- 4 years ago
Some of you may know my situation – together for 5 1/2 years, happily living together for 4. He proposed after 12 months but it was too early and the relationship was still a little rocky so I said “not yet but I will”. We then talked about marriage again a year later and we agreed it was something we both wanted. He said to start looking at rings. He has now had an engagement ring that I designed sitting in the safe for 18 months – but hasn’t proposed yet. About 3 years ago he said he didn’t want to propose until he’d finished his PhD at the end of the year … but that PhD completion date has blown out by 2 years and with no end in sight, at the start of this year I had a small meltdown and he promised that he’d propose by the end of the year. At the time, the ring had already been in our safe for 6 months which is a long time for an excited Bee to wait! He said “when we get home I’m going to go buy another small safe and move the ring there so you have no idea when the proposal is going to happen”.
We had another conversation about it in early November and he said “it’s not the end of the year yet”. I reminded him that in January he said he was going to buy a small safe and move the ring there to surprise me. 10 months later it’s still in the same place. Oh. He forgot. I went and got the ring box and gave it to him and said to put it somewhere else then surprise me. I felt a lot happier after that and started getting excited again. But still, no engagement.
As there are only 10 days left in the year, I am starting more and more to feel sick about the coming days. I find myself 2nd-guessing every location we go to. We’ve been to some super-romatic destinations as day trips the last few weekends and I spend the whole time waiting for a proposal and then getting a bit upset (in private) when it doesn’t happen.
I actually now am at the point where I don’t think I’ll even be excited when (?IF) he proposes in the next 10 days. I’m so sick about it. I’m starting to harbour bad thoughts about it all. He’s a sweet and wonderful guy, I don’t want to be with anyone else. I keep telling myself to breathe, it will happen, trust him. But I’m resenting him leaving it to the very last minute, which he does time after time for so many things. There is no longer an element of surprise. There is no longer the excitement of a wonderful proposal. Whatever he does will be a letdown because he’s kept me hanging for so long. I feel like having a ring for over a year and a half and not using it is actually a bit cruel! I posted on here when I picked it up because I was so happy when I saw the beautiful finished ring I just cried, and I couldn’t wait to wear it with pride and be his fiance.
I’m becoming very resentful of this whole situation. I have zero excitement and I wish I’d never seen the bloody ring, let alone spent hours and hours with the jeweller designing it and loving it. As we are both divorced and (ahem) mature adults, there is no ‘timeline” to be married before having kids, or married before living together, or anything like that. The conversation about marriage is that it is a symbol of committment for both of us, something we both agree we want. I feel like at 46 I don’t want to be someone’s “girlfriend” and he totally got that and said don’t worry, you’ll be more than my girlfriend soon. I don’t think 3+ years meets the normal definition of “soon”?
I’m angry at mysef for feeling like this but after waiting so long I’m struggling to snap out of it. Any advice gratefully received. What if he doesn’t propose? We’re going camping on a stunning beach for New Years and I am getting so anxious about what to do if he doesn’t propose by the end of the year. I know I will be gutted but as we’re on an island and not being picked up by the ferry for 4 days I’ll have no escape route. I can see myself getting to New Years night and being impatient and cranky waiting for this damned thing to happen. I don’t think bringing it up again now is an option, as he’ll be like a mule and feel like he’s being pushed. I don’t actually trust that it’s going to happen because he routinely leaves things to the last minute and misses deadlines because he’s pretty disorganised, and gets distracted by other projects. Hence my anxiety.
This is not about getting a diamond on my finger. I have other beautiful rings. This is about him committing to our future together and doing what he promised to do.
I am genuinely worried that even if it does happen I’ll look at the ring every day in the future and remember how bad I’m feeling right now. That is bothering me a lot. It’s not the ideal situation. 🙁