(Closed) How to convince FH's family of destination wedding?

posted 5 years ago in Venue
Post # 16
Member
73 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: May 2017

It sounds like it’s not just your future in laws you need to convince, but your fiancé as well. Marriage is going to include disagreements and require compromise and it sounds like you aren’t budging at all on your end, even being (apparently) the only one who wants a cruise wedding. This is your fiances wedding as well and his opinions should be equally considered along with yours instead of being shut down by ridiculous and simply untrue statistics about what people spend as guests at weddings.

$500 is A LOT to spend as a guest at someone’s wedding, not to mention the time commitment involved in going on a cruise. Plus, you’re doing yourself and everyone else a disservice by trying to convince all that the cruise will ONLY cost $500. They will also have to pay for a flight to the port to get on the cruise, unless they live near it. They might even have to stay a night in a hotel if the cruise leaves early in the morning and they don’t want to fly overnight. They will still have to buy wedding attire if that’s something they would be spending money on for a traditional wedding. They will have to pay costs for extras on the cruise, and excursions if they want to do anything when the ship stops at destinations. It most certainly will not come out cheaper for them than a traditional wedding, even if you aren’t asking for gifts. A lot of people save for one or two vacations a year, and attending your cruise wedding will be their vacation for the year. It’s really not fair to hijack whatever vacation funds they have (especially because they might not even want to go on a cruise) in order to be a part of your special day. 

If you and your fiancé both agree that a cruise wedding is what you want, then maybe you should just have an intimate wedding with immediate family OR just accept the fact that a lot of people will likely decline your invitation. If having all of yours and his family is important to you, you might need to be more open to the idea of having a more traditional or at least stationary wedding. Plus, do you really want to start your marriage off with a wedding that you had to fight with him for weeks over to even get him to consider the idea? It sounds like he doesn’t want this and if you were fighting for weeks, he probably just caved to end the fighting. That doesn’t sound like a healthy start to your marriage. 

Post # 17
Member
7519 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I really hope you didn’t use that flawed logic to convince your SO on a Destination Wedding because you both are going to be in for a lot of disappointment when you get a lot of no rsvp’s.

Look you can have any type of wedding you want but you seriously need to lower your expectations of guests.

Post # 18
Member
1253 posts
Bumble bee

I have paid vacation days, which I treasure, as do most. I do NOT like being told how to spend them- which is what you are doing to your guests- ‘you can attend my wedding, and take 5 days away from home, or not see me get married’

Why not get married in port and then get on the cruise for your honeymoon? 

Why do you want your extended family around for your honeymoon anyway?

other things to consider:

-Couples with kids- are the kids invited? If they are- $$$  if not, babysitters-$$$  

-people with pets- 5 days of doggie boarding ain’t cheap  

-people without PTO- 4-5 days of missed work if you include the weekend- eeep!

-People WITH PTO – the average American gets 10 days a year- you want them to spend 1/5- 1/3 of that on your wedding? No  

-Also, telling people they ‘don’t need to give gifts’ is rude, as a gift is never expected!!

 

i really think you need to put reality above your vision 

 

Post # 19
Member
805 posts
Busy bee

Sorry, your logic is very flawed. No point in using your argument as anyone will point out the obvious issues and lack of truth to it.

Post # 20
Member
1178 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: June 2013

I understand your dream. Getting married on a cruise ship might indeed be wonderful. I do think you have to consider what people have posted here. How much have you cruised before? I got very seasick on a Bermuda cruise despite bringing a lot of medicine. My brother and his bride spent their honeymoon horribly seasick.

Consider if there are alternatives that would make your wedding just as special. I spent months dreaming of a wedding in a butterfly conservatory. But something happened and the venue fell through.

Post # 21
Member
128 posts
Blushing bee

I am really surprised everyone is against your cruise idea! Though you shouldn’t expect everyone to be able to go, A cruise can be relatively inexpensive if you do a short 2-3 day one with inside cabins. Also look into river cruises as they may be closer/ cheaper which might soften the blow for travelers. Since you said a lot of people are traveling anyways one way to attend the wedding if they cannot attend the cruise is to have the wedding right before the ship sails. Non cruisers are allowed on the boat for a set amount of time with a dinner reception if you choose… or you could have a ceremony and cocktails nearby. If you know certain people cannot afford this and you want them there you could just pay for them to go. 

Post # 22
Member
7815 posts
Bumble Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 1997

If your own Fiance isn’t into the idea, let it go. Have the wedding on the mainland, make Fiance and the family happy, and then leave for a cruise honeymoon immediately following. Win-win.

I would have loved a destination wedding, or even eloping without anyone else present. But DH wanted his grandmother to be able to attend. His feelings on the matter meant more to me than a “vision” of some ideal destination wedding. We have the rest of our lives to run off to wherever we wish without important family or friends wanting to attend. Why deny them something they value so highly (seeing you/him get married)?

Post # 23
Member
13559 posts
Honey Beekeeper

For guests who would otherwise love to be there or who feel obligated to attend no matter what, it is a burden to have to spend money and time to feel compelled to go on your idea of their vacation. The problem with most DWs is that they put your vision over everyone’s convenience and gives the advantage to guests who can most easily afford to attend.

