(Closed) How to compromise on the big ticket items….

posted 7 years ago in Emotional
Post # 3
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

I think it’s still too soon to worry…  I agree with your Fiance.

Honestly, we live 3,000 miles and 2,500 miles from our parents – we see them plenty, airfares are cheaper than ever.

I never thought Darling Husband would ever want to leave the region we live in… and although I’m more of a nomadic type, I figured it wasn’t such a big deal to me – so I never argued it.  Surprisingly enough, a month or so ago he mentioned that he’d be interested in moving to the SW (which I love!) as he’s grown tired of being in CA for 10 years. 

So, people will surprise you… and one of you is bound to have a change of heart.  If not, like I said – airfare is cheap!

Post # 4
Member
962 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2010

Oops!  Duplicate post!

Post # 5
Member
893 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

This may not be an option, but are your parents in any position to possible move south to be closer to you?

My dad’s job uprooted him, my mom, and I from New York all the way down to Dallas, Texas – and some of our family moved to Texas after us to be closer.

Just an idea!

Post # 6
Member
220 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

So his only reason to move down South is the weather and the taxes?  Do either of you have any other connections there?

Would either of your careers dictate a better region to live in over another?

In terms of living near or far from family, I’ve lived far away from extended family growing up and now immediate family as an adult, but I do understand that when you have your heart set on something it’s hard to see it any other way.  For me, I’m set on retiring back in my home state in the historic house I grew up in.  Fiance isn’t totally sold on the idea yet, but for that stage of life, at least we still have some time on that one. 

Post # 7
Member
4137 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

i understand wanting to be near your parents when you have kids (free childcare!), but you don’t have kids yet, right? you could always move away, then move back before or after having kids.

you also have to take both of your jobs into account – where is there a market for them? you could apply for a job near your parents, and dh could apply for a job somewhere in the south, and wherever the better paying job is could be where you go.

you can’t exactly compromise on this issue, but one of you is bound to have a change of heart and realize this isn’t a battle worth fighting till the death!

Post # 8
Member
5787 posts
Bee Keeper
  • Wedding: May 2011

Have either of you started looking for jobs yet? The economy is rough in many parts of the south.

Post # 9
Member
181 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2011

As someone who is absolutely miserable in the cold I think I’d have to side with your Fiance. I get completely depressed in the winter and I only live in the mountains of Virginia. If I was forced to live somewhere colder I would be miserable for months at a time and would make Fiance miserable by extension. And it would be completely out of my control.

 

Family is important but you can still have a good relationship with your family without being in the same town. 

Post # 10
Member
548 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: June 2017

I like R.Elliott’s idea.  Talk to your parents and see if they would be willing to move with you.  This might work well ESPECIALLY if they are retired or are close to retiring.

I hate when people aren’t willing to compromise even a little bit.  Tell him you’ll pay for snow removal so he will never have to do it?

Post # 11
Member
13099 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: July 2010

Honestly – I think you are trying to plan your life too far in advance.  Your Fiance is right – you don’t need to be worrying about this yet,

You really have no way to plan where your lives and jobs may take you over the next few years.  That may be farther north, that may be south, or that may be moving no where.  Who knows!  You just kind of have to roll with the punches and take those changes as they come.  You can’t really try to plan them before they occur.

And to ease fears of living farther from family – Darling Husband and I live a 13 hour drive from his parents and a 16 hour drive from my parents and we get to see both families multiple times a year.  You don’t have to live within an hour or two to see family.

Post # 13
Member
1269 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: January 2011

I can understand thinking/worrying about it now and wanting to plan.  I am the same way.  I can even understand thinking about buying a house near your parents for when you have kids even if that isn’t for awhile.  Nowadays you need to plan on staying in the house you buy for more than short term so you have to think about what you want in the future.

My Fiance and I are looking at buying a house and even though kids aren’t in the picture for awhile we are considering a good location to my parents.  My Fiance works for the hospital so we are also looking for a house that is close to all the local ones for when/if he transfers to another one.

At the start of our relationship though my Fiance wanted to live in the city and I didn’t.  In the end I said, I wanted to live in the burbs but it’s more important that we live near his job since at some point I will probably be a stay at home or work part time somewhere.  He brings home more money and my job is just ok.  Then he wanted to move North which I hated.  I started doing research how the schools were bad.  But he really likes the hospital there so he drove me around to look at houses.  I realized there were good and bad areas in the North and I felt comfortable we’d live in the better area.  Basically our future is revolving in that way.

Where we have left it is location to a job is more important, then my parents.  I have stated where I would like to live and hope that agrees with one or more of those locations. 

P.S. When my Fiance wanted to live North, I talked my parents into moving that way.  My mom said her plan is to retire and become a full time grandkid watcher so she had no problem with that.

Post # 14
Member
14444 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

This is a tough one.  Fiance really dislikes the cold.  I dont think he HATES it like your Fiance seeing as to how we ended up buying a home and will settle in the Northeast.  Logically, he made sense.  He wanted to move to TX where his immediate famliy is where there is – WAAAAAY cheaper NICE big houses for half the price- Much lower taxes- So much warmer- No state income tax…- cost of living is so much lower we’d been able to fly back up here to visit with out any problems

OMG, what was I thinking!  Instead we’re in a Mass paying through the nose for our house, in a city with crazy taxes, freezing our ass off cause it cost so much to heat the house…. but, I am still close to my family.  It was that important for me to be close to my family that he was ok with giving up being close to his family and all the perks that went with it.

I think simply HATING the cold should not be the final determining factor.  Family is so much more important than a season – to me at least.  Flying home a few times a year for a weekend or what not will not be the same.  Especially when you have children, and need a quick babysitter, or you want the grandparents to be a part of their life and see them grow up… and not a stranger that visits every few months.

Post # 15
Member
202 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: March 2012

@TinyTina:I think you’re totally right thinking about this now. Of course you want to know where you are going to live and especially if its an issue between the two of you its best to talk about it now. And I totally get your point about moving away from your family. I’m not that close to my parents but I am to my sister. I moved 3 hours away from her a couple months ago and its already killing me, I couldn’t imagine living any farther. In my opinion living near your families is more important than not liking the cold and I wouldn’t give up on it.

Post # 16
Member
14186 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2009

I moved to st louis to be near DH’s family. I wouldn’t call it a compromise, but i bended to his desires. There are months we go without seeing them and I wish we lived somewhere nicer/warmer, etc. I live 4 hours away from my folks though and don’t see the big deal.

You could always compromise by moving south for a few years and then coming back when you have kids. I know quite a few people who have done this.

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