- 4 years ago
- Wedding: July 2014
Short version: We’re about 3 months out from our wedding and my FI is worried about whether his siblings will attend or not, or if they’ll sulk and be gloomy the whole time if they come. If they don’t come or drag him down with their gloom, it’d probably permanently damage their relationships with my FI because he would be so so hurt. Do you have any advice on what we could say to them to get them to attend the wedding and stop being so negative about it?
Longer version: Due to drama (described in earlier thread http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/advice-for-fis-final-effort-with-nightmare-fmil-and-ffil-long/#axzz2zdA99ZLz) my FFIL will definitely not come to our wedding and FMIL most likely won’t come either. If FMIL does come, she’s going to be very unhappy and sulking (because she wants to do nothing but be mean to my FI and say she won’t come and curse our marriage, yet somehow be the queen bee and be in the program, walking down the aisle, etc. – which we won’t do- we’d be civil, but she has no role in the wedding and we’d plan on politely avoiding her).
The issue I need your help with is my FI’s siblings. My FI has no individual problems with his siblings at all. They all get along and have never had a serious fight or issue. Unfortunately, my FI’s siblings have a Stockholm-syndrome like relationship with my FI’s parents. His siblings think that, no matter how unreasonable their parents’ requests, you are a disrespectful, cold, stubborn child if you don’t give the parents whatever they want. The siblings will constantly excuse away their parents’ bad behavior and are very defensive on their behalf and uncomfortable with honest discussions of them. As a result, my FI has tried to avoid talking about the parents with his siblings because the siblings would have us cancel or postpone the wedding or give control of our lives over to FPIL based on the parents’ whims and we aren’t willing to do any of that.
The siblings like me a lot and have all agreed to be in the wedding. They have also talked to me at times about their parents and my FI because my FI can get too upset to have a productive conversation about it. The siblings are so bothered by my FI not getting along with their parents that they only say negative things about the wedding now. Like- “the wedding is a grey cloud hanging over everything “or “I’m just not going to be able to get excited about the wedding/bachelor party until all of the issues with our parents are resolved” [news flash- there is no chance that will be resolved before the wedding] or “there just cannot be a wedding without both of our parents there. it wouldn’t be right.”
My FI’s parents are either implicitly or explicitly threatening to cut off or significantly limit their relationships w/my FI’s siblings if the siblings attend our wedding. Siblings have told us that they have a very tough choice to make and they aren’t ready to give up their relationship with their parents. We’d never ask them to do that, but my FI wants them at our wedding. There is also a good chance that my FI’s parents will (threaten or actually) pull financial support they give to the siblings or time an emotional crisis or a non-emergency surgery right around our wedding so my FI’s siblings would feel pressured to stay with their parents instead of attending.
My FI is coming to terms with his parents not being at our wedding and understands that it is likely for the best because they simply cannot be composed (yelling, cursing our marriage & unborn children, etc.). That makes him want his siblings there even more. His bachelor party is the few days before the wedding and he really wants his siblings at the bachelor party and at the wedding and happy for him at both.
I’ll be talking to each of my FI’s siblings over the next few weeks because my FI isn’t up to discussing this and I want to do all I can to help. Does anybody have any recommendations of what I could say to them to try to get them to understand just how much it means to my FI that they be there and be happy and positive and supportive?
Also, I think they’re so scared of the reaction from their parents that the siblings aren’t realizing that there will likely be permanent damage to their relationship w/my FI if they don’t come to the wedding or sulk and pout through it. My FI isn’t issuing any ultimatums (and I will always support him trying to maintain relationships with his siblings), but there is a good chance that he might never again be close to a sibling who chooses not to come to our wedding or pouts throughout his bachelor party and the wedding.
Any advice is appreciated.
More full background of the situation with my FI’s parents is here: http://boards.weddingbee.com/topic/advice-for-fis-final-effort-with-nightmare-fmil-and-ffil-long/#axzz2zdA99ZLz.