Post # 16
“She demands a relationship” with your son?! Ah, no, she’s an 18 year old child with no notion of the world and healthy boundaries. YOU’RE the mum, so you NEED to demand respect and set up hard, strong boundaries that she’s not welcome to be around him. Your hubby is right in not wanting her around. Cut the cord, and take her for what she is- you don’t need to fix her or anyone for that matter.
Post # 17
Distance yourself and set strict boundaries. Block her on social media.
Post # 18
My aunt (my mom’s older sister), sounds exactly like this. Ran away with her boyfriend and got pregnant at 18, never valued herself beyond being attractive, can turn on the charm as needed but manipulates and birns bridges when she can’t get her way. She’s nearly 80 and still doing this.
As a child, I never quite understood why we couldn’t see her much: she seemed fun.
As a teen, my mom stressed to us that she. could. not. be. trusted. EVER. And my mom limited our contact and her access to us: enough that it seemed like ahe had access, but never to the point where she could use us.
I am so glad my mom protected us.
When I quietly came out, treated me as tablet gossip to earn her status — no respect for my wishes or for me as a person. I was so thankful that the distance my mom had enforced protected me, as I was probably ready to be out by the time she found out.
So my advice: cut her out from your son’s life, limit contact to bare minimum & teach him never to trust her, to pity her.
Post # 19
Please don’t continue a relationship with a narcissist–not for you, not for your child. There is nothing to be gained from giving your sister further access to you or anyone you love. She will hurt you, your child, your marriage. Your child will not benefit from “knowing his aunt.” He will be used for manipulation tactics and traumatized by someone playing with his emotions. He will see a terrible example of human behavior.
My father is a manipulative enabler who is married to a sadistic narcissist. Even before I cut him out of my life completely (which I wish I had done fifteen years before I did) I never let him have access to my kids. My kids have never met him. They never even had a conversation with him on the phone. Protect your child from anyone who would hurt them. Protect yourself also as you would a little child. You both deserve to be free from anyone who is destructive and dishes out hurtful behavior. Sharing DNA doesn’t give anyone the right to hurt you or your children.
You can spend holidays as your own nuclear family unit as just you, your husband and your child if that’s what it takes to prevent contact with your sister. You can maintain a relationship with your mother in ways that don’t expose you to your sister. Draw lines and boundaries of what’s acceptable. Do not let people hurt you. I learned after accumulating too much trauma that has damaged me very deeply: “Don’t go back to people who hurt you.” It’s a rule I instilled in myself and I teach to my children. Teach your child by example that keeping hurtful people and hurtful behavior out of your life is a principle of self care that needs to be prioritized for healthy living or there’s no telling who and what your child will let into their life when they are grown and you can no longer protect them.
Post # 20
- Wedding: June 2019 - City, State
I would cut her out of your life for the time being. If she only sees your mother one hour a week and won’t see the rest of you, the aunt/nephew thing should be a non starter.
Watch Sam Vaknin on YouTube to learn more about how to deal with narcissistics.
Post # 21
Narcissists do not feel empathy and therefore do not have relationships; they have power and control and manipulation (and contempt and humiliation and other awful things). So I would cut her off, permanently.
Post # 22
Oh Bee I remember you and remember replying saying that your sister is young and maybe it will get better – because as someone with BPD traits I did. It sounds like your sis has gone from bad to worse.
My aunt (not a blood relative – dad’s adopted) is absolutely batshit. My dad tried to have a relationship with her for years and it never worked. But he really, really, loved her and it was so hard on him. I wonder if he would have found more peace with the situation if they had cut contact earlier – but I think my dad felt too responsible as the older brother with pretty terrible parents.
Geographic distance helps a lot with this – growing up I knew my aunt was “crazy” but I also saw her as this glamorous personality – which she also was – she was a stunningly beautiful, unsuccessful, artist. I was never left alone with her and because I knew she was nuts I don’t think I ever took anything she said to heart so it wasn’t a negative situation for me as her niece. She didn’t drive so my parents had to drive to her which meant they controlled the timing of any visits. I can say pretty confidently that having a crazy aunt had very little impact on my life because my parents managed it well. About 10 years ago we were in a cafe with her and she started screaming and waving a steak knife at us – haven’t seen her since but I don’t think she’s tried to make contact either. Or if she has my dad hasn’t mentioned it.
Also, your sister seems baby focused at the moment. It’s generally not hard for 18 year olds who are TTC to get pregnant- once she has her own baby she’s liable to completely forget about yours.
Post # 23
Is your sister receiving any treatment for her BPD? I ask because I have a friend who is more than twice her age who has BPD, and when her meds are working, she is a lovely, funny, caring person who is a joy to be around. When the balance is wrong (or she just stops taking them) she becomes a total nightmare – and completely narcissistic. I really hope, for your sister’s sake and her boyfriend’s and the potential baby’s sake, that she is able to get some help in managing her BPD.
