Post # 76
Hahaha my aunt said “I’m flushing these pills down the toilet, deal with it.”
But in all seriousness… you need to have a sit down talk and tell him how you feel. I brought it up after we’ve been living in our house for like 9 months and have some furniture. For my husband its all about being financially ready
Post # 77
wait you guys don’t use birth control other than pulling out? well, you may get your wish and not need to have this convo after all! lol
Post # 78
Mrs. Meowerson: we’ve been using that method off and on for over a decade and haven’t had any accidents. Which makes me nervous about the fertility factor. He even joked about him having infertility issues because we’ve been lucky for so long. But I think it’s more so he’s very in control of his own body. I guess he doesn’t want kids bad enough anytime soon so that’s what he must be thinking of most of the time which if I think about it seems pretty torturous on his part, especially if we’re married and he shouldn’t have to worry about mistakes, esp. if it may take a while to conceive.
Post # 79
giaf1: Being married does not automatically mean being ready for kids (or wanting kids) though, or being any more open to “accidents”. They are separate issues. I was even more terrified of getting pregnant after I was married because I knew the judgment when I terminated (I did not want children) would be significantly higher than when I was “single”, and so on. It was a happy day when I got sterilized and did not have to worry anymore.
I do find it very odd he relies on pulling out though if he is really not ready to have kids, unless he knows he is sterile/has been snipped. Even if it has worked for a decade on and off, it is risky.
Post # 80
The pull out method (if done perfectly) is about 96% effective. Many guys have pretty good control. Even if an ‘accident’ happened, it would have to happen at the right time of the month and the likelihood that a healthy couple conceives in a given month is 25 % so the odds are very much in favour of not getting pregnant.
I haven’t read the whole thread but just wanted to offer my opinion. I kind of understand what you’re saying. I was nervous to start talking about TTC and my husband and I have great communication! I think the reason for why I was nervous was that suddenly my heart really wanted a baby and I was nervous that he might not be ready quite yet. We had always thought we would start to TTC ‘a few years’ after getting married but right after the wedding I got a bad case of baby fever and a month later we officially started to TTC. I first started to bring it up and a few days later he was fully on board, even though we were never meant to start so early. A few weeks after that our LO was conceived. Now, almost two years after that first discussion, we’re just so happy we made that decision.
Post # 81
giaf1: “I know he doesn’t want to have kids in his 30s” — Maybe he wants to have them in his 40s?
Post # 82
Daisy_Mae: lol I know he Def. doesn’t. He makes fun of my aunt/uncle because they had my cousins in their mid 30s (too old according to him) and now they’re chasing after elementary school kids when they’re in their 40s
Post # 83
giaf1: I get how you feel. I think for a lot of guys it’s less of a priorty or they don’t fully understand (outside of having sex…haha) how the whole process works. Women have so much more to think about logistically so it feels like a big big conversation to us. It’s also a very emotional decision and like someone else mentioned a hard one to initate if you feel that the end result may be a bit of a let-down (aka : he isn’t ready yet but you are).
I’ve been ready for the past couple of years but my Darling Husband wasn’t as his job is very very demanding and requires a lot of travel. It’s finally gotten to a place where it’s more settled and we’re not getting any younger. He’s always taken the “eventually” approach to having kids because as a guy he just doesn’t understand *exactly* how difficult it really can be to get pregnant. He thought you just had sex and got pregnant.
I’d brought it up a couple of times over the past few months but the conversation just didn’t really go anywhere. I’d try to talk to him about it but I’d end up just dropping it completely because his “well, eventually” attitude about having a baby would make me so upset/emotional. In my head I was hearing “no” but in reality I was so emotional about it that I was completely clouded to the fact that I think HE was just nervous about saying “Yes let’s do it”.
Finally a couple of months ago we were in the car and I had him as a captive audience. He started talking about our friend’s baby and it was the perfect segway into us having kids. We talked about it and I really tried to keep my emotions in check. I explained the process, logisits of a fertile window/ovulation, and how with both our jobs it’s going to be hard to get pregnant (because we only have short window that we can). He seemed really receptive and I let him have a couple of weeks to process all the info. A couple days before my fertile window we were again in the car (we have our serious talks in the car….haha) I gave him a heads up and said “hey, starting Friday it’s my fertile week if we’re going to try this now is the time”. I left the ball in his court and BOOM…..the next time we sad sex we were TTC.
Post # 84
He does totally understand how much of a challenge it can be to conceive that’s the thing. We’ve spoken about that in general before, how there’s actually only an x% chance each month even if 2 people are perfectly healthy and have no fert. Issues. So given the fact that it can take months or even if it works right away you’re looking at actually having a baby 10mos – 2 years from now.
Post # 85
giaf1: pull out method is pretty effective if done correctly (96%). Pretty similar stats to condoms. Don’t think you’re automatically going to have issues getting pregnant just because you haven’t had an accident yet. The vast majority of people get pregnant within the first 6 months. This isn’t that difficult. You say “So I’ve been thinking about the future and I want to know the ideal time you think would be to have children?” and go from there. Not sure why it has to be so hard to bring it up to someone you’re married to.
Post # 86
having kids requires your big girl panties. so, put them on and ask to have a discussion about it.
Post # 87
Mrs. Meowerson: BEST. REPLY. EVER. !!!
Post # 88
giaf1: I did the whole frontal attack approach lol. Really though, it was just more of a, “Hey babe. I’m ready to have a baby. Are you?” He wasn’t at the time, but knew it was “soon”. So, we agreed on a month to start TTC that met in the middle of our timelines.
If you’re really that nervous, talk about your goals for the next 3, 5, 10 years. Discuss where you want to be and what you want your life to be like at each of those intervals. I do think this should be a direct conversation, but if you struggle with that idea, then look at it as a recalibration of life goals.
Post # 89
He might be more receptive if, instead of approaching him like at an international nuclear summit, with the People’s Congress’ Five-Year Plan in hand, you suggest what if he just eased up on the birth control. Guys know what that means. That’s why he’s been so careful about his birth control. You don’t have to spell out you want him to put a baby in you. Say you want him to ease up on the birth control and see what happens. He knows what that means.
That’s what I did. I was taking the pill and when I felt ready I just said, “I think I want to go off the pill. Thoughts?” He was just like yea OK, not so excited, but not like OMFG NO, so I stopped taking it. We had trouble conceiving and then I suggested seeing a specialist and “taking it to the next level” and he has been SO good about participating in that process. When he wasn’t that excited about starting the TTC process before.
That way he doesn’t get scared off cuz he thinks you all of a sudden want to jump straight into the charting temping OPKing mandatory sex 3 days in a row routine. That can be a huge jolt and I would get if a guy is scared off by that. So ease him into it. Once you get your foot in the door, the slippery-slope effect will take care of the rest.
Post # 90
camenae: lmao “People’s Congress’ Five-Year Plan in hand”….I actually did mention to him last week about “easing off the birth control” now that we’re married. He didn’t really get the hint why I said it though. I don’t take bcp, so the birth control has always been in his hands. I have suggested me taking bcp pills but he doesn’t want me to due to health risks of clots. I guess since we haven’t had the “timeline” talk YET since I’ve been mentally preparing myself how to approach it the right way (without sounding demanding and also while expecting to possibly be disappointed by his response) he is still like a drill sergeant about it and being responsible. Maybe he’s disciplined since I never brought up the timeline before, he doesn’t want to take that step without my approval (aka an accident)y or he just isn’t ready yet and has a feeling I am ready so he doesn’t want to disapoint me.