamic you seem to have of tip toeing around issues and guessing what the other might be thinking or wanting sounds exhausting. And at this rate, is going to leave you at 40+ still wondering when he is going to bring uo having kids.

Post # 44
Member
2766 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

“Hey babe. There’s something I’ve been wanting to talk to you about. Before we got married we talked about having kids when you were in your 30s, but it seems to me like that milestone is approaching and you’ve gotten more reticent about baby talk than before. You’re super careful with our birth control and you say things like which makes me think that you don’t want to have kids yet. Let’s talk about this. Do you want to have children? What would be your ideal timeline to have children? …. Ok now let me tell you what my ideal timeline would be: I’d like to have kids before I’m X years old because .”

My suggestion would be that you tell him about your desires but realize this: you have been making plans with yourself and your mother on having a child. Not your husband. There’s something very wrong with that Bee.

Post # 45
Member
2394 posts
Buzzing bee

MrsHarryDresden:  This. 

And then when he says “I envision us having kids when we’re in our early 40’s, so in ten plus years from now.” And you say “I envision us TTC in the next few months and having a child next year.” DON’T FREAK OUT. You’re going to need to be just as accepting of his timeline, as you expect him to be of yours. 

You’re going to need to stay calm, and have a serious conversation that goes something like this: “I see that we’re on totally different pages about our timelines. Why don’t you tell me your reasons for wanting to TTC in ten years, and I’ll tell you my reasons for wanting to start to TTC now. Then, let’s see if we can come to a compromise that works for both of us.” 

Try not to cry and get upset. You know that his timeline isn’t any time soon. Prepare yourself for what comes next, after he tells you that directly.

Also, the longer you wait to have this conversation, the longer the timeline is being pushed. Talk to him Bee. That’s the only way.

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