Regardless of that, your son does not need a relationship with his aunt under the current circumstnaces. As she is at the moment, she is not a healthy influence to be around a young child, and it’s your job to protect him from harmful influences. This may change as he grows older (and is more able to understand the complexiities of mental health) and if your sister’s condition improves. But right now, I would not be allowing any contact between them.
Post # 24
THanks for all the input, bees! I agree. I continue to be grateful that I’m 800 miles away from her and that she would never spend money to come visit us.
I think you’re right! Thank you 🙂 I feel so bad for whatever baby she conceives.
There’s nothing I can do to stop her from coming to Thanksgiving. Since she is adopted, it is mandated by NYS that my parents are still liable for her until she is 21. Therefore, they are doing their part to keep her around in the family so she doesn’t completely disappear while in their charge. It sucks, but I do get it; she is completely incapable of caring for herself.
However, that doesn’t mean at Thanksgiving that my son needs to be very present while she is around. Plus, with four healthy aunts who love him, my son might not have much of a chance to even see her. And luckily, it’s only for that one day, and he’s only six months old.
Also glad her stupid bf won’t be at Thanksgiving since he will be out of state. My sister is 1000000% worse when he is around.
Post # 26
Wow. This my mum’s older sister exactly! An 85 years old, dangerously narcissistic woman who was directly or indirectly responsible for the deaths of her adopted son, mother, father and possibly her husband.
We’re from the Caribbean and mental health issues and disorders are only now being acknowledged and discussed within society. My aunt was a beauty in her youth and still has the ability to charm and disarm whom meet her…as long as they don’t cross her and let her have her way.
As a family, my brothers and I have had to fight to keep her from attempting from taking control of our mother (her sister’s) dementia care. Mum’s head nurse has recognized her narcissism and had to warn the other nurses to never leave our mum alone with her sister.
OP – pls keep your son away from your sister especially with her behaving so irrationally. Our family wasn’t aware of Narcissistic personality in 1970’s Jamaica, and we all suffered her behavior because of it. Don’t let this happen to your family.
Post # 27
Is this a real diagnosis made by a professional or you guys think that’s her diagnosis? Now days everyone thinks everyone else is narcissistic and bpd specially 2/2 social media. If they are real diagnosis then I would encourage her to get therapy, she is only 18. Even people without personality disorders do stupid things at 18 because you know they are 18.
Post # 28
Regardless of if she has been diagnosed by a professional or not, OP’s sister clearly has significant issues that are dangerous to OP and her baby, and she needs to protect herself/baby/husband. Whatever the sister’s issues are, from OP’s description suggesting therapy is spitting in the wind, and could ramp up the crazy towards OP.
Post # 29
Op you don’t actually have a choice here about your sister. Your husband said no so it’s not appropriate or ok to go against his wishes for the safety of his child. When parenting there is a 1 no 2 yes rule. If one parent says someone is unsafe than that’s a done deal. You don’t get to put your child in danger (emotionally or physically) if your husband says he doesn’t want your sister in his child’s life. He said no, so your sister doesn’t get to be around your child. Not sure why you think you get to go against your husbands feelings on this?
Post # 30
I’ve been through and come out the other side of dealing with narcissistic family members, and I have some insight I can share which helped me ENORMOUSLY to get some peace and move on with my life:
1) First, understand that recovery from any kind of narcissistic relationship (whether that’s with a parent, a sibling, a partner, whoever) goes in stages. The first stage is awareness of who the narcissistic person is, what their issues are, and how this plays out. In this stage, you endlessly watch the narcissist’s drama play out like some kind of soap opera and get involved in it to a greater or lesser degree, and relive it, talk about it and focus on it. This stage is generally where you learn everything you can about narcissism and try to prove to yourself over and over again that this person is a narcissist. This stage is necessary to process and make sense of everything that has happened, and it can take a while. Sadly, a lot of people get stuck in this stage, being caught up in the drama for the rest of their lives, making the narcissist the focus.
2) The second stage, which is where true healing and moving on takes place, is where you take responsibility for your own part in all of this. You realise that the only person you can control is yourself; you cannot control the narcissist. And by continuing to participate in the drama, you are keeping yourself stuck and feeding it. It’s difficult to get to this stage because we feel like victims of the narcissist, and we are, but we don’t have to stay in victimhood. True freedom and the ability to continue any kind of relationship with your sister in a healthy way comes when you are willing to step out of victimhood and participation in the drama.
That requires setting boundaries. It requires doing what’s right for you and your mental health and your family. It usually requires significant distance from the narcissist. You need to set the terms of the relationship, and you need to maintain them.
OP, if you don’t mind me saying this, I think you are still in the first stage of recovery. You are far too absorbed in what is going on in your sister’s life and enmeshed in your family’s dynamic. I don’t say this with any judgment. It can take a while to work through all of this stuff in your own mind, and you take as long as you need to. There is no time limit. But just realise that to move onto a healthier life, you need to mature to the point that you’re willing to step away from the dysfunction, because you cannot fix it.