(Closed) How to cope with losing a parent?

posted 7 years ago in Family
Post # 3
Member
994 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

Oh God, he was very young. I am very sorry. I imagine you are in shock, and it’s going to take some time to process it…. give yourself time and remember, what you are feeling is normal and not selfish. ((((HUGS)))

Post # 4
Member
1638 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: September 2011

@AnneTossy:

I lost my father in 2004 to lung cancer he contracted from his job. I will be honest with you: you learn to live with the pain. You will have days where you will cry your eyes out. Go ahead and do it. It heals. There will be days you will be angry at him for dying. This is natural. There will be days where you will laugh at memories. Thank the Lord for those. There will be days you think about him in quietness. That is good as well.

One thing I learned is time does not stop. You still have bills to pay, school to fnish, a job to do, people who depend on you. You have to keep going on in life. It will be hard but time does heal a little bit.

I just kept my mind focused on my tasks in life but kept my dad in my heart. I have his pictures and we still have his clothing in the house. The fuenarl will be hard. I had great friends who attended for support. When I needed to cry I did.

My wedding is 4 months away and everyone was asking who was going to escort me. I chose my mother because NO ONE can replace my daddy.

Post # 5
Member
6998 posts
Busy Beekeeper
  • Wedding: February 2011

There are no words to heal your pain but know my thoughts and prayers are with you and your family. I attended my uncle’s funeral last weekend, he was 53 years old and left behind my 2 cousins 20 and 12. It broke my heart to watch them speak of him but it was also very beautiful. – his life needs to be celebrated and remembered – hang in there and surround yourself with people who loved him as much as you did. cry and laugh and cry some more – only time will ease the hurt. Hang in there.

Post # 6
Member
2538 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: July 2010

There’s nothing to say to ease your pain. However, I’m deeply sorry that this happened to you.

Post # 7
Member
10851 posts
Sugar Beekeeper
  • Wedding: September 2010

((hugs)) I’m so sorry honey.

Post # 8
Member
114 posts
Blushing bee
  • Wedding: May 2011

@AnneTossy:  I’m so sorry you lost your daddy.  Especially right before this special time in your life.  I lost my daddy last Sept–two weeks after I got engaged.  And no lie, October and November were VERY dark times for me.  And people were always asking me about the wedding plans and if I was excited and I was like, well, right now I hurt too much to even deal with wedding plans. 

Of course, the pain is immense!!!!!  But like another poster said, if you feel like crying, cry!  It helps to get it out, even though there were times when I thought I would never *stop* crying.  Share with other family members how you are feeling, if you are emotionally close to them.  They won’t understand the pain of losing a daddy right before your big day, but they understand–to some extent–your loss, and the special person your dad was with all his unique characteristics. 

Also, grief affects you in ways that seem totally unrelated.  For example, after my mother died, I remember crying and being depressed and exhausted for about a month, and then life picked up again–but she’d had cancer for 6 years and we finally had closure on the cancer part–there was nothing left to be afraid of.  She was gone.  In some ways it was a relief. When my dad died, I thought I was truly going to lose my mind.  I wanted to litterally pull my hair out from grief.  I remember pacing back and forth in tears, wishing desperately there was some way i could stop existing, thereby stopping the pain, but it was not a suicidal wish–I just wanted a break from the hurt.  I would also just get explosively angry at things I don’t usually get angry at.  It made me feel better to break things.  And that was ok, because I *was* angry!  Angry my parents were both gone, that neither would be there for my wedding.  I still am…intensely sad that they won’t be there. And I feel like nobody will miss them but me.  I mean, my FI’s family never got the chance to meet them, and the feeling I get when I’m around them and try to share about my parents is that FI’s family didn’t know them, therefore they never existed.  That really makes me angry too. 

But anyway, back to the point:  the feelings you feel about your dad are valid, and you will feel loss.  Find *several* good/wise friends you can talk to who will allow you to share your grief.  I have one GREAT girlfriend who knew my parents who I could call up and just cry to.  She was so supportive.  Other people, though, didn’t know what to say and actually wanted to distance themselves–i.e. my Fiance.  His initial reaction when I started to get emotional was to distance himself because he knew he would have to face that with his own parents eventually and didn’t want to go through my pain too.  Selfish, sure…but he’s a guy. And eventually, he got a lot better at listening and being there for me. 

The best thing I did was join a greif support group.  They helped me understand what was going on, and it was a safe place I could talk and share my feelings and no one tried to make me feel like my feelings of loss were unimportant. 

Hope that helped some, through all the rambling.  I’m so sorry…so very, very sorry.  Sending hugs…

Post # 9
Member
1398 posts
Bumble bee
  • Wedding: May 2012

I am very sorry for your loss. I lost my dad when I was 23, and my mom passed away when I was 25. Losing a parent is not easy, and grief isn’t something to push aside. I didn’t deal with mine for a long time and it ended up causing me to go into real depression, that took years to deal with. Don’t be like me. Deal with it now. One thing I highly, highly recommend is to get into a grief support group. I’m sure that you have a supportive fiance, and family-but it REALLY helps to be able to vent with people who aren’t related to you, who basically have no emotional connection to you but are supportive of your feelings. People you don’t have to be brave in front of. And it helps you to help them with their grief as well. When you hurt, it helps you to help someone else who is hurting, believe me. The one I went to eventually was sponsored by the American Cancer Society (both my parents died of cancer) but there are groups through churchs, through mental health facilities, and other various organizations that deal with grief counseling and group grief support. Here is a link that may be helpful.

http://www.griefshare.org/findagroup

I wish you well.

Post # 10
Member
7694 posts
Bumble Beekeeper

I am so sorry for your loss.  It is difficult, but eventually the days will get easier.  I am praying for you. 

Post # 11
Member
371 posts
Helper bee
  • Wedding: June 2011

@AnneTossy: I’m so sorry for your loss. My dad passed away just before Thanksgiving last year after being ill for over a month. It’s been a really tough road and I find myself standing in random places in tears because something reminded me of him. Some mornings or nights I find myself getting ready to call him, and then become overwhelmed with sadness…

Realize that some days you will be up and others you’ll be down. When my dad passed, I asked my Darling Husband how he was able to cope with losing his dad (DH was in high school when he passed) and he said that he didn’t for a long time. I feel lucky to have him to confide in when I’m feeling down; find someone who will just listen so you can talk whether about the hurt or to remember the good memories. 

 

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