(Closed) How to cope with growing resentment from lack of proposal?

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
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3102 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 1999

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RobbieAndJuliahaha:  Excellent advice from someone who’s been there. 

Post # 17
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7257 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2016

Just sending along some supportive energy. It can be frustrating to feel like you’re waiting on someone who you know tends to procrastinate and be disorganized. That’s not the kind of person it’s easy to trust has a plan in place.

This is your relationship and only you know what you are willing to tolerate. Maybe you might be at the point of reconsidering how you move forward with this person, maybe not.

When I was in a similar position a few years ago, I stopped waiting for my guy and I just started doing the things I’d been paused on with my life. It wasn’t about marriage then- we had other things that we couldn’t move forward on because he didn’t feel ready. I finally got to the point where I let him know that I loved him and still wanted to be together but I would no longer be waiting for him to take action. That decision really helped me stop feeling like my life was on hold waiting for him and I was able to be happier and freer in our relationship.

So I’d say- if you love this person – as he is today, which means  disorganized and a procrastinator- and you want to be with him, maybe you can give yourself until the new year to see what he does and then if he doesn’t propose, find any areas in your life you’ve been on hold because of the proposal on hold and start moving forward there (or at least start making your plans).

Good luck!

Post # 18
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503 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: December 2017 - Friendship Plaza

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TwilightRarity: I think this is excellent advice, and if it helps, OP, this is part of my ‘plan’ if a proposal isn’t around the corner.

I’m in a very similar situation (older (close to 40), this would be our 2nd, we’ve been living together, our decision to marry has already been pretty decided, the ring has been bought, and I’m waiting on a proposal he’s been wanting to do, unpressured). While he hasn’t promised a ‘time by’, it will be seven months that he’s sitting on ring come the New Year.

A PP has said something about knowing your tolerance level. I think this is key, too. I’m willing to tolerate a few months in, but I am not going to be quiet all the way until June (our 3rd anniversary and what would be a year of sitting on the ring).

My waiting for what he has wanted to do himself is completely and utterly fine. I feel it’s an exercise in learning to trust my SO and relinquish a lot of the control I feel the urge to have. It’s kinda.. Buddhist, to just let go and let him do his thing.

But there comes a point when it gets to be utterly ridiculous, and even cruel. Where that line hits, when it’s crossed, depends on your tolerance level and what all you have paused in your life.

So if mine doesn’t come in the next couple weeks, I plan to do just as Twilight said… move on with a few things. He probably won’t understand the significance of them, but they’ll mean something to me, and help me move ‘up’ my mindset. I don’t plan to ‘walk’ – that’s only if he completely balked and said he’s not ready or willing. I have to renew my drivers license as well, and update my address to his/our house, and when that comes a conversation will happen then, about my changing my last name from my divorced one. (I only want to change it ONE more time, and ideally that’s to my 2nd, and last, husband’s name. Otherwise, I’ll change it back to my maiden’s.)

It’s a tough thing, protecting your heart. I think part of the clue is not to put all your emotions in this basket that HE holds. It’s what we do, because it’s.. the whole moment of becoming engaged. But it’s not meant to be prolonged. Intense, vulnerable emotions like this are meant to be quick and powerful and wonderful. I think bringing the ‘practical’ back in will help compartmentlize a lot of that.

Hope this helps. Just know you are NOT alone. We should make a club/thread for our situation 🙂

 

  

Post # 19
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5304 posts
Bee Keeper

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doberman:  Thank You 🙂  I hope OP will update us, wishing her all the best

Post # 20
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4811 posts
Honey bee
  • Wedding: January 2010

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AussieEncore: “I do feel like I often take 2nd or 3rd place behind his study and his work, even though I do know without question that he adores me. That will be a conversation we will be having if things don’t work out as planned.”

Why do you think a proposal or being married is going to change that, though? If he does put you in 2nd or 3rd place, things are not going to magically change even if he does propose. He has shown you what you can expect. Are YOU happy with that? Because if not, this is a conversation that should happen before you ever get engaged or married, and it should be you who is sitting her thinking of whether you really want to marry him.

 

 

Post # 21
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

I’ve been with my BF for 7 years, just had our anniversary so the pang of hurt is still fresh. I know i love him, but whenever he does propose I don’t think it will feel special because my heart is already broken that I had to wait so long, like why wasn’t I good enough to start with

Post # 22
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146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2003

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Jadegreen:  has he said he wants to be married? 

