(Closed) How to bring up when to have kids / TTC conversation to husband?

posted 4 years ago in TTC
Post # 61
Member
7716 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

OP, I get where you’re coming from. I also have a hard time initiating conversations when my gut is telling me I may not be happy with how the convo goes. Is this healthy or productive? No, but it is human, and I’m sure all the PPs smugly telling you your communication sucks and this should be easy as pie have occasionally struggled with big things like this too.

Unfortunately, as I think you know, you really do just need to rip off the bandaid and have the difficult conversation. I don’t really think it matters how you bring up the subject…it’s not like bringing it up jokingly versus seriously is going to impact his opinion on the subject. I would do it in a calm moment when you’re at home, and try very hard to stay calm, and be prepared to compromise. From reading your posts, I get the vibe that your husband does want kids, but like many men, he isn’t feeling the pressure time-wise and is not remotely in the mindset right now. All you can do is talk to him about what you want, and hope that eventually he will come on board. 

 

Post # 62
Member
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

giaf1:  why hasn’t this been brought up BEFORE getting married? You should know if you married someone who you know wants to have kids. The topic of when to TTC shouldn’t be hard to bring up if you know he wants kids

Post # 64
Member
6524 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: September 2013

giaf1:  i don’t think following tradition has anything to do with knowing your life partners plan in life. You don’t get married to someone who you don’t know what their goals in life are, bc they should be compatible with yours. I was very traditional as well, graduate, get a job, get engaged, get married, move in together, then plan to have a baby. But there were certain discussions we had prior to that, especially once we were engaged to be married, we discussed possible timelines as to when we would start TTC, how many kids, etc.

Post # 65
Member
3729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

giaf1:  Here’s how I’d approach it. Over dinner (at home), I’d say: hey, in the past you’ve mentioned that you want a kid by the time you’re 30 and you want a house and you’re worried about fertility treatments. Given those things, it doesn’t seem like you can have everything and delaying pregnancy will increase the likelihood of fertility treatments. Then ask him what his thinking is on a timeline. Then offer your thoughts. Be flexible because things may have changed. We needed to push back our TTC date 6 months and then it took several months to get a sticky baby

Post # 66
Member
1727 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

I would just straight out ask him “hey when do you want to start trying for a baby?” Let his answer lead the rest of the conversation. You’re a married unit and should be able to converse about difficult subjects. 

Post # 67
Member
1462 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2015

Just ask him. “Hey _________, when do you think that we should start TTC? I feel ready now because _________________________.”

Think of it this way, if you’re having this much difficulty just having a conversation with him about having kids, what are you going to do during and after the pregnancy? You guys will have to make decisions on everything from the birth itself, whether to send your kids to public or private school, parenting stuff like sleep training, etc. You’re definitely not going to be on the same page about everything.

If you’re scared that he’s going to say that he wants to wait to TTC, the bright side is that at least you guys will lay out all your concerns on the table and be able to set a timeline that works for both of you.

Post # 68
Member
265 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

You’re making yourself miserable and anxious by delaying this conversation.

If you actually talk to your husband, yes there is a chance that he may not say what you want to hear, and that may make you miserable, but at least you will know for sure. And you will have a chance to talk him into compromising on his timeline, like you did with your engagement. AND there’s a chance he will be okay with TTC soon! You don’t know until you talk to him.

Meanwhile, you are guaranteeing your own misery but not talking to him. Does this make sense?

Post # 69
Member
2785 posts
Sugar bee

giaf1:  Ummm…you are married to the guy and issues like this should be discussed openly, without coming up with tricks on how to bring it up and playing games. How about “Husband, what about starting ttc on this and this day, what do you think.” Easy enough.

Post # 70
Member
401 posts
Helper bee

You definitely need to open up the conversation clearly and directly. 

My Darling Husband and I have talked multiple times about children, bio/adoption, names, etc. long before we got married. We don’t have a specific timeline for trying, but the things we’ve decided are:

Names

At least one biological, depending on how the pregnancy goes we may adopt siblings (both of my sisters had very difficult pregnancies)

Where and how I want to give birth

Circumcision (I say no and he is on board)

Do we want to go in-depth with fertility treatments? (Right now it is a no, either I get pregnant with minimal intervention or we will adopt). 

That we both want to be done with our master’s degrees and the level of income we feel we need in order to be happy as parents. 

So you see, there’s a lot of discussions other than just “when to start”, and these should have been had before you got married. We know all these things, so we plan to check in with each other periodically and see if we feel we are ready. We both are comfortable enough with each other to have these discussions. There are a lot of things you need to discuss wiith your Darling Husband other than just when to start trying to get knocked up, because if you don’t like the answers to some of those questions (hospital vs home birth, circumcise or no, extensive IVF or no) and you’re already trying or pregnant the discussions will be a lot worse.

And I disagree with the “no one is ever ready”. It’s possible to be ready, just most people aren’t patient enough to wait or accept that their lifestyle isn’t conducive to parenthood.

Post # 71
Member
28 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2017

just my opinion, but you should be comfortable talking with your HUSBAND about kids at any point. It doesnt need to be a scheduled, thought out conversation. it doesnt seem like this has been talked about much and you guys really arent on the same page. 

Post # 72
Member
1419 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

Just bring it up casually. I don’t understand why you are so nervous. It is your husband after all.

Post # 73
Member
993 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2018

so… echo PPs that you really should have mentioned this before you got married, but here’s how I bring it up to my SO (and we’re just planning an engagement timeline right now)

Me: “I want to have kids when I’m 30. Are you good with that” (I’m 27 fwiw)

Him “yeah, 30 makes sense”

M:”Great, if we’ve been married for a little while and feel comfortable we can start earlier, but really between 29-31 would be ideal for me career and life wise.”

H:”You’re right. I’d like to be married for at least 6 months first and maybe take a GREAT vacation before hand. Also I think we both want new jobs but that isn’t dire, but we should keep that in mind”

M:”fabulous. good talk”

I’m paraphrasing… but not much lol. He’s your husband! Just bring it up, what’s he gonna do, run away and put his fingers in his ears? you’re allowed to have an opinion about children, just sit him down and share your thoughts! If he’s not ready be prepared to compromise

If it turns out he doesn’t want kids… well that’s something you need to soul search on. you’ll never know until you ask

Post # 74
Member
7369 posts
Busy Beekeeper

I fail to understand how one can have a decade plus sexual relationship where he’s pulling out and yet the child conversation is difficult. What??? Take control of your life woman. 

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