(Closed) How to bring up when to have kids / TTC conversation to husband?

posted 4 years ago in TTC
Post # 46
183 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2018

I find it really odd that you don’t just say something like “Hey Hon, I’ve been thinking lately, and I was wondering if we could talk about when we might want to have kids.”

Post # 48
77 posts
Worker bee

It’s time to rip the Band-aid off. You have plenty of people here telling you to be direct, so now it’s time to do it. I totally understand that it’s uncomfortable, but it has to be done. As much as it would hurt to get an answer that you don’t like, it would be way worse to still be in this position a few years from now, knowing that you could have ended the uncertainty. 

Just come right out and say: “I am keen to have kids and would like to start trying to conceive within [insert timeframe here]. But this is a decision we need to make as a couple, so how do you feel about this?” I think keeping your initial spiel short is beneficial because you don’t want to overwhelm him with information, but at the same time, stating upfront how you feel tells him exactly where you stand.

I find that having difficult conversations can be made easier by initiating them whilst doing a manual task like folding washing, cleaning up, or cooking dinner. I feel it helps the words to flow because you don’t feel obligated to make direct eye-contact. Your husband would also feel less cornered than if you took him out to dinner or had the conversation whilst walking or driving. My SO and I use long walks and drives as an opportunity to chew the fat on difficult topics, but because we’ve been doing it for years we expect it. This could be a good way to host a follow-up discussion.

I agree that you shouldn’t place too much pressure on him to give you an answer straight away, but set up a specific day and time to follow it up; otherwise he may not bring it up again.

Good luck. You can do it.

Post # 49
382 posts
Helper bee

My guess is that he is doubting having kids at all. He wanted to have them before 30 yet failed to achieve what he felt he needed in order to have them (house, stable income, savings, etc.), and he could also have discovered some benefits of being CFBC. I think he has sort of let you know that, but hasn’t been very open about it and given that you don’t insist on the topic he might believe you are either on the same page or don’t care about kids of your own. On a side note, the “how quiet and calm the house is with just us two” comment would personally make me thinkbyou enjoy not having kids.

If you have trouble speaking to him about the topic, why not write him a letter addressing your concerns and emotions and asking for his reply. You’d avoid direct conversation but still communicate.

And about being scared of getting hurt, I’d say that the longer you take to ask him about having kids the more it will hurt. The worst he could say is “I don’t want kids”, and yet I truly believe that’d be less hurtful than you waiting until you’re 50 only to discovere you can’t have kids anymore. ALSO, having kids HURT (or so I am told) so what is a little bit of practice?

Post # 50
2035 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: August 2015

Walk over to him and say, “Hey, let’s talk about when we’re going to start trying for a baby.”

Post # 51
5159 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: January 2010

newlywednewbie:  Yeah, I get the impression he may be leaning (at the least) towards not having kids and since he has not HAD to voice it, and OP won’t bring the topic up herself, he is just letting time do the work for him. Nothing in particular makes me thing this, just the total sum of things in this and other posts. He is sloppy with BC for someone who does not want kids (pulling out etcetera) but maybe he got snipped and never told her (communication seems to not be their forte here).

All the more reason though OP needs to just bring it up as ignoring it is not going to make the uncertainty go away, or change his mind if he is not interested. Better to know what you are dealing with in reality than keep wondering in hypotheticals and so on.

Post # 53
887 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: February 2012

What’s worse: being disappointed with his response but now the gates are open for more conversation OR not saying anything and potentially never having children because you waited too long? If you think you’re old enough to be a mother, you need to be old enough to have uncomfortable conversations. 

With my husband, I have been very clear about my plans for babies. He is younger than me, and there was a certain amount of my having to wait for him to “be ready” but I was very clear that I expect babies before a certain time. There were some uncertain days in the very beginning because he was scared of everything I expected, but if we had not had those conversations, I don’t think we would have been as tight as we are, and possibly not even married.

After we got married, I was very blunt. “Our new apt needs to be 2 bedrooms in case we need a nursery” or sometimes I would just say, “Let’s make a baby tonight” Sure, he rolled his eyes sometimes but there was no miscommunication. Eventually we came up with a timeline. He was ok with NTNP but ideally preferred to wait a year. I got my BFP 12 days after our 1 year anniversary… 

Post # 54
124 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

I think it’s okay to start the conversation with a joke but I wouldn’t make it sarcastic. First, he’s likely to not “get it” and if he does then the tone of the converstion is already kind of aggressive.

I agree with PPs that maybe he’s changed his mind about kids completely. I just got married and my Darling Husband brought up our previously-decided TTC timeline on our honeymoon. It makes sense if you were recently married that the actual timeline (even if in the distant future) would be on your DH’s mind. The fact that it’s not is kind of concerning to me.

For most of us I think this is a topic that isn’t discussed and decided in one conversation. I think it should probably come up several times, timeline set, periodic check-ins that you’re still on the same page, etc before you actually start trying. The longer you wait to address it the longer it will take to get there and you want to be really sure that he’s not feeling dragged into the decision and is really committed. I think every relationship I’ve seen where one partner felt pushed into parenthood has ultimately failed so take his feelings into consideration and really listen to what he tells you, even if it’s not what you want to hear. Play the long game here. You want to both be all in on your decision to TTC.

Post # 55
891 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Should have had that conversation long before you were married, but people have already told you that. 

You need to be able to speak openly with your husband. Why would you marry someone if you’re afraid of asking them a simple question? 

And you can certainly try for a summer baby, but these things don’t always follow your personal agenda. 

Post # 56
1590 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: April 2017

giaf1:  It’s hard to say without knowledge of you and your husband. I can share my own experience though. My Fiance and I have some very definite things that need to happen before TTC – the wedding, moving to a bigger place, and I need to get off contract and onto ongoing status at work. When all of those things happen, I reckon I’m just going to say to him directly “so, the obstacles are out of the way, when should I go off the pill?”. However, I’d be confident in saying that because we have discussed this extensively, we know we want children, and we know we want them sooner rather than later.

If you are not confident that your Darling Husband wants kids soon – or even at all – it needs to be discussed sooner rather than later. Don’t hint at it – if your Darling Husband is anything like my Fiance, the hints will go sailing over his head and you’ll be sitting there like “what is the matter with you!”. You might get your feelings hurt if his timeline turns out to be different from yours, but the conversation has to be direct and soon.

Post # 57
1265 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: City, State

I think you are just overthinking things. Start with “I think I’m ready for a baby. What do you think?” and take it from there. Good luck!  🙂

Post # 60
1980 posts
Buzzing bee

It’s just a conversation. Words. Exchanging of information and expectations. Why are you both so afraid?

Do you realize that having children will require MANY MANY MANY awkward/hurtful/distressing conversations down the road?

You two need to get on the same page about this ASAP, and leave the tip-toeing for something else.

“Honey, I wanted to talk about having kids. We talked briefly about starting before you were 30, but that means starting now. How do you feel about that? Do you think we’re ready? What needs to happen before you feel comfortable TTC?” And go from there.

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