(Closed) How to cope with growing resentment from lack of proposal?

posted 4 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

This is ridiculous; you’re being jerked around big-time. Why some men play this inane game of hanging onto a ring for months – while their SO is fully aware of its existence – is beyond me. And the excuse of needing the proposal to be a surprise, that’s the lamest excuse ever. There is no surprise when the ring has been in the house for ages. I would tell him in no uncertain terms exactly what’s what. You’re not going to be able to squelch your feelings of resentment because they’re justified. 

Post # 3
Member
3452 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: June 2016

How much does he know about this? I think the best thing you could do is tell him. Maybe even show him this post. He needs to know. My first reaction to seeing this was to think that he may have a giant proposal plan that was best fit for the holiday season. Regardless, he needs to know. I’m so sorry you are feeling this way! That is crazy to me, the idea that the ring has been in the safe for that long!

Post # 4
Member
9588 posts
Buzzing Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2015

You said its his way to procrastinate, always, and that’s what he’s doing. He said by the end of the year and you need to honor that too. Save your meltdown for January 1st. Try to have a fun holiday and commit to not ruining it by obsessing. You will have a chance to say your piece later if you want, but I would not sabotage what you say you want by having it out with him when the proposal is imminent. 

Post # 5
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

Give him until the day(s) by which he said he’d propose. If the deadline hasn’t actually come yet, there’s no sense in blowing up about it, unless you’re well and truly done with him. 

The key to this whole situation is your course of action if he doesn’t propose. Are you going to leave him, are you going to stay with him, are you going to stay with him but move out? You have to answer that question. You don’t have to tell me, but you have to answer that question. 

If the proposal date passes, sit him down and tell him that you’re dissatisfied and dissapointed that he didn’t keep his word. Tell him what you intend to do. Make no mistake, you have to do something. If you don’t, you’ll just demonstrate to him that he doesn’t have to propose or keep his word to you; he can take as long as he wants and you’ll stay. 

Figure out your course of action if he doesn’t propose by the date he set, and follow it. That’s what you have to do.

ETA: people procrastinate, and most of the time it’s fine. This is not one of those times. It’s not ok to promise a proposal to someone and then make them wait for years. 

You’ve waited long enough, and you’ve made allowances for his procrastinating ways — that’s enough. If he doesn’t propose by the time he says he will, love yourself more than you love him and leave him. You shouldn’t accept this treatment. 

Post # 6
Member
39 posts
Newbee

I wish I had some advice on how to deal, but all I can say is I’m in a similar situation, as we’re both “older” and I am feeling more and more anxious/resentful because it hasn’t  happened yet. He’s a procrastinator as well.   I’d hoped for Christmas, but today my hopes were dashed.  It’s highly unlikely to happen then, or anytime soon.  We also live together, and have done so for a year and a half. 

I think men get comfortable and content the way things are and rarely, if ever think beyond that.  Then, the woman is made to feel like she’s twisting his arm if she brings up the subject.  I don’t get it. 

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  carpethatdiem.
Post # 7
Member
2247 posts
Buzzing bee

carpethatdiem:  After a certain point — usually after they’ve promised to get the ring or propose, but haven’t — you have to take the reigns and make it clear that you’re not going to wait around for them to do what they said they would do. 

It may feel or be risky, because it feels like your pressuring them or ruining a surprise they’re planning, but that’s not reality. If they’ve made a promise and broken it or they didn’t do what they said they would, they need to answer for it. At the very least, a talk about why they haven’t done what they said they would is in order. 

I know you didn’t ask for advice, but I didn’t like reading that you’re anxious and resentful like OP is. You don’t have to be afraid to talk to him about this. A man worth marrying won’t punish you for following up on what he himself said he would do. A man worth marrying will keep his word and won’t make you wait forever and a day for beforehand.  

Post # 8
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2003

First let me say that I am so sorry that you’ve been placed in a difficult position like this. It sounds like your partner has issues with integrity and keeping his word and that is eroding your faith in him. I can see why you are concerned that even if he proposes you will still harbor bitterness. 

A few ideas: 1) Choose to trust him and give him a chance to do what is right and propose by the deadline that he set. It is not logical. But in marriage you have to trust your partner and give them the benefit of the doubt. Even when they don’t deserve it. 2) Set boundaries. If he doesnt keep his word, you need to make a choice to protect your own heart and move on. That will be a clear indication that he doesn’t value you enough to do what it takes to keep you. You deserve a man of his word. 3) have fun this holiday season. Don’t allow a hypothetical issue that may occur in the future to destroy a happy time of the year. Try to be in he moment and enjoy it for what it is, rather than being sorrowful about what might not happen.

