How to cope after a miscarriage

posted 3 years ago in Pregnancy
Post # 2
Member
14969 posts
Honey Beekeeper
  • Wedding: June 2011

I’m sorry for your loss and that you’re having such a rough time.  Unfortunately, there’s just not much to do except to try move forward and accept that the pregnancy wasn’t meant to be.  Early miscarrage is common and most likely random due to chromosonal issues that the embryo just didn’t realize until ater implanting.  I went through 4 IVF cycles and 3.5 years to finally get pregnant, and then miscarried at 9.5 weeks.  And then another cycle and miscarriage just 6 months later.  So… You are still a lucky one in my eyes if you can just try again and not take thousands of dollars and an IVF cycle to even attempt to try.  I cried it out for a day, and then focused on what to do to acheive the goal moving forward.  The pain and thoughts of what if are always there, just don’t let it consume you.  I try to be thankful for the life I still have, for my husband and family, for our health (minus the infertility of course).  And on really bad days even go as far as to say at least we”re not sicken with cancer or *insert other terrible disease* and remind myself it acutally could be worse.

Post # 3
Member
621 posts
Busy bee

I’m so sorry, bee. You absolutely have every right to feel however you feel, doesn’t matter if you were pregnant a short time. It was real and it’s a loss that has to be grieved. I know people mean well when they say things like at least you know you can get pregnant, but there’s no “at least” about a miscarriage. I haven’t been through this myself but struggled with infertility and got pregnant through IVF. All you can do is keep working through your grief and being kind to yourself. Find some things that make you happy and feel more at peace. Someday it won’t hurt so much. These boards are excellent for people coping with loss and there’s a lot of wonderful women here who understand and will be there for you. Sending you lots of hugs. 

Post # 4
Member
184 posts
Blushing bee

I’m sorry bee :(. Please take care of and be kind to yourself. You are entitled to any emotions you are feeling and to grieve for as long as you need to.   <3

Post # 5
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

We were both in the Sept. 2017 mamas group together. You left the group before I found out that I had a blighted ovum. I had to have a d&c on January 30th. I understand your feelings. I find it hard to grieve too. I feel like a fraud sometimes because there wasn’t even really a baby. But we need to grieve. It will take time to feel better, and you may not feel better until you have your rainbow baby in your hands. Just know that it’s okay to feel this way and it won’t last forever. I’m here if you ever want to talk.

Post # 6
Member
662 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: November 2016

So sorry Bee! 

Post # 7
Member
3729 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: City, State

dachshundpup15 :  I’m so sorry.  Losing a baby is so tough.  As far as what to say when people ask about having kids “we desperately want them but it hasn’t been an easy road”. If someone makes a comment that at least you can get pregnant,  just say “yeah,  but it hurts like hell to lose it”.

As far as when does it get easier,  it took me 5-6 months. Once I was pregnant with a healthy baby it was so much easier. Now that I’m 2 years out,  I still think of my miscarried babies on their due dates and miscarriage dates,  but it is much easier.  Hugs! 

 

Post # 8
Member
476 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

So sorry bee. I had a second miscarriage in January, first was in August last year. I know exactly what you mean about the emotion coming at random times. No one can fully understand what we’re going through.

My husband was amazing to start with, but he seems surprised now when I get upset suddenly. Family members were so sorry to start with, but seem to have forgotten about it now, though my mum talks about it a lot and I get cross so I don’t really know what I want from people!

Having been through it once before, I promise it gets better. I’m sure we’ll all have our rainbows soon. 

Post # 9
Member
245 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: May 2015

It’s OK to be sad even though it was so early.  Don’t let anyone tell you differently or make you feel ashamed.

Before you’re a few months along,  a baby is largely an idea,  an excitement,  you’re looking forward to the future.  The little bean is still so small,  but your hopes and dreams are huge. Losing a baby early doesn’t change how you feel about losing that dream. It’s like holding it in your hands for a moment,  then having it ripped away. 

Like other PPs have said,  there’s not much you can do.  Talk about it,  maybe get some counseling to deal with the grief if its overwhelming. Try to do things you love to keep you in a positive light. 

Hugs.  

Post # 10
Member
1864 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: April 2016

sheclicksherheels :  so sorry to hear this. I was in the Sept 2017 group as well but left when I miscarried and didn’t see your news, I hope you are ok. 

OP, I found miscarrying to be a very lonely experience but the best advice I had was to ‘just be’. Be sad when you want, be angry when you want and get it all out. I found once I felt like I had ‘permission’ to feel that way I started to feel better. 

Post # 11
Member
969 posts
Busy bee

dachshundpup15 :  lots of hugs to you. 1 month is still very recent. I miscarried start of Nov and I still get upset from time to time. It’s something that won’t ever really go away but we learn to develop a coping strategy. Here’s a link that helped me recently: https://www.tommys.org/miscourage-stories. Was walking through town and saw a bilboard for this. It may or may not help but hopefully it’ll make you feel less alone. x

Post # 12
Member
263 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: July 2012

thumperbear :  Thank you. I’m doing okay. Some days are better than others. I hope you’re doing okay too. Hopefully we’ll all get our rainbow babies soon.

Post # 13
Member
404 posts
Helper bee

So sorry. You should talk with your doctor and ask if they can recommend a counselor or even a support group. Miscarriages are so much more common than people think and can be very isolating. I follow a youtuber named Anna Saccone who recently did a video on her experience with miscarriage you might want to watch. She’s not pregnant with her third child though :). Not sure if you’ve ever been on reddit either but they have some miscarriage subreddits you can join. 

Post # 14
Member
10 posts
Newbee
  • Wedding: July 2006

I’m so sorry for your loss.  The same thing happened to me.  I only knew I was pregnant for about a week when I miscarried.  I was a mess for a while.  One thing that helped was a charm my mom bought me for my pandora bracelet.  It was an angel.  It was a permanent, tangible representation of my baby that will always be in my heart.  It helped me find closure. Writing a note to the baby helped to to express my love.  God Bless and may He give you peace.💕

Post # 15
Member
1356 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: August 2012

dachshundpup15 :  I don’t know if this will help you, but one of my close friends went through multiple early miscarriages (over 2 years) and she said what she had to do was keep reminding herself that what she lost was not a baby but the idea of a baby. She said that what she actually lost each time was an embryo, and something was terribly wrong with it, so her body rejected it to make way for her baby. The way she got through those years of miscarriages was to think of them as heavy periods rather than the loss of a child, because in her mind the embryo was more like an egg than a baby. There was more to her experience but that’s the gist, maybe it could be a helpful mindset for you. My friend now has a healthy baby boy.

Also, and again I don’t know if this will help you, but it may be comforting to know how common miscarriages are. I think it’s 1 in every 5 known pregnancies for women under 35? Which means the actual miscarriage rate is even higher. So many of my friends have gone through losses before having their babies… It is a natural part of becoming a mother.

Be kind to yourself. It has only been 6 weeks! Don’t worry if you still cry about it. Things you can do to make yourself feel better are exercise, sleep, and eating healthy. But if you aren’t ready to do those things for a while yet that is okay!  

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