Post # 23
Member
135 posts
Blushing bee

Sirenbee87 he does want to get married & keeps saying soon, but I’ve been hearing “soon” for about five years. But now were finally older & about to start careers 

Post # 25
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2003

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Jadegreen:  I guess I will say the same thing to you that I said to AussieEncore. You have to set boundaries and communicate your expectations. If you are ok not getting  married than stay silent. But if marriage is what you want, you have to be honest and be prepared for whatever response you get. Life is too short to chase someone who doesn’t want the same thing as you. If he wanted to be married, he probably would have done something to make that happen already.

But maybe he has some hang ups like wanting to be financially stable or good enough to marry you. if he is very traditional that could be a cause for the delay. But you wont know if you don’t ask. Also keep in mind that asking is not pushing or manipulating. So be careful about how you approach this. I wish you the best!

  • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Sirenbee87.
Post # 26
Member
146 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 2003

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AussieEncore:  Stay zen and focus on the positive. If things don’t work out this week you will have an opportunity to make some changes. I think that praying/meditating is great in situations like this. It can allow you to see things from a different perspective and overcome fear. 

I like your idea of making quiet changes in your life. You may want to take your time and not be too quick to toss your BF out.

Maybe it is time for a big change. It is your call.

Yes you are waiting for him to ask you. But it is your choice to keep waiting. No one is forcing you. So whatever you chose, make sure it is a choice that you can live with. If 2015 comes to an end and you don’t get the proposal, and you decide to stick around for 2016, you will not be able to blame him for being unhappy. Because staying will have been your choice. A choice made with full knowledge of the person you’re with. Your eyes are open now. 😉

  • This reply was modified 6 years ago by Sirenbee87.
Post # 27
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5304 posts
Bee Keeper

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AussieEncore:  Well first of all- stay safe from cyclones! I really have my fingers crossed for you Bee that you’ll have a happy update for us when you get back….but it also saddens me that you cried on Christmas night. I wish the men who are serious about wanting to get married but fixated on it being a huge surprise or just endlessly procrastinate could read these boards and realize what the waiting is doing to the women they love. I don’t care if a guy plans on renting the Eiffel tower and hiring the cast of Glee as his back up choir while he has a videographer capture him putting a $10,000 ring on her finger- it’s just not worth the emotional toll and uncertainty of needless waiting when sweet simple and sooner is all that most waiting Bees want. (((((hugs OP))))) please update us, either way we’re here for you.

Post # 28
Member
38 posts
Newbee

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AussieEncore:  Sorry to hear this.  I didn’t get one either so I know how you feel.  Hopefully it will happen for you on New Year’s.  

I plan to bring it up to my BF after the new year as well.  However, his father is terminally ill and lives out of state so he is likely going to have to deal with a funeral, etc soon.  I may give it a while as I don’t want to add any stress right now.  

Post # 30
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5304 posts
Bee Keeper

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AussieEncore:  ((((hugs))))) Congratulations first of all, I’m glad you had a nice cyclone-free camping trip and that you’re engaged now.

I’m not a fan of women who expect over-the-top proposals, but in your case it doesn’t seem you were looking for grand gestures, just little loving or romantic ones. I can empathize with how you’d feel-  given his previous comments about ‘wanting to propose properly’, his creative personality etc- I agree, a little heart drawn in the sand, a few loving words, opening one of the champagne bottles you had etc would have been nice. And he shouldn’t have said “I knew I had to propose by the end of the year but I didn’t have a plan”…wtf? No, that doesn’t sound very enthusiastic, I would have been hurt by this too. Is it possible that when you were growing increasingly upset all day and then left to look at the stars to go have a cry, his focus shifted to the knowledge you were upset with him and so he wasn’t quite clear headed in the moment to try and make it a bit more romantic? He may have been upset himself, upset that he’d upset you or that he maybe wanted to do it earlier in the day and chickened out because of nerves etc?

I’m glad you spoke up and discussed this. He seemed surprised you thought he wasn’t excited so maybe he truly is excited and was just rather overwhelmed at first. Hopefully- likely- he’ll be able to express his excitement as you announce your engagement to people and make wedding plans. And I think focusing on the knowledge that he loves you back and wants to plan his life with you, as you say,  is the best course of action.  Good luck to you and your new Fiance 🙂

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