(Closed) How to build trust, with anybody?

posted 5 years ago in Relationships
Post # 1
Member
27 posts
Newbee

This might become like a therapy session.

I’ve come to a conclusion, that I am the very problem in this relationship… all the reasons we have small and big fights.

 

The reason, the very simple reason is that I don’t trust anybody.

I thought long and hard who is the person I completely trust, and I couldn’t think of anybody.

My ex boyfriend, who remained as a good friend for a while, found out that I started dating my current SO, and told me one thing only in our last conversation.

“For the last 6 years, I’ve never felt that you trusted me. Please do your best to trust him, I wish you the best.”

It’s a lonely place, and I’m seeing that I am not capable of any kind of a true relationship with anybody because I always always doubt their intentions.

I realized that I have no close female friends.

Any thoughts are welcomed. 

Tagged: 

Post # 3
Member
129 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2013

I’m not a natural truster either. I would say to give yourself a break and let your new man EARN your trust. It’s not something to be freely given and for the right person you will find yourself becoming more comfortable with it. For me, becoming more comfortable with trust came as the product of feeling more comfortable asking questions when I felt mistrustful. Also, don’t ever take things exes say in parting conversations to heart. Even if they aim to provide “constructive criticism” on the surface, they are hurt and they are trying to hurt you back. They selectively remember only the things they didn’t like in the relationship and bring it up to make you feel crappy. It’s good that you’re being self-aware and recognizing that this may be an area you struggle with, but please don’t feel like it is some kind of huge failure. We all have strengths and we all have weaknesses. The right relationship makes our good qualities shine and our bad ones manageable. 

Post # 4
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Commenting to follow.  I can totally relate to you, sadly.  I am working on trusting Fiance more. *hugs*

Post # 5
Member
1332 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2014

I am sorry you are in such a lonely place 🙁

New relationships are HARD for this very reason, especially if you are a person whom has a hard time trusting people. 

I do not really have any advice, only a theory on how I have dealt with relationships.  I come from a history of being hurt time and time again.  I have had trust issues – with MOST men in my life, including my father. 

At some point, I just had to tell myself that those that have hurt me in my past are not the same person as those I meet along the way.  And so, I believe that each new relationship needs to start with 100% trust.  If or when that person breaks that trust, that is when it gets diminished or demolished, and one needs to either protect themselves and move forward, or work with that person to build it once more. 

My SO is not perfect by any means, no one is.  In the almost 3 years we have been together, there have been times where trust has been diminshed.  However, not to the point where it was not fixable, or something we could not overcome.  There have been times I have done the same to him!  Our trust issues were not due to major factors, such as, cheating or betrayal, but rather little lies we told, or questioning if this relationship was right for one another, etc. 

In the end, I never ever put a past relationship hurt into my current one, and for that I have been the happiest with him than anyone before!  So, whereas my last long term relationship went, he had gone out with the boys, and never came home.  I found out later – much later – it was bc he hooked up with a gal he met out.  The first time my SO had a boys night, I ‘went with the flow’.  Although a fleeting thought had passed thru my mind regarding my past (WHAT HAPPENS IF HE DOES NOT COME HOME?!), I remained calm – telling myself that I need to trust he will, and only worry about it if the outcome differs. 

He came home, he told me about his night, he PROVED to me that not all men are cheating scumbags, and our trust remained 100% intact. 

Maybe my theory is wrong, but it has worked for me.  And although throwing ‘counseling’ out is not always the best option – for you, OP, I would seek it out.  Only because you stated you have never trusted anyone 🙁  Good luck!

Post # 6
Member
1686 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: December 2012

I think there comes a point in life where you just have to let go.  Whether it’s your current SO or not, I can’t say.  But there will come a day when you will realize that you cannot hold the past against osmeone anymore, and that you just have to let the walls down and hope to hell they don’t fuck you over.

I did this with my husband. I thought I’d never completely let go, but I did. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me.  You need to find that person that you’re willing to gamble on, and then let go.  Hopefully you’ll be pleasantly surprised.  If not, you have to pick your shit back up and find the right one. 

It’s like Garth Brooks sang – Life is not tried, it is merely survived, if you’re standing outside the fire,

Post # 7
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

Great suggestions girls.  I know I am working on trying to “let that little demon in my head” go when it comes to questioning every little thing.  It’s exhausting and life is so much better when I do take a break from it.

Post # 8
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@rubird:  I don’t think you can ever completely trust anyone (or at least, I couldn’t). You never know what can happen. Human beings are complex creatures and you can never fully know what is in someone else’s head.

To build trust, it takes time and the willingness to make yourself vulnerable. It is self-protection that prevents you from letting yourself trust people (and I mean trust them at all, not fully). You don’t want to get hurt, and the best way to avoid that is avoid opening yourself to others.

You’re right though, it is a lonely existence. I have built a very strong level of trust with my Fiance. Do I know 100% he won’t cheat on me or ever leave me? Of course not. All relationships are a risk. But it is a risk worth taking and I believe he will never cheat or leave me.

You have to be willing to give a little more of yourself and open yourself up to potential heartache when you let other people in. I value my relationship with my Fiance more than anything and I do whatever I can to protect it. Trust, communication, and respect 🙂

Post # 9
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@lia22:  +1. It is a gamble, and you have to remember not to punish new people in your life for the sins of past people in your life.

Post # 10
Member
2564 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2013

@MrsPanda99:  Exactly – I have to continuously tell myself (I don’t always succeed) that Fi is not the losers I have dated in the past.  I believe he loves me and is trustworthy but I have to work at that every day. 

Post # 11
Member
9681 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper

@mrs_pudding_pop:  That’s exactly it or else you risk a self-fulfilling prophecy where you get exactly what you keep accusing him of being :-

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