Your justification that you would “ask” for nothing else is out of line. Showers, bachelorettes etc. are totally optional. You don’t get to ask in the first place and these things are neither an entitlement nor fungible.  If you aren’t thrown a shower for whatever reason, it certainly does not entitle you to spend other people’s money somewhere else!

Likewise, you aren’t supposed to be thinking of gifts. Dictating anything about them, even “no gifts” is considered presumptuous. Gifts are voluntary and at the discretion of the giver. 

If the wedding were local there are more budget conscious options. One night in a motel is far cheaper than the $500 base price for a cruise. Or people might stay with a friend on the way. On top of this you would have everyone take off 2-3 days off work, which IMO is unreasonable. We’ve flown to many weddings without missing even one day.

Then there are the extras PPs pointed out, ie tips, drinks, excursions, sitters etc. Cruises are never really all inclusive. Not to mention that most people would rather decide for themselves how to spend their previous few vacation days. 

Not all DWs are problematic. If a small family group decides that this is something they really want to plan together that’s one thing. But your FI’s family is literally not “onboard.” As a host, consideration for others is and never will be outdated. 

I’d look at the bigger picture here. 

Post # 24
Member
41 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: October 2013

I would suggest you consider another idea. Even if the idea works, those buddy passes are a hassle (for some airlines). You have to wait for a flight and seat to become available (especially on a busy airport), no guarantees, and you may end getting stuck for a day just waiting for it – losing more time and money if you have to go to work the next day, etc. Good luck! 

Post # 25
Member
63 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

As someone who grew up with a pilot for a father, buddy passes are unreliable and I would never use one before I have to catch a cruise. With a regular wedding, if you get in late the night before, etc you can suck it up. The boat will go without you though. 

I think if it’s the wedding you want, then do it. But there will be increased expenses for your guests and not everyone is crazy with the idea of cruising. Plus they get money out of you at every stage, photos of your cruise, $15 cocktails, upgraded restaurants, activities, gratuities, etc. 

Like all destination weddings, do what you want, but you have to accept not everyone will attend. 

Post # 26
Member
309 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2014

If you want to have a cruise wedding it is your choice.  But it’s fair to say that you will have to trade in relatives and friends attendance for your vision of a wedding.  And by the sound of it it seems like your ILs would want to spend time with relatives.

Depending your relatives finanical situation they might not be able to fork over $500 per person.  Most of my relatives opt to drive 12-15 hrs to my wedding because $200 for transportation for 4 is much more appealing than $300 x 4 for flying.  Then all they have to spend money on is accommodation, food, and activities, which is something they can control the pricing vs. cruises you can’t cut down cost.  They can leave whenever it’s convienent for them whereas cruise you are stuck with their schedule.

So to compare apples to apples, even if they recieve free flight… a family of 4 would spend at least $2000 on a cruise, whereas in the city they could’ve spend a lot less depending on their lifestyle.  Cause keep in mind, $600 for one person traveling doesn’t mean $1200 for two guests.  Cost can be shared like accommodation and meals.

Post # 27
Member
6331 posts
Bee Keeper

Just because the “typical” wedding guest pays a certain amount to attend a wedding, that doesn’t mean that your guests are ok with that range. You can have whatever style of wedding you want, but you can’t expect all your guests to just go along with it. 

Post # 28
Member
8368 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

View original reply
futureseh :  If you want to do it because YOU want to do it, fine, whatever. But the reason you’re having such a hard time convincing everyone it’s going to be better for THEM is because it’s not. You seem to have convinced yourself, but you’re not being realistic. Going on a cruise will be more expensive and a huge pain in the ass. Honest. I know you WANT it to be cheaper and easier and for everyone to have a wonderful vacation with you, but that’s not reality. Again — if it’s what YOU want to do for your own reasons, that’s your prerogative. But this trying to play it off like it will be better for everyone else too — that’s not going to fly because it’s not true.

Post # 29
Member
13559 posts
Honey Beekeeper

View original reply
weddingmaven :   ^^ Edit:  “precious few” not “previous few” 

Post # 30
Member
937 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: July 2017

You shouldn’t have to fight with your fiance about the wedding that involves the both of you… Find a compromise and by no means is him caving on what he wants a compromise. Sit down and talk about what is important to you both and try to figure something out. It sounds like the cruise is your idea and you’re unwilling to compromise. Personally I would say that expecting guests to spend that much for a wedding is rude… destination weddings are a choice and part of having one means that some people may not come and if his family is uncomfortable then maybe there is a good reason. Also just because you read that a typical guest spends $600-$700 on a wedding doesn’t mean it is true. That number is absurd… If you were to get married at a place near most of your friends/family they would not spend nearly as much due to having accommodations already covered and they could go home at the end of it. This cruise is also a vacation you may want but others may not want it so you might look at it as a cool thing that they get a vacation but others are dreading it because it’s not something they would want. And just because they don’t want you to have a destination wedding/cruise wedding doesn’t mean they have outdated logic. If that were true, then I would say a good majority of people on here would have “outdated logic”. 

 

Something to keep in mind 

Carnival Weddings – what they don't tell you in the brochure (long)

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