Post # 1
So the fighting hasn’t officially begun but I know that it is on the horizon. I am 28 years old and my parents divorced when I was 14 years old. My father got remarried about 5 years ago(makes me around 23 years old). My step mom and I get along for the sake of my dad. I have had an on again off again relationship with my father. My mom hasn’t remarried and we are just as close as my dad and I are.
I feel like my mom should be in the light and not her. My dad is giving us a small amount of money to help with the wedding and I don’t want her to get the idea that she gets any input.
On top of all of this my fiance has a daughter of his own(age 11) and I want to set a good example for her. Her mom has remarried and I will soon be her step mom.
How do I keep my step-mother not involved in wedding planning?
Post # 3
Even though you didn’t grow up with your step-mom in your life and it was a more recent development, I wouldn’t go out of my way to not include her. That could put a bigger strain on the relationship with your dad. You should at least give her the illusion of input.
Post # 4
Can you decide what your dad’s momey is paying for (florist, catering, rentals) and let her come with you for that meeting? She may have some good input. If you giver one thing to do and really get involved with, she will feel included and back off. I think its important to involve everyone, and set the tone for it to be friendly and no animosity. If you disinclude her, there will be hurt feelings.
Post # 5
Toughie! I would start by checking in with your Dad about the money he gifted you, and making sure this money is "no strings attached" before you start looking for strategies to limit input from your step mum. All parents have different boundaries on this, and if you feel really strongly about not wanting your step mother’s input, then it’s important to get a read on your Dad, and her, expectations before you end up in a dynamic you don’t want to deal with.
Also, I’m not trying to be presumptuous at all, but you haven’t really given us any information as to why you are concerned about her input? Over the course of my engagement, it got easier to process ALL the many opinions that kept flying at me. But, is there more to it than that?
Post # 6
For me it is purely because I do not see her as family. I think that I am very hurt still from the fact that when they got married that they did not want to include my brother and I at all in their wedding. Her children were 100% involved(they’re around the same age as me). I refuse to call her step-mom to her face or even in the presence of my dad. I’m desperately trying to get over this as soon I will be standing exactly in her shoes!
Post # 7
Well, good for you for recognizing this is emotional stuff you have to deal with, in light of your own soon to be step mum status. Maybe, just maybe, in the process of working some of this stuff out, you might come to understand her better, or even talk to each other about the role of step mother and how it makes you each feel. My parents got divorced in my early twenties too and it has been hard to see them couple up with new people and to watch how they, in their separate couples, choose to include their various branches of family in their lives. I will say though that it did help to start thinking of these people like family, even though it doesn’t quite feel totally naturally. With each passing year that I am open hearted to treating them this way, I feel like I am laying the groundwork of some kind of family relationship with them. You may never feel close to her, but you can still find ways, in time, to treat her like family even so.
Post # 8
Do you think she’ll want to be involved? If you and she dont get along well, and she did not want you, her future step-daughter, to even participate in her wedding with your dad, she may not be too interested in being anything but a guest.
Before you take steps to exclude her, make sure your dad’s gift does not come with strings. But more importantly, you dont want your distaste for her to show during this process. It will make everything harder.