(Closed) How to Cope with Him Not Being Ready

posted 6 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
2271 posts
Buzzing bee

View original reply
sweetsilence:  

I went through the same thing with my SO we have been through alot together and I think emotionally I was ready to settle down long before he was. At first it really bothered me, like I thought there was something wrong with me. However I had to remember my SO had come out of bad relationship previous to ours where he had been cheated on. Also he deals with PTSD related to two tours in Afghanistan while in the Marine Corps so that was another reason I realized I couln’t rush him, which I am sure you can understand dealing with PTSD yourself. 

So I gave him some space, was supportive, didn’t bring up ‘marriage talk’ unless he initiated it, and low and behold he came around on his own. We are three years into our reltationship (one year living together) and now he talks about getting engaged and how we he wants to settle down without anyone forcing it on him which makes it so much more rewarding and healthy. 

You know your relationship the best so only you can tell if he will ever come around, if you think he will though I might try letting go of the subject and giving him time to discover his feelings for it on his own. 

Post # 3
Member
1120 posts
Bumble bee

Yes I felt insecure whilst waiting. In order to regain some level of control over the situation I went on a mission to ‘improve’ myself (somewhere in my mind I must have thought I wasn’t enough for him and improving myself would bring on the engagement quicker). So I became obsessed with the gym and losing weight (even though I go to the gym anyway and am quite skinny) and worked on becoming a nicer person.

I realise this was unhealthy now but it came naturally at the time.

I think the insecure thoughts are you trying to gain control over it. If you can blame yourself for why it hasn’t happened it gives you the control to do something about it. Whereas the truth is he probably just isn’t ready in his own mind which is something you can’t do anything about. Realising that the insecure thoughts are just a product of your lack of control over the situation can help you move on from them and not react to them (like I did).

Post # 4
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

This is not about you. It’s about him. Don’t let those insecurities get to you. He has told you himself that he wants to marry you and that you’re the one. Just because he isn’t ready right now doesn’t mean that you should think that is a negative reflection of yourself.

You didn’t say exactly how old you are, but I’m guessing we’re kind of close in age. I’ve been with Fiance for over 6.5 years, and I had to deal with him not being ready as well for a while. It wasn’t me. We had talked excessively about the future. He made it clear I was the one he wanted to spend his life with and that one day, we’d get married. I’m not saying I never had any thoughts of “Is it me?” while waiting because I definitely did have them pop up a few times, but I just had to check myself. Now, we’re engaged and planning a wedding together. 

You wouldn’t want him to propose if he wasn’t ready. Also, with your PTSD, are you seeing a therapist? You may want to bring up your feelings to her/him. 

Post # 6
Member
99 posts
Worker bee
  • Wedding: September 2016

View original reply
sweetsilence:  Thanks (about the handle). 

But that’s what being in a relationship is about–being able to talk about your insecurities with your SO. That doesn’t mean like go to him and be like, “MARRY ME NOW”, but more along the lines of, “Hey, could we have an open discussion about the future? I’m feeling a little insecure because (insert reasons here). Please understand that I’m not trying to pressure you, but I’m feeling a little upset and would like to discuss it with you.” There is a definite difference between blaming/pressuring and communicating. You shouldn’t have to “manage through them” alone. You are a unit with your SO. 

Also, I’m glad your PTSD is pretty well-maintained. One of my college roommates had PTSD and had vivid nightmares as a result. It’s such an ugly illness, one that doesn’t receive enough attention. 

Post # 8
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

I don’t understand the “you’re the one” but “I’m not ready yet” discussion.

If you’re the one, then the only thing holding him back should be logistics in getting a ring ($$, time) and actually proposing.   (This is where I’m at.)

But if he has the ability to do these things, I don’t understand why he doesn’t do it.  Did you ask him this?  I wouldn’t be able to take an answer like “I’m not ready yet” if he said he was sure and had the means to propose with a ring.  

Nevermind the voices and worries about you not being good enough, or whatever.  It’s not you – it’s him. 

Post # 10
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

I use to feel that when when I was waiting… i knew he went through a divorce, and was nervous etc.  Even though I knew he loved me and wanted a future with me (we have a daughter and are planning on buying a home). I felt Like I wasn’t worth it. I couldn’t figure out how he could get engaged and married to someone he was having issues with (he thought getting married would solve their issues) while we have an amazing relationship. I felt less.. Not wife worthy. I cried. And I cried a lot. I pushed him away at times etc. I finally decided that eventually it would happen and I refused to bring it up.(for my sanity) Low and behold about 2 months later we are engaged and getting married next year!

Post # 12
Member
127 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: December 1969

Trust me. I know that feeling. Nothing helps but I can tell you I’m sure that’s not the case. It wasn’t for me either. I’ve expressed it before our engagement. But it sucks that our minds play games with Us!

Post # 13
Member
131 posts
Blushing bee

Sometimes I feel so alone in this situation and it’s nice to know that there are more people going through it.

My SO and I have had the open discussion, and I admitted that I was ready while he was not. I said very honestly that it makes me uncomfortable because of how vulnerable of a state I am in, while he isn’t at that state and may very well decide later on that this isn’t what he wants. Or maybe he will and I am wondering why it took him so long to get there because I moved quicker emotionally. But we have discussed that he does move slower emotionally than I do, and he assured me that it’s okay that we are at different places and he doesn’t feel pressured. He told me to not clam up or get quiet about my feelings because they make him feel good and more confident about our relationship, but it still hurts when he says things like, “If some time down the road we end up together,” and I just kind of have to shake it off. 

Post # 14
Member
46 posts
Newbee

Hey there, I think it’s fine that he said he’s not ready, but it’s also fine that you’re not ok with that. 

I think having a compromise is fine. If doesn’t know when he’ll be ready and you will wait a max of two years for him to be ready, I don’t think that’s selfish or unreasonable at all. 

Post # 15
Member
270 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: August 2016

View original reply
hotteatherapy: “it still hurts when he says things like, “If some time down the road we end up together,” and I just kind of have to shake it off.”

Next time he says something like that, I’d take the opportunity to ask why he says “if”. 

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