I am in my 30’s but very old fashioned. hope this advice blessed you  

 

Post # 10
Member
3307 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

carpethatdiem:  I remember your thread. What you’re describing is not procrastination, it’s a conscious choice on his part.  It’s your choice to wait around for something that will very likely never happen (40 years old, never married, dragging his feet ). 

Post # 11
Member
388 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: April 2016 - Loveless Barn

Just to throw another perspective out there (and this may not be the case but I’m curious), you said he proposed at 12 months and you said no but I will. How did he handle that? I’m guessing proposing isn’t quite as easy as we might think and being told no may have made him feel a little gun-shy. Although, if that was the case, I still don’t think he should have left the ring just sitting there for months. Just a thought that popped in my head as I was reading.

  • This reply was modified 4 years, 1 month ago by  tnfuturebride.
Post # 12
Member
532 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2016

I’ve no advice sorry. I’m in a similar situation although he’s not had the ring as long. There’s no romance or surprise now. He may as well just put it on my finger and forget the proposal. It breaks my heart. 

Post # 13
Member
5845 posts
Bee Keeper

AussieEncore:  You have every right to feel the way you do. IMO it’s too often the men who buy into the ‘elaborate proposal that has to be a complete and utter shock’. It’s not worth delaying a proposal to make it more elaborate or to try and emotionally manipulate the situation so it’s a bigger surprise, not when the delay is causing negative feelings. A sweet and simple proposal now vs a cleverly orchestrated proposal later….I’m willing to bet a lot of Waiting bees (certainly me when I was waiting) would prefer the sooner one.

My advice would be one of two things:

#1. Tell him how waiting is affecting you & how you’re unable to enjoy the holidays with the anxiety of such uncertainty woven into it. Tell him straight out you hope he’s packing the ring for your camping holiday. If he starts on about not wanting you to ruin the surprise by talking about it, you can tell him that by waiting so long to propose, he’s turned your happy anticipation into uncertainty & anxiety. Why men think they can procrastinate endlessly and still expect their partner to be utterly shocked and surprised is beyond me. Do not take ownership of ‘ruining a surprise’- it’s the procrastination that’s ruining the surprise, not you asking what his intentions are when he’s the one who allowed his intentions to become ambivalent.

#2. You can wait until after your holiday if you think he may be proposing during it. Keeping the issue on the backburner for now will let him have his ‘surprise’ & avoid a needless conversation about it, presuming he does indeed propose. But it also carries the risk of you spending your holiday anxiously waiting only to be hurt, angry & disappointed (which you would have every right in feeling).

I was in a situation somewhat similiar to yours (everyone’s is unique, even with similarities) but I’m an older Bee who was getting impatient with waiting- and total eyeroll on it being a surprise- and at one point got mad at him Chandler Bing-ing about to want to throw me off guard. I flat out told him that elaborate proposals aren’t necessary or, despite what the media says, even desired by some women- but that playing foolish games and endlessly waiting damage the relationship and cause needless hurt and drama.

On a postive note though, the proposal was still incredibly special and, while not truly a surprise, he still managed to catch me off guard. And the resentment did, surprisingly, melt away and become a non-issue- as in I no longer feel any uncertainty or resentment, but that doesn’t mean I don’t remember how it felt to be waiting when I read stories like yours. (((((hugs))))) It sounds like he truly wants to marry you Bee, he’s just being a bit of a buffoon about it. I hope you’ll update us.

Post # 14
Member
602 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: October 2016

There are still a few days left. I say give it until jan first and then you are well within your rights to a full on bitch fit. Its ok for him to keep it a surprise and do it when he’s ready, but it’s not ok to string you along and lie about timelines you’ve previously agreed on. As for your resentment and lack of excitement, that all goes away when it happens. My guy really took his time and i was feeling the same way. He promised before christmas over 6 months ago and waited until dec 5th. Keep your chin up and save the melt down for when he doesnt follow through. Its worth the wait, i promise.

Post # 15
Member
156 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2003

AussieEncore:  if he doesn’t propose by the new year, you are well within your rights to play some Beyonce and bounce. 

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