(Closed) How to Cope with Him Not Being Ready

posted 5 years ago in Waiting
Post # 16
131 posts
Blushing bee

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zippy85:  Oh, I’m WAAAYYYY ahead of you on that one! I have. I guess it looks bad just reading it. But it makes sense to me, because both of us are interested in graduate schools in different locations (same state, but that is a whole different can o’ worms) and we are waiting for decisions. It sounds like he is unsure, but I know for him what it really means is not that he doesn’t want to get engaged/married, but worried that we’ll be too separated to stay together (another can o’ worms, but I assure it would be okay). It’s like an admission of fear of the future which we work on together. I guess what I mean is sometimes it leads to some uncomfortable or revealing conversations, but it’s a small reminder that we are still in different emotional states. 

Post # 17
1228 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: March 2014

You feel insecure because he put you in an insecure position.  It’s not wholely irrational.    

In a perfect world, we’d all have bullet-proof self-esteems and nothing would ever hurt us.  But we’re real women and we’re allowed to have negative feelings and it’s perfectly valid to try and overcome your insecurities and it’s perfectly valid to own how you feel and not try to change it.  

Post # 18
811 posts
Busy bee

I’m going through the same thing. We’ve been together 3 years and I am 23, so maybe a little younger than you still. I don’t care to get married right now, but if I were asked I wouldnt’ say no.. which it seems like you’re similar. I started to talks on our 3rd anniversary since I just needed to know how to plan my life! I am so plan-plan-plan organize-organize-organize that I needed to know if I should start saving for a house or enjoy the “bachelorette life” a little longer. What I ended up doing was sit him down and we both wrote out our goals list. So for example, I had the milestone of “marriage” and underneath I wrote down the things I’d want to accomplish first, or what I envision myself being like when I’m ready and he did the same. It’s been a comfort.

Post # 19
13 posts

I can relate to this SO much and it really stinks feeling so insecure about him not being ready. What I have such a hard time with myself is the fact that we are getting older and I just want this to work out so bad that I”m being really impaitient and I’m afraid I’m going to drive him away. I wish I could be cool and just not bring it up and just let it go. He even told me he was feeling a lot of pressure and that he wanted to come to the decision on his own, but I can’t seem to drop the subject and it is stressing us both out.

Does anyone have any ideas for dealing with this? I broke down this evening over it and now we both feel rotten, me because I just want to feel like he wants me and wants to marry me, and him because he is just not ready yet, but he loves me dearly and doesn’t want to loose me. What do you do to get through this awful limbo??

Post # 20
175 posts
Blushing bee

I’m in the exact same position. SO and I have been together three years and are both in our late 20s. I’m beginning to feel the clock ticking and have no idea what’s taking him so long. We both have great jobs, have a house (rent- I’ve told him I’m not buying until we are engaged), have a dog, and are so happy. He has made it clear he wants to spend his life with me. However, he can’t give me a reason why he’s not ready to take the next step. In my mind, I see that as him not being 100%. He swears up and down that isn’t the case. But I still can’t helo but feel insecure- what more could I do to make him sure? If I cleaned more, or looked better, or earned more… Would he want me then? It’s really killing me. 

Post # 23
142 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: June 2015

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sweetsilence:  That is good news! It sounds like it was a pretty good conversation then. You guys mostly seem to be on the same page and it was good that you could really share your feelings with him instead of feeling like things were getting bottled up. Sounds like he just needed/needs a bit more time to really feel like he is ready to go ahead with the engagement & marriage. Knowing that you guys are both moving towards that must feel good, and makes ‘waiting’ a bit easier!

Post # 24
108 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: July 2016

My situation wasn’t exactly like yours, but about a year before my now fiance proposed he told me he didn’t know of he wanted to get married at all. After four years together that was one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to hear, especially since I already knew he was the one. For me, it was just a matter of constantly reminding myself that I was happier with him than I would be without him. Our relationship was great, I didn’t want to break up, and I knew that he was worth my time and even if we broke up later i would value the time we spent together. Being told that someone doesn’t want to marry you even though you’re ready is hard, but just remember to value what you have now and enjoy all the things you won’t have once you get married (for me that’s things like my own bathroom, but for you it might be that fantasy wedding pinterest board or something). And whatever you do dont read “he’s just not that into you!!!” Remember, you are absolutely worthy of being his wife and when he finally pops the question you’ll be so deliriously happy that right now won’t even matter. Enjoy what you have right now; this is last boyfriend you’ll ever have!!! 🙂

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