How to cope with waiting?

posted 2 years ago in Waiting
Post # 2
Member
3727 posts
Sugar bee
  • Wedding: November 2014

Just because it’s a cultural norm to be engaged after a year of dating doesn’t make it the only way. Your boyfriend sounds like he has a very level head on his shoulder. You’re in your early twenties, so what’s the rush other than feeling like it’s expected of you? Relationships are about compromise. You say you want him to propose because he wants to, but you aren’t giving him that chance by constantly hounding him. He even brought up the perfectly acceptable compromise of proposing by the end of the year and having a long engagement, but it doesn’t seem like you’re pleased with that either. There are two of you in this relationship. Getting engaged and moving in together is a perfectly acceptable and logical next step in a relationship. 

Post # 3
Member
533 posts
Busy bee
  • Wedding: August 2017

I don’t think you should rush his timeline because it is hard to make a marriage work when 1 or both people aren’t truly ready. At the same time, you should not move in with him if you’re looking to be engaged before you take that step. 

When 2 people’s timelines are off both ppl have to compromise. You should compromise to give him time to mature and be ready for marriage (since you say you are sure that he’s the one) and he should understand that you don’t want to move in until there’s a more serious commitment. Now if he was like 10 years older my advice would be different but most men aren’t ready for marriage in their early 20s. 

Post # 4
Member
2253 posts
Buzzing bee

Definitely do not move in with him or get a dog with him. You’re absolutely right to not want to do that, and smart, too.

I think the way to cope is to take a step back mentally, and to deal with him differently. You said you’re sure he’s the one for you. Well, now you have new information about him and what he wants. Go back into is-he-right-for-me mode; go back into getting-to-know-you mode. Pay more attention to what he wants and what you want, and see if they line up. You need to take this new information into account and decide whether he’s the one for you, because maybe this does change things; maybe he isn’t the one for you. 

You also need to decide what your limit is. Yes, there is compromise, but it’s not unusual for a couple to “come to a compromise” where one person gets their way and the other just goes along with it because they don’t want the relationship to end. How long are you willing to wait for him to want to propose and get married? Is a two year engagement acceptable to you? Is moving in without being engaged and a wedding date set acceptable to you? Is any part of his timeline acceptable to you? If not, you need to say that to him and act on it. “Acting on it” may mean breaking up, because you’re simply not willing to wait three or four more years for engagement and marriage to happen when you already know what you want. “Acting on it” may mean making it clear you won’t move in with him unless you’re engaged and a wedding date is set, and if he doesn’t accept that, the relationship is over. 

A compromise in this situation would be him getting more time before he proposes, and you getting proposed to and the wedding date being set before you move in with him. 

Basically, don’t do anything you’re uncomfortable with; don’t do what he wants just to keep him; make clear what your timeframe is; and make sure ending the relationship is an option in your mind, because if you don’t, you could turn yourself into a doormat.

Post # 5
Member
2005 posts
Buzzing bee
  • Wedding: October 2017

applesoranges :  Yes dont move in. You are sure he is the right one but Im sorry bee he isn’t sure that’s why he wants delay and and told you 7 months ago you need a ring. It’s more delay.I agree with Rhopalocera :.  Compromise is giving him more time but not moving in until he is sooo sure your the one he proposes. 

Post # 7
Member
76 posts
Worker bee

You are in your early 20s. Just enjoy being young and dating. There is lots of time to be married. 

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