Post # 1
I been together with my BF for almost 3 years. I am sure he is the one for me.
We are from different cultures. I am from an Asian background, and the average wait time is usually around a year. In my ideal world, I would be engaged by now. I talked to him about 7 months back, and told him I wanted to be engaged by our 3rd anniversary, and married by the 4th. He seemed excited at the moment, and said yes to the idea. For personal reasons, I didn’t want a ring or a proposal. I simply wanted to talk about it, and be engaged, but he insisted on a ring. I was more than ready for the engagement, so I was expecting the proposal to come soon after the talk. It was unreasonable of me, but I cried and nagged him for a few weeks, 2 months after the talk. He sat me down, and let me know all the nagging wasn’t helping the cause. I held my tongue for 4 months after that even though it killed me on the inside. At time point he had made no proposal plans. He showed very little interest when I bought up any wedding ideas. I bought it up the engagement again without nagging. He admitted he would like to wait maybe a year or two from now to get engaged.
Hearing this broke my heart. He said he wants to marry me, but isn’t in a rush to get engaged. We are in our early 20s, and he wants to hold off till he is 25 to be married. There was also a lot things happening in our lives this year like career changes. He wants to wait till we are settled in our jobs. He said he is willing to compromise, and propose to me by the end of the year, and we can get married 2 years after the engagement. I let him know I want him to propose to me because he wants to, not because he had to. We decided to hold off on the engagement because it didn’t feel right. I love him so much, but I can’t stop crying at idea of waiting another year an engagement. I feel like an idiot for getting my hopes up.
I see him 5-6 times a week since he lives close to my work. We plan to officially move in together in a new place next week, but I don’t want to anymore. When I told him, I don’t want to move in with him, he got upset. We work opposite schedules, and he is afraid we wouldn’t see each other much. He said he is willing to go the court house and get married, if that’s what it takes to have me move in. He tried to bring up other solution like getting a dog to add another layer of commitment to our relationship, or going to counseling. But everything feels so forced, and nothing feels right. I think waiting is the best option for us right now, but I don’t know how to deal with the sadness of having to wait. Any advice on how to cope?
Post # 2
Just because it’s a cultural norm to be engaged after a year of dating doesn’t make it the only way. Your boyfriend sounds like he has a very level head on his shoulder. You’re in your early twenties, so what’s the rush other than feeling like it’s expected of you? Relationships are about compromise. You say you want him to propose because he wants to, but you aren’t giving him that chance by constantly hounding him. He even brought up the perfectly acceptable compromise of proposing by the end of the year and having a long engagement, but it doesn’t seem like you’re pleased with that either. There are two of you in this relationship. Getting engaged and moving in together is a perfectly acceptable and logical next step in a relationship.
Post # 3
I don’t think you should rush his timeline because it is hard to make a marriage work when 1 or both people aren’t truly ready. At the same time, you should not move in with him if you’re looking to be engaged before you take that step.
When 2 people’s timelines are off both ppl have to compromise. You should compromise to give him time to mature and be ready for marriage (since you say you are sure that he’s the one) and he should understand that you don’t want to move in until there’s a more serious commitment. Now if he was like 10 years older my advice would be different but most men aren’t ready for marriage in their early 20s.
Post # 4
Definitely do not move in with him or get a dog with him. You’re absolutely right to not want to do that, and smart, too.
I think the way to cope is to take a step back mentally, and to deal with him differently. You said you’re sure he’s the one for you. Well, now you have new information about him and what he wants. Go back into is-he-right-for-me mode; go back into getting-to-know-you mode. Pay more attention to what he wants and what you want, and see if they line up. You need to take this new information into account and decide whether he’s the one for you, because maybe this does change things; maybe he isn’t the one for you.
You also need to decide what your limit is. Yes, there is compromise, but it’s not unusual for a couple to “come to a compromise” where one person gets their way and the other just goes along with it because they don’t want the relationship to end. How long are you willing to wait for him to want to propose and get married? Is a two year engagement acceptable to you? Is moving in without being engaged and a wedding date set acceptable to you? Is any part of his timeline acceptable to you? If not, you need to say that to him and act on it. “Acting on it” may mean breaking up, because you’re simply not willing to wait three or four more years for engagement and marriage to happen when you already know what you want. “Acting on it” may mean making it clear you won’t move in with him unless you’re engaged and a wedding date is set, and if he doesn’t accept that, the relationship is over.
A compromise in this situation would be him getting more time before he proposes, and you getting proposed to and the wedding date being set before you move in with him.
Basically, don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with; don’t do what he wants just to keep him; make clear what your timeframe is; and make sure ending the relationship is an option in your mind, because if you don’t, you could turn yourself into a doormat.
Post # 5
Yes dont move in. You are sure he is the right one but Im sorry bee he isn’t sure that’s why he wants delay and and told you 7 months ago you need a ring. It’s more delay.I agree with Rhopalocera :
. Compromise is giving him more time but not moving in until he is sooo sure your the one he proposes.
Post # 6
This post helped me realize I need to get over my crybaby phase, and think more reasonably about our future. Thank you for the advice.
Post # 7
You are in your early 20s. Just enjoy being young and dating. There is lots of time to be married.